Alright. I got a comment this morning regarding my blog last night. Now. I know that other people are hurting because of Josh's death. I understand that. He had a lot of friends and he knew so many people that were obviously affected by it. However, a large majority of these people are still living life. My life has stopped (and I'm only addressing myself right now, I know that his parents, brothers, etc. are obviously greatly affected by this).
On that day my whole entire life was changed. We had a life planned. Not to mention how close we were. For five years we spoke almost daily unless the Marine Corps had some sweet field op planned or we were in the middle of a deployment. When he left home three years ago, I was the one left behind waiting for him. Everyone else goes on with life, but mine was the one put on hold. I would wait weeks/months for a few days with him. Anytime he went away people drifted away. They didn't keep in touch while he was in North Carolina or deployed.
I was the one clinging to my phone, carrying it 24/7. Anyone who knows me knew that I wouldn't risk missing a phone call. The hours of sleep I lost hoping he would call or get online. The time I spent shopping for care packages and making sure he had the things he loved while he was away. It was me.
For the past 3 years I have been waiting for him so we could start a life. Now I have to plan a new life. A different one from the one I've dreamed of the past 5 years. One that doesn't have him in it forever. I have to completely change everything. Start over from square 1. Who else has to do that?
You can't understand this pain unless you're going through it. I lost my future. I don't understand how other people feel about it. What I do know is how I feel and I know that no one else understands that except other widows. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and I hope it's the last. Majority of the people are moving on with their lives and it doesn't affect them everyday. It affects mine every minute of every day. I wake up every single morning and it's the first thing I'm reminded of. I lay there thinking how it's another day and another fight. I guarantee very few people do that. I'm not downing anyone either. It's a part of life. Tragedies happen and you move on. It's going to take me a long time to move on and it will never go away.
Moral of the story- I know people are hurting, but no one understands how I feel.