Reminders

Wednesday was a beautiful spring day.  It was warm, the sun was shining, and the sky was blue with fluffy white clouds.  I was working so I spent the day inside at Fox's.  As I was working something caught my eye.  I peered across the street as I saw the funeral directors putting the signs over the parking meters and before long people started piling into the funeral home.  It instantly struck me, wondering who could be inside.

Before long a fellow employee stopped in.  The young man inside was a 19 year old from the area hat had been killed in a car accident earlier in the week.  Memories came flooding back to me.  I saw young kids and families one by one find their way in and out of the funeral home.  It reminded me of you.  Us being 21 and 20 years old our friends and their families filed into your viewing the same way. 

It seems as though young people die around here far too often.  I guess as humans we never expect young people to die because it isn't the order of life.  But it is very much real and it happens way more often than we would like.  I remember at the ripe age of 15 when we lost our first friend.  How complete devastating that was too us because "that doesn't happen here."  I have since learned that it does and it can be anyone at anytime.

As crappy as it is, it's a learning experience.  Something so bad that you have to look to find the light in it.  Where is the good?  I turned my focus to school.  Luckily for me I found another love, blogging.  I recently started a professional blog.  I love writing and I love when I'm not forced to do it.  I don't think I would ever be a writer because then it would be more forced.  I like doing it for me.  Believe it or not I put a lot of thought into my blogs prior to writing them.  It's therapeutic for me.  My professional blog is a way for me to keep organized and I think it is something to set yourself apart.

As much as I hate it: it happened for a reason.  There has to be a reason and maybe this was one of them.  To show me what I'm really capable of.  Although, I definitely would have preferred a different method to teach me a lesson.

Oh, speaking of careers, I'm taking my Praxis II exams tomorrow.  Here's the kicker: I have bronchitis!  How ridiculous is that?!  As if I'm not nervous enough I have to deal with hacking up my lungs.  I have done absolutely nothing all day today because I don't have an ounce of faith.  I should have been studying, but I haven't ventured far from the couch.  I watched to Royal Wedding and tons of tv shows.  Exciting life I lead when I feel like crap.  I swear it never fails when something important comes along I pick up some kind of crazy illness.  Not to mention I already had strep throat this semester.  It's another one of those things you think God could do in another way.

Why can't anything be easy..? 

An overwhelming pain

Sometimes the hurt of this mess is unbearable.  I thought about it a lot the past few days and it is just tearing me apart.  Friday was two years since this:

 

Homecoming.

I knew it was going to be a bad day.  And wouldn't you know it nothing went right from the time I woke up.  it's hard when a day rolls around that was so amazing ends up flat out sucking a couple years later.  I thought about it all day long.  I remember that day.  We got up at 2 am to make the drive to North Carolina.  I was sick the entire 10 hour drive because I was so nervous to see you.  Really, 7 months is a long time.  I couldn't even believe that day had finally arrived.  I remember a friend, Becky, called me and I just remember "you did it sweetie!"  We had made it.  One deployment down and for the time being we were in the clear.  I knew another one was coming, but it wasn't relevant at the time.

Those days are harsh and painful reminders now.  I've been in this funk ever since.  I invited some friends over Friday night to keep me occupied and I have since engaged in some serious retail therapy.  It never really fixes it though.  It's a temporary fix.. I think that's a good way to describe it.  

I was talking to someone today about my "bad days" and how they aren't as frequent.  But then I started talking about after it happened.  How I don't really remember much.  My body set into the fog on auto pilot.  Literally: survival mode.  I look back on that first month or so and I have no idea how I made it.  Not one clue.  A year from now I'll probably be saying the same thing about now.  I really don't know how I do it.  

It hurts so bad.  I was talking to your Mom the other day and she told me she had a dream about us.  She said we were laying on the couch (which we did 90% of the time watching movies) and you wanted me to know you proud you were of me.  Little reminders like that are so bittersweet.  I love hearing it, but then the pain sets in because I want to hear it from you.  I want you back in my life so bad and I can't.  

I talked to your Mom for a few minutes after that and she told me how she would look at us and just think what our kids would look like.  Everyone always said that we would have the cutest kids because we were both darker complected with brown hair and eyes.  Everyone always thought we would be together. 

Grrrr. Right about now is the time that I get angry.  I'm so mad that everything that was supposed to be got taken away from me.  it's not fair.  I thought a lot today about all of the things we had plan.  I clearly can't do any of that anymore.  Nor do I want to because you aren't here.  Not fair.  Not one little bit.  

