Wednesday, December 29, 2010

On the Down

Yup.  That didn't take long at all now did it?

I knew it was bound to happen.  Homecoming is soooo soon, 5 years on Saturday, another 2 is around the corner, andddddddddddddddd everyone around me is getting engaged. 2011 is the year I've been waiting for.  Instead- no homecoming, no ring, no happily ever after. 

My life is still in shambles and I still don't feel like I have started putting it back together.  I just want to be happy.  To be loved again.  That void and pain is so indescribable and unless you're going through it, you don't have an ounce of what it feels like.  To hurt so much and long for someone that you can't have.  To be scared, confused, lost, alone. To lose friends and feel abandoned by people who promised to be there.  To feel for someone else, but want the past.  To cry one minute and smile the next.  To laugh and to be angry all in the same moment.  To get crazy upset with people and their stupid comments.  To hurt for every other person you hear of that loses their life.  To make best friends with other widows just because you understand each other like sisters.  To lose faith and trust in the world yet pray for a happy life and hold out hope that things will get better.  It is such a roller coaster and impossible to understand.

I have to change my whole life.  I was thinking about everything a lot today.  After care package shopping, me and Erica took a ridiculously long way home.  I drove on the roads that we would go on to get to your house.  We talked about all of the crazy fun stuff we did in high school.  I thought about the times we would be driving and all the stuff that happened on our trips back and forth between each others houses.  The laughs, the tears, the love.  I drove past the house I told you I always wanted.  I listened to the songs that reminded me of you.  The late nights I would come get you after we had a stupid fight (that I probably started) to crash at 3 am.  Sheetz runs at ridiculous hours.  You teaching me how to play beer pong and getting ticked off when I beat you (and the smile on your face when we were a team and beat everyone else).  The first party we had after my 16th birthday.  Movie nights. Naps. Laying on the couch all day being complete bums.  Convincing me to go on that darn bike that I despised (not gonna lie, I liked it..  even though I was scared, I'm glad you convinced me to go). Our adventure to Jvegas.  My gummy game (=]).  Riding.  Everything.

You showed me a side of myself that I didn't know.  You pushed me every second of every day to be the best that I could be.  You showed me to not be afraid.  You showed me how strong that I am.

I lived because of you, but I wish so badly I could have you back.  It ended too soon.  This isn't how it was supposed to be and it's not fair.  I don't want to start over.  It's not fair that I don't have a choice.  I didn't choose this life.  MY whole world and future came crashing down that day.  I think some people don't quite understand that besides your family and close friends because it affects them too.   That's maybe 10 people.  The rest have no idea. 

My heart hurts.  I just want you to fix it.  To make it all better like you always did.  I know if you were here you would hold me and let me cry, but tell me it's going to be okay and push through it.  You were always in my corner and I know that somehow, someway, you'll still get me through.

5 comments:

  1. It saddens my heart to think that you have to go thru all this pain. But I understand fully what you are going thru. I have lost many friends and loved ones in the past 10 years b/c of the wars that we are in right now. I have lost many of my own Marines, watched as their bodies were placed on the plane in Afghanistan to fly to Dover so their families could go thru the same things we did just a few hours/days ago. It is heart wrenching to know what you are going thru. I pray everyday that you get stronger and your confidence grows more and more. You WILL find love again. I did not know Twigg, but I know that he would want you to keep going, looking forward, and not saying "what if". You are a strong, confident and bright young woman. Take everything that he has taught you, every moment that you all created together, and keep it close to your heart, walk out the door, take a deep breath and look up, because he is smiling down on you and would want you to smile back. He will always be with you and have your heart and now he has guardianship of it. He will protect you and guide you in the right direction.
    I will continue to pray for you and again you are a true inspiration to every person who has lost a loved one.

    God Bless you,

    Laura Bigley

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  2. I read your blog everyday and your words are so powerful that I always feel that no matter what comment I may leave would never be enough. I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't ever have a clue what to say but I just wanted you to know that you are strong and that he would be proud of you. I only know you from usmc yuku but your story is one that hits so close to me and so many other marine wives. Please keep writing because I know there are others out there who are hurting like you. You should take what you have learned through this experience and try to help other widows/gfs- because you really do have a gift of putting your feelings into words! God bless you!!!

    Lauren Guess

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  3. Im so sorry Chrissy and my heart does ache for you!!
    but for some its not that they lost there significant other when they say they now how you feel!! they might of lost a close friend a father a mother a father in law grandpa grandma or who ever they may have lost.. they still miss that person so badly it hurts each day they wish that person could be there to celebrate the holidays to talk too you to hug one last time!! so for you to say they dont understand.. they might actually do!!! I know if it was my husband or son or sister or brother I would hurt all over I dont think I could get out of bed..
    But I have lost loved ones in my life ones that i could go talk to about anything.The one tht wrapped his arms around me and made feel safe.. I miss him more and more everyday.. and I cry when I think about them or I see something that reminds me of that person!! so yah I do understand.. does it get easier to cope with I believe it does do ever get over the sadness that your loved one isnt with you, No you dont!!
    I read your blogs and I feel how much pain your in and I feel so sad for you..so dont think I am trying to mean cause I do care alot!!
    but when ppl say they understand
    it might actually mean they do !!
    or they say it cause they really dont know what else to say !!

    God bless You
    saying some prayers for you


    hope this comment does not make you upset
    cause it wasnt intended for that!!

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  4. I don't so much agree with the other anonymous comment, I feel as though until you've lost your significant other so suddenly, and in a far away place the only other people that know exactly how you feel and the amount of hurt and feeling like a piece of you died with them, can only be truly understood by someone who experienced the same exact thing.

    Joelle

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  5. Chrissy,

    I want to first thank you and Josh for your sacrifice. My husband was stationed at Camp Lejeune with 1/2. I know the heartache and fear that comes with loving a Marine. I read your story and my heart is breaking for you. I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel, because I can only imagine. I only know the feeling I had through both deployments my husband had and I was sick to my stomache and living in fear for that visit from the Marines in their Dress Blues. My husband always told me that not just any woman can love a Marine and that it takes someone with a lot of strength and courage. Josh chose you, so just try to stay strong and remember that. I will be praying for you. God Bless you and Josh's family.

    P.S. I am not far from where you live, maybe 45 mins. Sometimes it's comforting to know you have a "sister" not too far away.

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