Sunday, June 26, 2011

Fml.

I'm so sick of everyone.  I have yet to understand why people just can't leave me alone.  To stop being so judgmental.  To let me figure out what I want and need in life again.  I just want to be happy.. I swear.  For some reason that's become such a difficult task.  One stupid word is so controlling of my life. 

My heart hurts.  I feel like my old life was so much easier.  I had it all figured out then and I didn't worry about people.  Now I feel like I have a whole lot of nothing.  All it is is one big fucking struggle.  Constantly.  I just can't win anymore.  Everyone thinks they know what is best for me and they don't.  I know I'm not the same person anymore and I get that.  But damn it, I don't know what anyone wants from me.

I try to start living my life again and people have so much to say about it.  Last time I checked it's better than following the bed-class-work-bed schedule every single day.  At least I thought so.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm so completely broken most of the time and I look for the smallest things to try and fix it just a little bit. 

I really just want to go away.  Somewhere that no one knows me or my story.  I'm so done with hurting.  People up my ass all the time.  Just done with it all.  Maybe I just need to clean my slate off again.  I should be excited about starting a new job tomorrow.  Instead I'm cuddled in my bed listening to depressing music and with everything that ever meant something having a mental breakdown.  Real awesome right?  I thought so, too. Ha.

Really sometimes this life feels like a joke.  Where I just sit there and think, "Really?  Why is this happening to me?"  I will never know why God ever decided to put me through something so awful and totally unfair.  So done.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Chrissy. I wish there was something I could do. May you be embraced by love and peace. May something good come of this.

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  2. In the end, the only thing that matters is what you want Chrissy. Nobody elses. It's not their life. It's yours. You do what YOU have to do to get through it. If that means move to the middle of a cornfield, or a different place like you said, where nobody knows you, then do it. A clean slate might be good for you. Fresh start. New people, new surroundings, new things to explore. Like I said though. You do what YOU have to do. Dont let anyone else decifer in your actions.

    On a little side note, I have the utmost respect for you, and what you've been through. I believe there are far less people judging you than what it seems. Besides. Thats the people who are surrounding you. Dont forget, there's still a whole world full of people. :) Sending hugs your way.

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  3. Only you will know what helps ease the pain you've experienced. Everybody's journey is different, so the people who throw in their two-sense should keep their opinions to themselves. Find your own path, and allow yourself to get to the point in your life that you feel "okay" again...You deserve that. One minute at a time...sometimes the days just seem too hard. xoxo

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  4. I don't know you Chrissy but I've been following your blog for sometime now. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Live your life the way you see fit knowing you DO NOT answer to anyone nor do you have to explain yoursef!
    Remember that this is YOUR life and only you know what you want and what will make you happy...even if just for a minute.
    Lisa Marie

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