You know what else drives me insane these days?  People who are so miserable that they are complete bitches to everyone else.  I really want to be like, "listen, you're life is not that bad. I'm sorry your a miserable beotch, but stop taking it out on everyone else.  And how bout you try being thankful for what you have instead of complaining about every little thing."  My life isn't exactly grand right now either, but I can't say that I am totally miserable either.  I don't even play that card most of the time because I don't want to use it as an excuse.  Honestly, people bring it on themselves.

It could always be worse.  I remember thinking when this deployment first started it couldn't be any worse and complaining about it.  Ha!  Little did I know how bad it could really be.  Even though I would have preferred a different method I learned from it.

If you haven't noticed, I'm obviously bitter today.  There are just some days when the need to have my life back to the way it was.  Realistically I know that I can't.  It doesn't stop the desire though.  I just keep telling myself it has to get better sometime. 

Just keep swimming..

Letting Go: The Unexpected

Note to self: don't rely on technology for anything.

For as long as I can remember I have saved things on my cell phone.  I had the entire last text conversation we had locked on my phone along with a few other messages that I would read from time to time.  Lately my phone has been acting up, but I didn't think much about it because the texts were locked.

Well, today I was at work and my phone wouldn't do a thing.  I took the battery out and turned it back on.. nothing.  So it finally restarted itself.  I went to text someone back and noticed that all of my text messages had been wiped out.  Gone.  I frantically kept turning my phone off and on hoping that they would reappear.  Nope.

I ran out into the hallway and started sobbing.  Every ounce of make up I had on was running off of my face as I text one of my friends in our office to come outside.  She came and sat with me and I could not stop crying.  I wasn't ready for those to be gone yet.  Is that a sign or something to let it go?  And wouldn't you know it, I chucked my phone at the wall and the bastard didn't break!  Really?!  It's those things that you are unprepared for and it hits you like a train.

I couldn't even focus the rest of the day.  Every time someone asked me what was wrong I started crying all over again.  I hate the days like that.  It's awful.  There's nothing you can do about it, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Reading those texts were just little reminders when I needed them.

As I sat sobbing in the hallway I frantically dialed my voice mail to check and see if they were still there.  Over and over I heard, "hey baby."  My heart just sank.  I miss that so much.  I was watching the few videos I had of you on that stupid little bike and all I said was "are you done" and you shot me that dumb little look you always gave me when you were mocking me.  Jerk.

Point is: days like today tear me apart.  I almost left class early because I didn't have any ounce of focus.  I went tanning and to dinner with Emily so I felt a little better.  It's just so hard to keep telling yourself "Chrissy, it's okay.  Not a big deal."  Because really it feels like a huge deal.  Not to mention 10 minutes earlier I was busy being excited with one of my closest friends who literally just got accepted into grad school (we were holding hands while she called btw).  It just sucked and it caught me off guard.

I'm sure tonight will be real fun.  Never fails.  And you know, today did start off to be a pretty good day other than feeling like a zombie.  I wish people knew how easy it was to get thrown into a hysterical mess.  All it takes is one little thing and sometimes it happens so fast you don't have anytime to prevent it from happening.  I hate when I know that I have no control over it.  Maybe eventually I will; just not right now. 

Up and down. Highs and lows.  Story of my freakin life.  You know, this shit gets old sometimes.

Blunt Reminder

Last night I had some legit flashbacks of how much I hated telling you goodbye or "see you later."  I hated every second when it came to being the end of leave and you had to go back.  I cried every single time.  It was inevitable that I would.  I didn't like doing that to you, but it was so hard not to.

I was reminded of all the late nights in your driveway.  Just standing there holding on for dear life and not wanting to let go.  I was always the last one to see you.  I watched the pain in your eyes over and over again as you left home each time.  I remember the last time you left home.  I went with you, but to watch you hurt so much killed me inside.  As we got in the car to head to North Carolina I remember just grabbing your hand and not even knowing what to say to you anymore.

I was so over it.  That's the one thing about being separated because of the military.  The constant need to say goodbye.  After 3 years of it, I had enough.  I wanted so badly for it to just go away.  To just go with you.  To not see you hurt as you left the place you loved.

Sometimes I couldn't even focus on being with you because I knew what was coming.  It was the "4 more days or few more  hours."  Blah blah blah.  Constant countdown.  I waited soooo long for you to come home then it always seemed to be over in the blink of an eye.  96 hours here, 10 days there, 72 hours, 12 days. Gah! It's kinda like my "9 months since I've seen you."  I hate numbers.  Seriously (go ahead say it, jerk :p).

Honestly, I think that was always the worst part.  It wasn't the 3 months of boot camp, the 7 months of deployments, or the time you were in North Carolina.  It was telling you bye every single time.  It gets old and the hurt gets worse.

