Need You Now

Good grief. I don't know if it's where I'm at in this lovely journey or what but it's been super rough. I feel like I'm back in the first month. Crying everyday. The littlest things just set me off. It's terrible. Although, I've become rather good at being a hot mess.

These breakdowns have been one for the books. I think I'm just frustrated right now. It's going to the lows where you just don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes it feels like giving up on this is the easy thing to do.  How bad does that sound?  I remember thinking when everyone was talking about the world ending that I wouldn't care if it did.

I hate that I can't think about happy things in the future.  People think I'm crazy because sometimes I act like a Negative Nelly.  But when something so traumatic takes place in your life and someone so close is taken away you lose hope in this world.  I learned that life isn't like the movies.  Life is hard.  Going through this is hard.

I travel a lot these days to get away from it.  Away from this place.  Attempting to run away from my life for a little bit so I don't have to face it anymore.  I leave this state about every two months.  I need to clear my head and get a little me time.  I leave for Outer Banks on Sunday and I'm so ready to go.  I love going to the beach.  It's refreshing for me.  I could sit on a beach for hours just to think.

Reality is.. as much as I want to run away from it, I can only do it for so long before I have to face it.  I just wish that I could change it.  To do things over again in the past.  When I look at my life these past nine months it is crazy how much has happened.  It's nine months like I've never had before.  So much has changed.  A lot of it I don't even remember.  It's life on auto-pilot.  It seems to go by fast, but when I look back September 2nd feels like an eternity.

I saw Aaron and the girls yesterday and it just broke my heart.  Looking at these two little girls who are growing up without their Uncle.  One still calls me Aunt Chrissy.  After they left I stood there with tears in my eyes.  You loved them so much and they grew to be a part of my life too.  I remember when both of them were born, one almost a year old and the other four.  It just breaks my heart.  I know I distanced myself from your family in a way.  Just as it always was, it's hard to go there without you. 

I'm still not "used" to this.  I don't know that I ever will be.  That I will ever be okay with what happened.  I guess I still just have to learn to live with it and what was given to me in life.  The times that I struggle are the times I want you the most.  That just makes me even more angry when I think about it.  Where is the darn easy button?