It's been quite a week, Joshua. I've been crying..
Yup. That's a whole bunch of fun. I don't know what has gotten into me but it's been bad. I don't like it. I just miss you so much. I don't really like where my life is right now and I don't like what I have coming my way. It gets really hard and staying in bed seems like the better option.
It just sucks that the one person who was always there for me no matter what got taken away from me. It's not fair. My egg donor made a scene at my brothers graduation tonight and it just set me off. I remember all the times I ran to you and you fixed every little problem. Now you can't fix it. It makes me sick that after everything she has done she can post a sob story on her wall and people ACTUALLY feel bad for her. You wanna know the truth? She was cheating on my Dad. Walked out on us when I was 11 and Michael was 9. On Christmas day. Tried taking everyone close to us away with her crazy games. And tonight. She had the nerve to call me a f***in b*tch and tell me I'm an alcoholic because I went to Las Vegas. Oh, but she left those details out in her sob story. She didn't tell anyone she beat the crap out of us. Nope. Left all of those minor details out.
She forgets I'm living with her parents. Working two jobs. Going to school full time. Coaching a majorette squad. No big deal evidently.
It's so frustrating when I know that you would never ever let anyone talk to me or treat me like that. Ever. You always stood up for me no matter what. Whatever though she isn't even worth talking about. I just feel for my brother that she had to make a scene on a day like that.
While I was up at the Manor tonight I was thinking about all of the time we spent there. Walking through the halls.. sitting in the lunchroom (you hitting me with a bottle cap). Just everything that happened there. Or your graduation when you of course acted like a goofball after you got your diploma. I'm sure everyone expected you to do something of that nature though. You always did. Besides it wouldn't be you if you didn't have people laughing.
I miss that smile. I miss everything about you and if I could just have it back I would give anything. This isn't any fun without you. I still can't picture my life and what is in store for me. I wish I knew. I feel like I can't move forward because I'm not ready to let go of the past. I don't want to let go. At the same time I know that I can't hold on to something that isn't real anymore. This is all just really unfair and I'm over it.