I just want you back.  As we get closer to the EAS date it makes me so angry.  Angry that it ended this way.  We made it over 3 years through all the bull crap for it to end like this.  All I ever wanted was to get through those 4 years so we could start our lives. The tons of tearful goodbyes, the distance, the hurt, the constant struggle, the deployments.  All of it.  We got through all of it jut like we said we would, but it ended differently.  It didn't end July 1, 2011.  It ended way too soon and not how I ever pictured it to be.  I always thought if we could just get through it, it would be okay.  Knowing that it didn't makes me want to punch people and break things.  It's not fair.

I watch everyone else get their homecoming and their EAS and their happily ever after.  Why didn't I get mine?  I did everything that they did. Hell, there are people cheating and whatever else on their husbands and they STILL get theirs.  Why did mine get taken away?  It's not fair.   

Stupid flashbacks.

Looking Back: Boot Camp

So someone I know is starting their Marine Corps journey today.  The one I started four years ago (it's absolutely crazy that it will be 4 years in a few months and how much has changed).  It's weird though looking back on it now.. Everything I experienced and learned through the corps.  I keep thinking the whole "if I knew then what I knew now" nonsense.  I reached out to her this morning.  I remember that initial shock when they ripped you away from me.

At the time 3 months seemed like an eternity.  I'll never forget the day you were leaving.  It seemed to be never ending and I cried alllllll day as usual.  I remember they were late (big shocker MC.. I should have known then you were out to get me) so the day just drug on.  I remember sitting on the couch when they said he was there.  You came back in the house.. hugged me.. kissed me on my forehead and said I love you before walking out the door.  I stood there crying.  Just like that you were gone.  Actually, that was the first time I ever saw you cry.  It all happened so fast I didn't know what to do.  I took off out the door to my great grandparents two doors down and started hysterically crying.  It was such a shock that it finally happened.  Like the "and we're off" on our Marine Corps journey.  I kept thinking 4 years and it's over.  Well, I got the over I wanted too soon and not how I pictured it.

So, basically boot camp blows.  The one day (2 months in) I finally turned my phone on vibrate you called during my 8 am volleyball practice.  I still have that voice mail, "Chrissy, whatever you do do not call this number back I'll get kicked out of here. I shouldn't be calling you."  Right.  I should have called back :p

I remember sitting on the front porch.. patiently waiting for the mail and tackling the mailman to frantically dig through the pile looking for these:

 

I love those letters.  I read them from time to time.  Marine Corps lesson #1: You become an avid letter writer.  The first few weeks I remember saying, "Who writes letters?!  This isn't 1865!"  But low and behold those letters are some of my most valued possessions.  There was something about those letters that makes you fall a little more in love everyday.  I HATED Sunday because, well, there wasn't mail on Sunday.  I remember the first letter I got.. It was July 17th.  3 weeks later and I was getting my Senior pictures taken that day.  I was leaving my house.. saw the mail man.. and turned right back around to check the mailbox and there it was.  I read it over and over and over again.  I don't think I could have been happier.  I wrote a letter every single day.  It was like part of my routine to write a letter at night talking about my day. 

It's so tempting to just walk away during boot camp.  To be with someone else because it almost feels like your boyfriend fell off the face of the earth.  And of course the good ole drill instructors pounded it into their heads that every girl was back home cheating.  I don't know how many "please don't leave me" letters I got because they said it so much.  I think the DI's have a field day when they find out that someone has a girlfriend.  Lame.  Douche bags.  But that was lesson #2: Don't give up.  You have to be a fighter.  It's one of those "only the strong survive" kinda deals.  And lesson #3: Beware of the best friends.  I'll just leave it at that.

Lesson #4:  you're friends will tell you "they understand."  You just have to learn to tell them to eff off.  Don't be surprised when they complain about their boyfriends being gone for a weekend.  Because you know, 48 hours is such an eternity.  You learn to deal with the annoying complaints of your friends even though you want to punch them square in the face.  They try to understand, they really do.  However, unless they go through it, they never will.  It's just how it goes.  They will be there for you though.  To make you laugh or to listen to you cry.  Erica practically lived at my house with me and we became guru's on guitar hero.  I remember the day he left sitting on her porch, "Chrissy, if you can get through this you can get through anything."  She was right.  You can and you will.  

