For good reason that is. This is awful. I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but it's so much worse. I keep thinking if you were still deployed you would be calling home (a little disappointed that you weren't here) and excited that you would be home soon. Instead- no call home, no "knowing" you'll be home soon, no being thankful that we have each other. Nothing. I remembered when I thought you being deployed over the holidays was hard. HA! I had no idea how much worse it could really be.
I went to my first steeler game without you. It wasn't as fun and definitely less beer :)
I glanced up to the big screen on a commerical break. They were showing this woman in her house, all dressed up, decorated for Christmas, singing Christmas carols. Pointless, or so it seemed. Guess what? A man in uniform comes walking in and hugs her. F.M.L. That would happen to me.
Oh, and on the way home I got pulled over. Here's how this conversation went;
Cop: Hi mam, everything is audio and video recorded tonight. I need your license, registration, and proof of insurance. (Then he says what I did)
Me: Okay, sorry, one second
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Me: The Steeler game
Cop: Oh, yeah? What was the score?
Me: 27-3 (as I hand him my stuff)
Cop: Well then, I'll just give you a warning.
Score. You would've been proud. Beats the town clown that pulled me over before and I called you crying. Good stuff babe.
So today I went to Giant Eagle getting a few last minute things. I kept running into this same guy throughout the store. Finally at the register he was behind me again and we started talking. I told him about you. Turns out he is a Marine Veteran that served in Vietnam. He was telling me how sorry he was and about the war memorial in D.C. I was intrigued by this man and its funny that I ran into him so many times. As I walked away he told me sorry again and to have a Merry Christmas.
I got in my car and cried the whole way home. I don't want to have a Merry Christmas. You know me and that I am the Christmas guru. I put up my tree super early, I bake tons and tons of cookies, I have my Christmas shopping down to a science, and I wrap everybody and their brothers gifts.
This year I didn't decorate. I didn't bake a single thing, I didn't go Christmas shopping until the last minute (and I cried and was so mean the entire time). It's 1 pm on Christmas eve, and I haven't wrapped a single gift.
Oh and ironically enough I turned on A League of Their Own, and it's the part where the woman gets notified that her husband died. Crying all over again. It's awful. Soooo out of character for me, but I don't even care. I just want to sleep it away. No matter where I go or what I do, I don't stop thinking about you or missing you. My heart breaks a little more each day and as I pass through another hurdle on this long journey. I just want you back in my life. I don't want to do this without you anymore.
In any case, I hope you're watching close by and have a good Christmas in the clouds. Stay close.
Merry Christmas, love <3