Friday, December 24, 2010

Modern Day Scrooge

For good reason that is.  This is awful.  I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but it's so much worse.  I keep thinking if you were still deployed you would be calling home (a little disappointed that you weren't here) and excited that you would be home soon.  Instead- no call home, no "knowing" you'll be home soon, no being thankful that we have each other.  Nothing.  I remembered when I thought you being deployed over the holidays was hard. HA! I had no idea how much worse it could really be.

I went to my first steeler game without you.  It wasn't as fun and definitely less beer :)
I glanced up to the big screen on a commerical break.  They were showing this woman in her house, all dressed up, decorated for Christmas, singing Christmas carols.  Pointless, or so it seemed.  Guess what?  A man in uniform comes walking in and hugs her. F.M.L.  That would happen to me.

Oh, and on the way home I got pulled over.  Here's how this conversation went;

Cop:  Hi mam, everything is audio and video recorded tonight.  I need your license, registration, and proof of insurance. (Then he says what I did)
Me: Okay, sorry, one second
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Me: The Steeler game
Cop: Oh, yeah?  What was the score?
Me: 27-3 (as I hand him my stuff)
Cop: Well then, I'll just give you a warning.

Score.  You would've been proud.  Beats the town clown that pulled me over before and I called you crying.  Good stuff babe.

So today I went to Giant Eagle getting a few last minute things.  I kept running into this same guy throughout the store.  Finally at the register he was behind me again and we started talking.  I told him about you.  Turns out he is a Marine Veteran that served in Vietnam.  He was telling me how sorry he was and about the war memorial in D.C.  I was intrigued by this man and its funny that I ran into him so many times.  As I walked away he told me sorry again and to have a Merry Christmas.

I got in my car and cried the whole way home.  I don't want to have a Merry Christmas.  You know me and that I am the Christmas guru.  I put up my tree super early, I bake tons and tons of cookies, I have my Christmas shopping down to a science, and I wrap everybody and their brothers gifts.

This year I didn't decorate.  I didn't bake a single thing,  I didn't go Christmas shopping until the last minute (and I cried and was so mean the entire time).  It's 1 pm on Christmas eve, and I haven't wrapped a single gift. 

Oh and ironically enough I turned on A League of Their Own, and it's the part where the woman gets notified that her husband died.  Crying all over again.  It's awful.  Soooo out of character for me, but I don't even care.  I just want to sleep it away.  No matter where I go or what I do, I don't stop thinking about you or missing you.  My heart breaks a little more each day and as I pass through another hurdle on this long journey.  I just want you back in my life.  I don't want to do this without you anymore. 

In any case, I hope you're watching close by and have a good Christmas in the clouds.  Stay close.

Merry Christmas, love <3


  1. *HUGS* My thoughts are with you and the family this holiday season.

  2. Merry Christmas Chrissy. I know this is hard, but you're a strong woman. Josh is watching over you.

  3. if its any consolation Chrissy, the day i found out about Twigg..... was my birthday.

    it was the first thing i woke up to. a text that morning. informing me that my friend was gone.

    i didnt celebrate. i tried. laina and i share the same bday... while she was all dolled up and dancing at the coney.... i sat in the corner and drank whiskey. alone.

    it was the worst time of my life too, and i had been experiencing other difficulties in my life prior to that even... so a haze has been over my head since then as well.

    and then getting in some legal trouble in october... fuck *MY* life.

    so you are never alone babe. at least things seem to be looking up for you. i feel like depressing shit just keeps happening to me... we all lost someone close to us, but as they say, time heals all things... always keep that in mind. please keep your head up and know you have support. always.

    i love the post about him being the strength in you..... if twigg is your strength, you are mine.

    dont hang your head. i know these holidays and celebrations may seem difficult, but together, we're all going to be ok.

    keep smiling. <3

  4. I dont think anyone can compare to your loss, Josh was your future and entire life. I think people are trying to be there for you and just honestly dont know how. I know Josh is looking down smiling at all of the accomplishments you have made since he passed away. I honestly don't know how you do it and I can't begin to tell you how much of in influence you have had on my life. I love you and always am here for you