You will also have one massive break down thinking you can't do it anymore.  I'll never ever forget the night that happened to me.  It was the night of the bonfire; the weekend before school started.  The next morning at volleyball my eyes were swollen shut.  I remember my friend Cara getting out of her car and the first thing she said was "what the hell happened to you?"  I cried for hours thinking I can never do this.   You can though.  I promise you that.  Boot camp changes you too.  You learn about yourself, life, and your relationship.  You become a different person over those 3 months, too.  It gets to the point where you feel so broken down and you miss them so much (really it's like they are non-existent sometimes)  that you just can't keep doing.  Whatever you do, don't give up.  Remember why you're waiting and you will never regret it. 

It pays off in the end.  Every second of those 3 months is worth it when you see them again.  I remember first seeing him on family day.  I lost it!  I couldn't believe he was finally there in front of me again.. and that hug.  Gah!  Although I got tears all over the perfectly fixed uniform.  Oops.  Oh, but lesson #5: don't be surprised when all they can do is "escort" you on family day.  I was so pissed.  I waited alllllll day long for my little kiss hoping no one saw so he didn't get reamed.  Although, I spent most of that day angry he was so distant.   

Which brings me to boot camp lesson #6: they will be different.  Not a whole lot, but definitely different.  Oh, and A LOT skinnier.  Don't worry, it doesn't take long to get the beer gut back.  They break you all the way down so they can build you back up.  I hated them for it at first, but I appreciated it later.  I hated so many things the MC did to us and in the end I appreciated it.  It made us the people we were and it only made us stronger.

My point through all of this is it's a huge shock at first, but you learn to adjust and survive.  And when you make it through you realize that it was worth it.  Boot camp is just the start of this long journey and it's crazy for me to look back on it now because I knew absolutely nothing about the Marines then.  So that's where I stand now: to be there for the ones that don't know.  I think how different it would have been if someone had told me what to expect.   I didn't find my Corpswives family until much later so at the beginning I felt really alone.  Truth is, you're never alone when it comes to the MC.  It's just a matter of finding that family and learning to lean on them when you need them.  That's the definite upside. 

Just being me

Today is honestly the  best day I've had probably since this has happened.  I'm really not even sure why, but I actually feel kinda happy today.  That's a big deal for me people!

First of all it is absolutely beautiful outside.  The sun is shining bright, the white puffy clouds with a blue sky, and the smell of spring is everywhere.  I love spring.  I feel like after this fall/winter that I had it truly represents a "new" life or a "rebirth."  Weird, I know.  But it's true.

Second (and this is going to sound ridiculously nerdy): I got a perfect on my memoir!  I was so nervous because I wasn't sure that I really got my point across.  Probably because anytime I talked about it or read it I totally disconnected myself from it so I could hold it together.  It made me so happy that every time someone read it they thought it was good. I'm proud of myself, too.  For being able to write that.  It was so incredibly difficult for me.  I never knew how powerful my writing could be.

Which brings me to my third and final point.  You, my readers (and Joshua you included), have really warmed my heart lately with your kind comments.  I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that what I am writing helps other people and is inspiring.  Honestly, I never thought in a million years (sometimes I really still don't) that I could make an impact on people just for writing about what I'm going through.  I never imagined that I could make that type of impression on my readers.  I love it though.. so much.  I love writing and I love this blog.  A few people have brought up the idea of writing a book with what I have already done in this blog and my memoir.  You know what?  I just might.  It will probably take me a long time, but I love sharing my story.  I want people to know us and I want to be able to help other people that are going through this same tragedy.  Who knows.. maybe there really is some blessing in disguise.

For the first time the other night I went back to older posts.  I hadn't done that yet because I thought it would trigger some emotions, but it didn't too much.  I was sharing some of the stuff on here with someone and I realized something.  Even though it doesn't always feel like it, I have come so far.  When I read posts from the first month there was so much more of that "fog" and pain.  I was angry and hurting.  A hot freakin mess (which is to be expected).  But when you are going through something so tragic you don't see the progress that you really are making each and every day.  I'm glad that I decided to write about it from the beginning.  I wrote my first post three days after I got the terrible news and where I was then compared to where I am now is two completely different people.

I'm slowly, but surely, learning to find myself again.  Just being me.  I will never ever ever forget him.  Josh will be in my heart along with all of those memories until the day I die.  I will always miss him and wish that things were different, but I am learning to live without him there in the physical sense.  Honestly, if he can see me, I think he would be really proud of me.  I really do.  For the first time in my life I am taking control of me and doing whatever it takes to make me happy.   I tried so hard for so long to "fill the void."  Now that I've stopped and focused on myself, I'm learning to be happy again and I love every second of it.

