Hi..

My name is Chrissy and I am a crazy person.

Story of my life.  Ever since this nonsense happened I can't keep my head on straight.. ever.  Sometimes I think about stuff and it's like, "Good God, Chrissy, get your shit together already."  It's bad.  I'm in North Carolina on vacation and it's refreshing, but a lot of time to think.  Not to mention I have this burning desire to drive down to J-Vegas.  I've thought several times about getting in my car and making the drive down there.  I don't know what it is with that place anymore.  I think it's because that was the last place we were together and I keep feeling like I left him there.

You know what else bugs me?  Hearing songs that have something tied to them.  Like "I'm Yours" has been on lately.. It was pretty much are song.  Or "You're Like Coming Home" reminds me of the homecoming video from Iraq.  They're like stalkers.  I just sit there quietly and listen.  Thinking of how things used to be.  The last time I was here you came to see me.  I drove by the house last night and it made me sad.  I hate going to places when the last time I was there was with you.  It's hard.

The other night they had Blue Moon and they were putting oranges in it.  I remember the last time you were here the last time you were here the Stanley Cup was on.  Game 7 and the Penguins won.  You brought that beer with you.  I had to go get oranges at the grocery store across the street and I played frogger across the highway.  I was kinda excited thinking it would be good.  Nope.  Awful.  I'll never forget the time after you came home from Iraq and we went to Texas Roadhouse in J-Vegas.  You went to shake your orange and when you let it go it sprayed right in my face.  Thanks for that, babe.

I went to a wedding on Saturday in Northern Cambria.  The only reason I ever went to that town was to see you.  I absolutely positively hate hate hate hate hate being there.  It's awful.  In the middle of the ceremony my eyes filled with tears several times.  Jealous of them.  Angry with what happened.  Still wondering why.  I haven't set foot into a Church since September 2nd and it bothered me to even be in there.  I know God has a plan, but I'm still mad at Him.  Thank God one of my friends sitting near me knew and kept making faces so I would laugh.  It was rough.  That's the last thing I wanted to be doing in the middle of someones wedding. 

I hate that July 15th is creeping up on me slowly, but surely.    A whole entire year since I've touched you feels like forever.  I can't even believe it's been that long.  Last time this year you were at CAX.  You missed my birthday and the birth of your niece.  I remember whining because the cell phone service was way worse than the last time.  I wish I wouldn't have complained so much.  Appreciated my time with you a little more.

I'm getting super agitated with my life right now and not having it back together just makes me feel crazy.  I keep thinking about hitting the one year mark.  Do I run away?  Do I stay home?  I haven't decided yet.  Since it's labor day weekend I've been thinking about inviting all of your friends up for the weekend.  Just to be around the people that were closest to you.  I haven't decided yet, but I will soon.  For the longest time I never understood why my grandparents went away every year on the anniversary of their son's death (he was killed in Texas at age 22), but I get it now.  It's easier to run from it than it is to face it.

I'll ponder more on that one later..