Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Clarifying

Alright.  I got a comment this morning regarding my blog last night.  Now.  I know that other people are hurting because of Josh's death.  I understand that.  He had a lot of friends and he knew so many people that were obviously affected by it.  However, a large majority of these people are still living life.  My life has stopped (and I'm only addressing myself right now, I know that his parents, brothers, etc. are obviously greatly affected by this). 

On that day my whole entire life was changed.  We had a life planned.  Not to mention how close we were. For five years we spoke almost daily unless the Marine Corps had some sweet field op planned or we were in the middle of a deployment.  When he left home three years ago, I was the one left behind waiting for him.  Everyone else goes on with life, but mine was the one put on hold.  I would wait weeks/months for a few days with him.  Anytime he went away people drifted away.  They didn't keep in touch while he was in North Carolina or deployed. 

I was the one clinging to my phone, carrying it 24/7.  Anyone who knows me knew that I wouldn't risk missing a phone call.  The hours of sleep I lost hoping he would call or get online.  The time I spent shopping for care packages and making sure he had the things he loved while he was away.  It was me.

For the past 3 years I have been waiting for him so we could start a life.  Now I have to plan a new life.  A different one from the one I've dreamed of the past 5 years.  One that doesn't have him in it forever.  I have to completely change everything.  Start over from square 1.  Who else has to do that? 

You can't understand this pain unless you're going through it.  I lost my future.  I don't understand how other people feel about it.  What I do know is how I feel and I know that no one else understands that except other widows.  It's the hardest thing I have ever done and I hope it's the last.  Majority of the people are moving on with their lives and it doesn't affect them everyday.  It affects mine every minute of every day.  I wake up every single morning and it's the first thing I'm reminded of.  I lay there thinking how it's another day and another fight.  I guarantee very few people do that.  I'm not downing anyone either.  It's a part of life.  Tragedies happen and you move on.  It's going to take me a long time to move on and it will never go away. 

Moral of the story- I know people are hurting, but no one understands how I feel.

4 comments:

  1. I may not know what you're going through, and I really hope I never have to feel it, but I do think about you every day hun. You're constantly in my thoughts, and I pray for you and healing every night (ok not every night, I'm still getting into this whole "praying" thing, but every night I remember to!)

    I don't know what you're going through fully, but I'm always here for you if you need me, hun. Lots of love, and I still can't wait to see you again in Feb! Don't forget you can stay at my place if you need to! I'll distract you with Mario Kart Wii!

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  2. I have a dear friend that would always remind me during deployment that I was the only one that had my life completely change when Andy walks out the door. The rest of his family and friends go on with their daily life, sure they worry about him but their lives do not change. So I completely agree with you. I pray for you all the time!!! I don't claim to know what you are going through or how you are feeling. But I can pray for you.

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  3. I have been in this same exact position. In fact, the first person who had a comment similar to the one that you received, was from Dan's Dad. He was upset with me about how I was handling Dan's personal effects, and he yelled "You don't understand what I've lost, I've lost my son!". My heart broke with each word, I started to cry, and simply said "You lost your son, but I lost my life." After my comment he handed the phone to his wife, I wrapped up the conversation, and he's never talked to me again. It hurts when the people you love, are so blinded by their own pain, that they don't see yours. Hang in there lovie!! HUGS!!

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  4. I'm so sorry Chrissy! I don't know at all what your going through right now, but you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you know that I am here for you, if you ever need me.

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