Sunday, December 12, 2010

Gettin kicked while you're already down

I am so sick of this.  No matter what- things keep getting worse.  I am tired of being miserable all the time.  I am tired of everyday being such a struggle.  I just want my life back; to be "normal" again.  It feels like everyone else in this world is happy but me.

For the first time in my life I don't give a crap about Christmas.  You know me, the OCD planner, I plan my Christmas shopping, bake up to my eyeballs, decorate my pink tree, and wrap just about everyone's gifts.  This year I don't care to do anything.  I started Christmas shopping and I just didn't want to.  I went into AE to find stuff for my brother and as I stood there I got tears in my eyes.  I've spent the last five years doing that for you.  If I would have known last year was our last Christmas I would have done things differently. 

I just want to be happy.  Just for a day.  I think I forgot what that feels like.  My heart is broken in so many places.  It can't be fixed.  It will never be totally be fixed.  I don't understand why I have to live like this.  How is it fair that I have to live in this hell every single day?  I'm tired of everyone telling me how long it's going to take for this to get better.  They have no idea how hard it is to just get through a day.  I shouldn't have to do this everyday.  I'm not sure why God thought that I could handle anymore in my life because  I just can't. 

The word I hate more than anything- time.

Living my own personal nightmare on a daily basis.  It's just freakin awesome.  I want out.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I'm going to waste how much more of my life because it's going to take "time."  I shouldn't have to do this.  I shouldn't have to wait for my life to get better. 

Over it. 

4 comments:

  1. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  2. You don't know me, (I just stumbled upon your blog from someone else's) but my heart bleeds for you whenever I read a new post. Although you may not think it or see it, you are strong beyond belief. Keeping you and all our troops in my prayers.

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  3. Listen Chrissy. Listen carefully. This is a wound, and wounds heal. I am not saying you won't have a scar for a lifetime, but you will heal. You are a survivor. I have lost close friends and loved ones. The first year is Hell, but you take each day and heal just a little more. It never goes away completely, but it can make you stronger. I will pray for you to have strength to face this, but it is really a path you will have to travel by yourself. No one can do it for you. Let people help you. Do it for him. What would he say to you right now?

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  4. Let me know if you ever need to talk. I lost my husband in April. Every day gets better. I promise.

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