Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Well.

It's been quite a week, Joshua.  I've been crying..


every.

single.

day.


Yup.  That's a whole bunch of fun.  I don't know what has gotten into me but it's been bad.  I don't like it.  I just miss you so much.  I don't really like where my life is right now and I don't like what I have coming my way.   It gets really hard and staying in bed seems like the better option. 

It just sucks that the one person who was always there for me no matter what got taken away from me.  It's not fair.  My egg donor made a scene at my brothers graduation tonight and it just set me off.  I remember all the times I ran to you and you fixed every little problem.  Now you can't fix it.  It makes me sick that after everything she has done she can post a sob story on her wall and people ACTUALLY feel bad for her.   You wanna know the truth?  She was cheating on my Dad.  Walked out on us when I was 11 and Michael was 9.  On Christmas day.  Tried taking everyone close to us away with her crazy games.  And tonight.  She had the nerve to call me a f***in b*tch and tell me I'm an alcoholic because I went to Las Vegas.  Oh, but she left those details out in her sob story.  She didn't tell anyone she beat the crap out of us.  Nope.  Left all of those minor details out.

She forgets I'm living with her parents.  Working two jobs.  Going to school full time.  Coaching a majorette squad.  No big deal evidently.

It's so frustrating when I know that you would never ever let anyone talk to me or treat me like that.  Ever.  You always stood up for me no matter what.  Whatever though she isn't even worth talking about.  I just feel for my brother that she had to make a scene on a day like that. 

While I was up at the Manor tonight I was thinking about all of the time we spent there.  Walking through the halls.. sitting in the lunchroom (you hitting me with a bottle cap).  Just everything that happened there.  Or your graduation when you of course acted like a goofball after you got your diploma.  I'm sure everyone expected you to do something of that nature though.  You always did.  Besides it wouldn't be you if you didn't have people laughing. 

I miss that smile.  I miss everything about you and if I could just have it back I would give anything.  This isn't any fun without you.  I still can't picture my life and what is in store for me.  I wish I knew.  I feel like I can't move forward because I'm not ready to let go of the past.  I don't want to let go.  At the same time I know that I can't hold on to something that isn't real anymore.  This is all just really unfair and I'm over it.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for what your "Egg Donor" Put you through. It's funny you call her that, because we call my dad "sperm donor". I know it's easier said than done, and I don't understand what you're going through....

    Though he's not there in person, it seems just talking to him in this blog brings you some comfort. He's watching over you, and continues to guide you. You're doing a wonderful job, and with the cards you've been dealt, I'd say you're the complete opposite of what your "Egg Donor" claims you to be. You're allowed to have weeks like this. It seems only natural that you'd want your best friend to be there with you...so let yourself be sad, cry, be angry, and reflect on moments that make you smile. How blessed you are, to have been able to feel such true and rare love. One minute at a time....screw when people say "one day at a time". Sometimes even THAT feels like forever.

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  2. I totally agree with Alyssa. Just remember, friends are the family you get to choose. Surround yourself with a good group who will support you no matter what, and encourage you in your accomplishments! You are obviously doing a lot in your life, so don't let he bring you down!!! You know Josh was proud of you for all you were able to do, and that's all that matters!!!!!! Chin up, girl. You're awesome.

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