Sunday, December 26, 2010

What's next?

You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There will be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends.

Someone reminded me of this quote today.  Is it true?  Yes.  But where do you go in life after something like this happens?  September 2nd, 7:42 am, my whole life fell apart.  We had a plan and it was working out perfectly.  Now what?  How in the world do you ever move on from something like this?  I often wonder if I'm going to have to settle in life.  Am I going to get married one day and think, "this isn't how it was supposed to be."  I'm obviously going to live with this forever.

I constantly question why God put you in my life just to rip you away.  Why would he do that?  I'm sure there is some "bigger" picture, but I'm not seeing it.  Maybe he needed you, but I swear I needed you more.  I remember telling you the last time we talked how I wasn't strong.  Is this to prove something?  I don't understand.  Actually, I probably never will.  I will continue to question it.  Why me?  Why do I have to start over?  What do I do?

I read a blog today that really struck me.  Karie over at Wife of a Wounded Marine summed up this grieving thing pretty well in Grief=Bi Polar:

"You want all of these things that don't go together. Together none of it makes sense. You miss someone so much, and you want them back so bad, yet, you are falling for someone else. You have all these dreams that you are going for and that you want so bad, except if you could go back to the past and give this all up, you would."

Anytime I start to feel a little happy, I take a step back.  I remember you and what we were supposed to have.  It makes me feel like life with someone else won't be fair because I will always be longing to have you back.  Not to mention, I feel like I'm living my life in fear.  God took you away- what's to stop him from taking more?  I'm afraid to be happy and let control be with the higher power again.  I don't want to hurt anymore.  It's a constant pain dealing with this. 

How do you feel happy again?  How do you trust again?  Life has suddenly become a very scary thing for me.  I don't know where to go or what to do and I'm afraid to just let go and live it.  I know I should live life for you, but it's so hard without you.  I have to start over and change all of my plans.  I just wish I could have you back for 10 minutes so I knew what to do.  What you would want me to do.   I wish more than anything that  I had the answer to that question.  We had that conversation 1 time and I blocked it out because I couldn't believe it was discussed.  Now I wish I remembered, but it's all just a blur.  I don't want to disappoint you.  I just want to feel happy again.

P.S. for old times sake- why weren't you under my Christmas tree? ;)
I can't believe that was 5 years ago.. Doesn't seem like it though.  Oh and I survived yesterday.  I managed to sleep most of the day.  I ate Christmas dinner in my sweats, hoodie, and hair from the night before.  I spent some time with your family too.  I didn't act like it was Christmas and even though it was hard, I made it.  Just another bump in a very long road..

5 comments:

  1. I think your questions are entirely appropriate at this stage in your life. You are questioning everything that's happened, and I think you are supposed to. It's completely normal to live in fear - you just experienced the worst thing a wife could ever face. Who's to say it won't happen again? Well, God is to say, of course, and none of that is in our hands. Many of us are in a constant power struggle with God (me being one of those) and it's difficult to let it go when He needs us to.

    I know you are happy that Saturday is over with, and for your sake, I am happy too. I know that had to be rough. But you're absolutely right - you made it. Lots of hugs, hun! Just another stepping stone.

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  2. I'm already scared I'll have to settle. I told Matt that too.If something happens to him, he wants me to move on and make a family still. I told him anyone else would be settling. Thinking of you girl, every day ♥

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  3. keep putting one foot in front of the other , one day at a time.

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  4. Chrissy, if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm here. My e-mail on my blog will pull up my myspace. Everything you're saying sounds exactly like I've felt on and off. My husband died five months before yours and I'm telling you each month it gets a little better. I swear I have a blog almost exactly like this from months ago. This is all a process. Eventually the pain will be more managable and you WILL be able to live your life normally. You will allow yourself doses of grief for your husband, then you will live your life. Obviously I'm still confused by my conflicting feelings, but it really does get easier to live with as time goes on.

    Keep doing what you're doing. If you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you think he's listening, he is. I talk to Cleve in the shower. No one else is around and if I feel like I need to, I will speak out loud. Listen, and you will get the answers you need.

    I'm glad you made it through Christmas. Thinking of you.

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  5. I meant my facebook, sorry... Don't use Myspace.

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