So I have been thinking a lot lately about things. I went on AWP this morning and started reading some more stories about others experiences after a loss. Each one is different, but I went there for a reason. It dawned on me that in about 2.5 months I'll hit one year. One whole year. That seems like such a long time.
After the first year you've made it through all the "firsts." Passing the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days. The bumpy road where you are struggling just to survive. Right now that is still the hardest part. Surviving each day and learning how to live again.
Sometimes when I feel like I'm living my life again I stop and think about it. Thinking about if it's okay to take steps forward. What would he want me to do? I obviously had a very bad night on Tuesday as most of you probably read here. I went out to the boat docks at Yellow Creek with someone close to me. It's quiet there (minus the frogs and fish jumping out of the water). Just water and trees. I'll sit there looking up at the moon and the stars wondering if he's watching me. Thinking about my life right now. Where to go.. what to do. Thinking of things from the past.
Of course I ended up bursting into tears. It's so frustrating sometimes when you think about it all. Sure, I had someone with me. But I can never find all the words that I need to say what I'm thinking or how I feel. Pretty sure they think I'm crazy sometimes because what I'm saying makes no sense. Sometimes I just need to cry about it and have someone listen without saying anything. Not gonna lie.. a lot of times I don't like the responses I get because I feel like most people don't understand. It's not their fault. I'm just bitchy sometimes. Josh would tell you that.
It always happens out of nowhere too. Often people assume they said the wrong thing to me that made me cry, but that's not it at all. It just happens. The people who are closest to me know when it's coming. My face blanks out and I just stare at something.
You never realize how much of a struggle it can be just to get by. I don't want to keep moving forward because I feel like as the days pass I'm getting further away from him. On the other hand, I want time to pick up the pace so that my life will hopefully piece itself back together.
When is it okay to be with someone else? When is it okay to be "better?" When is it okay to finally feel a little bit of peace?
I don't know. Right now I'm still not okay with any of it. I'm still hurting and I know that. At the same time I know I can't do this to myself forever. Eventually I'm going to have to move forward whether I want to or not. If I am the 1 in a million people that gets struck by lightning you'll know exactly what I did.
When things happen in my life I often wonder if he has something to do with it. I always wonder what he thinks about it or if he would be mad at me. Approaching the second year I wonder what it's going to bring. Is it easier? Maybe. Part of me thinks it could be harder. I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'll survive it. That's what I do know. Even though there are days when it feels virtually impossible to get through one more day I know I will.
Right now I'm content with my life. I'm still hurting and I'm still having breakdowns. I'm still angry and I still ask why. But I have to keep pushing. I have what I need at the moment to get me through. If I fall down there is someone to pick me right back up and do whatever I need to make it better.