Thursday, December 16, 2010

The strength in me..

.. is you.

That's what I've come to realize lately.  That's how you live on in me, by getting me through each day.  I know that I wouldn't have been able to do the things I've done without you and that's how I know you're still here. 

I think you would be pretty proud of me right now.  For the first time in 3.5 months, I had a pretty good day yesterday.  Maybe a little happy?  I feel like I've lost the meaning of that word, but it was still a good day.  So far I have gotten A's in 3/6 classes.  I just might pull off a 4.0 for the semester.  How bout that?  I was doomed from the first week of class and still managed to do okay.

Homecoming is getting close.  A whole lot of bittersweet.  I am excited to see your friends and be close to them.  At the same time, its the harsh realization that you aren't stepping off of those buses with them.  I need to go.  I need to go and spend time with the people that you were the closest with.  It helps me to be with them and maybe it'll be like that for them too.  For a while I struggled with it because I didn't think I could do it.  The more I think about it, the more I realize you would want me to go.  You'll be there too giving me the strength to get through it.

The care package drive, this semester, homecoming, all of it.  I couldn't have/can't do any of it without you.  I find the comfort in that because you've been pushing me all along and I didn't even realize it.  As time goes on I realize that you continue to give me things in life even though you aren't physically here.  Your love and strength is going to get me through this life.  I'm not totally alone.  You left me with a lot of people watching out for me and to help me along when I need it.  I'm so thankful for that.

I love your friends.  Every single one of them.  I regret not getting to know them better before, but now I am getting the chance to and I realize more and more each day how great they are.  They know you and how much you love me.  Because of that, they will do anything for me.  If it wasn't for some of them I wouldn't have gotten this far.   It's all because of you.  Being closer to them makes me feel closer to you.  They remind me of you and it's a comfort to have that.  It really is a family and I wish more people knew how amazing it is.

It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to make it and you're going to be proud.

3 comments:

  1. new follower and your letters are beautiful... completely praying for you... <3

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  2. hello.

    i was surfing on terminallance.com forums when i found a link to your page here. i was truly shocked. i was in your boyfriends bootcamp platoon. we actually flew to parris island together.

    i'm truly sorry for your loss.

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  3. Chrissy , You dont know me , but I was at Josh's viewing. I am sure it was a blur to you in someways, surreal, and at the same time unbearably real. I was a coworker of Terri's when she worked at the nursing home in Hillsdale.
    I am writing this to you to offer you some comfort and hope. I have prayed for Joshs parents daily and I want you to know that in the same daily fashion my thoghts turn to you. I wonder how you are doing, I wonder how you are getting along. I understand your pain at losing someone you loved and cared about in the way you loved Josh, in such tragic untimely fashion.

    Reading your letters have brought me back to that time in my life 17 years ago when I walked in those shoes. I have meant to post before. I just didn't know when the right time would be . When I read the post from this day, I decided it was now. Why? It was something that you wrote that resonated in me. I could relate to it and I remember it so well. It was the moment I had, while swimming in the ocean of grief and despair when it occurred to me that I was going to "make it." I remember that moment so well because that was the day I first laughed. I remember it so well because it shocked me and I said to myself how did this happen, that I could actually be happy? Just a little.
    I remember telling a friend later on that day " "I laughed today, and It was a real laugh. the first one in months." I knew then, that somehow, someway I was gonna make it.

    Chrissy , your life will never be the same. You will be shaped by this. Through this, you will adapt to a new kind of normal. You may go on for a long while (and Of course I don't know how long) not feeling like "you". I remember that feeling so well. Everything felt like going through the motions. Then there were the time when " the reality train "would hit and it would seem like any progress I had made was gone and the ground was falling out from under me again.
    I have learned that when those moment hit, and those waves were taking me down I would some how emerge out of them with more strength and a slight change in perspective that allowed me to go on. Don't fear those moments , dont run from them. These are the moments when you will regain parts of yourself, this is the rebuilding. It happens without your permission, but it happens. Though it be so horribly painful, and you are feeling like you are losing your mind ,after the fact that your soul has been ripped out. It is all necessary.
    I will continue to pray and hope for your healing. Healing is not forgetting. Healing is what we must do to survive.
    Seventeen years after the day I heard terrible news, the pain and the memories have found their place in my life. They have made me who I am today. I am no longer haunted by the coulda's woulda's and shoulda'. I am free to think of that person in my own life and the memories we shared and smile to myself and know I am better for it all. God Bless You

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