On the Down

Yup.  That didn't take long at all now did it?

I knew it was bound to happen.  Homecoming is soooo soon, 5 years on Saturday, another 2 is around the corner, andddddddddddddddd everyone around me is getting engaged. 2011 is the year I've been waiting for.  Instead- no homecoming, no ring, no happily ever after. 

My life is still in shambles and I still don't feel like I have started putting it back together.  I just want to be happy.  To be loved again.  That void and pain is so indescribable and unless you're going through it, you don't have an ounce of what it feels like.  To hurt so much and long for someone that you can't have.  To be scared, confused, lost, alone. To lose friends and feel abandoned by people who promised to be there.  To feel for someone else, but want the past.  To cry one minute and smile the next.  To laugh and to be angry all in the same moment.  To get crazy upset with people and their stupid comments.  To hurt for every other person you hear of that loses their life.  To make best friends with other widows just because you understand each other like sisters.  To lose faith and trust in the world yet pray for a happy life and hold out hope that things will get better.  It is such a roller coaster and impossible to understand.

I have to change my whole life.  I was thinking about everything a lot today.  After care package shopping, me and Erica took a ridiculously long way home.  I drove on the roads that we would go on to get to your house.  We talked about all of the crazy fun stuff we did in high school.  I thought about the times we would be driving and all the stuff that happened on our trips back and forth between each others houses.  The laughs, the tears, the love.  I drove past the house I told you I always wanted.  I listened to the songs that reminded me of you.  The late nights I would come get you after we had a stupid fight (that I probably started) to crash at 3 am.  Sheetz runs at ridiculous hours.  You teaching me how to play beer pong and getting ticked off when I beat you (and the smile on your face when we were a team and beat everyone else).  The first party we had after my 16th birthday.  Movie nights. Naps. Laying on the couch all day being complete bums.  Convincing me to go on that darn bike that I despised (not gonna lie, I liked it..  even though I was scared, I'm glad you convinced me to go). Our adventure to Jvegas.  My gummy game (=]).  Riding.  Everything.

You showed me a side of myself that I didn't know.  You pushed me every second of every day to be the best that I could be.  You showed me to not be afraid.  You showed me how strong that I am.

I lived because of you, but I wish so badly I could have you back.  It ended too soon.  This isn't how it was supposed to be and it's not fair.  I don't want to start over.  It's not fair that I don't have a choice.  I didn't choose this life.  MY whole world and future came crashing down that day.  I think some people don't quite understand that besides your family and close friends because it affects them too.   That's maybe 10 people.  The rest have no idea. 

My heart hurts.  I just want you to fix it.  To make it all better like you always did.  I know if you were here you would hold me and let me cry, but tell me it's going to be okay and push through it.  You were always in my corner and I know that somehow, someway, you'll still get me through.