I was lucky to find love and when you find one like that.. you never lose it.  It stays with you forever.  Sure, I  will love again.  He would want me to.  No matter what I won't stop loving him.  He will love me back just as much even from far away.  They always say, "distance makes the heart grow fonder."  It's just a distance and this won't last forever.  Just our temporary home.

Living life is the hard part.  Dying is easy.  If I learned something it's that we're all fighters and we have to find a way to get through this life no matter what is thrown at us.  Reality is: no one has it easy.  And no matter how bad things may seem, it could always be worse.  I have had quite a life, but I am so lucky.  I have a family, friends, a job, an education, a career that I love, and so much more.  I may be missing a huge piece of my life, but I am determined.  This isn't going to shut me down.  I won't let it happen and neither will Josh.  He loved me more than anything else in this world and he wanted me to be happy.   I'm not going to waste it.  Life is short friends so don't waste a second.

Lots of love <3

Nights in the Backwoods

Hello blogging world! I haven't forgotten about you, but for some reasons professors think it's cool to give you tons of work to do in the last 4 weeks of the semester.  Not to mention I picked up extra hours at work so I have time for nothing.

Anyways, I spent some time out and about this weekend.  Anyone who lives around here knows when you're underage and bored you're probably hitting up some back roads on the weekends.  I was out this weekend and no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing I don't stop thinking about you.  I went back by Allen Bridge and the last time I was there was with you.  Really the only time I ever went to any of these places was with you.  It just makes my heart sink into my stomach to think of all the things we used to do together.

Lately I have had such a longing.  A longing to get my life back.  I was happy with the way things were (not that I realized how happy I really was at the time).  I took entirely too much for granted and I regret that more than anyone knows now.  I feel like it's been so long since I've touched you and talked to you.  All I want is to have that back. 

You know- I get a lot of hugs these days, but it isn't the same.  I remember hugging you or just laying on the couch in your arms and I always felt safe.  I felt like no one in the world could hurt me and it was like I belonged there.  I hate hate hate not having that anymore.  I want it back.  And really who is to say I'll ever find that again?

People tell me over and over again how lucky I was to know that kind of love.  They're right: I'm extremely lucky that I had you in my life for 5 years.  But what if I don't find that again?  Am I just going to "settle" because it doesn't happen twice in one lifetime?  Not that I want to just move on with it and forget it all but it would be kinda nice to take some steps in the right direction and at least feel like someone cared about me that way again. 

I know it won't happen overnight and maybe not even in the next few years.  It's just a constant longing to have that figure back in my life.  Right now I'm focused on me and what makes me happy.  Eventually though I don't want to have to do it alone.  It was a lot easier for me when you were by my side no matter what.  It's a hard adjustment learning to do it yourself again.. No fun. 

On an exciting note... I'm going to Las Vegas!!! Scary thought, babe.  Don't worry I'll be extra safe.  I mean come on how many opportunities do you get to spend your 21st birthday in Vegas?  That would be 1, if any.  I'm super excited.  I think it will be good for me and not to sound like a brat, but I kinda think I deserve to have a good birthday after everything I have been through in the last 7 months.  Besides that, the bars in Indiana aren't going anywhere and they will all still be here when I get back.  No big deal people.  Besides, my decision. My birthday.  It'll be fun.  Don't get too jealous, Joshua, you can always come with :)

A Beautiful Nightmare

Here it is.. the final product. I still don't like it, but I really can't look at it anymore..

A Beautiful Nightmare

It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining bright and I could feel its rays through the high window in my room.  I rolled around in my bed as I heard my cell phone ringing thinking it was my alarm.  Of course, another phone call and someone waking me up before my alarm.  Grumpy and tired I rolled over and picked up my phone.  I saw it wasn’t my boyfriend; it was his Dad, which was even more disappointing because if I’m getting up early it at least better be a call from Afghanistan.  I missed the call so I listened to the voicemail that said to call him back.  Something was off.  Something didn’t feel right.  I frantically hit send on my phone and it started ringing.  “Chrissy,” started off the worst conversation of my life.  I sat up in my bed, clearly something was wrong.  Maybe he was just hurt.  Maybe something happened to his mom. Maybe they needed something.  I yelled, “what is going on?”  More than once.  I wish I had never gotten a response.  His voice trembled as I heard, “Chrissy, Josh was killed this morning.”  Oh, no.

No.

No.

No.

This was not going to happen to me.  No way.  It can’t be.  I kept telling him he was lying to me.  He wasn’t lying.  The casualty assistance officer was there (they were out of state so another officer notified them).  It was real.  A military spouses worst nightmare was about to become my life.  He hung up the phone and I sat in my room.  I couldn’t even cry.  Thoughts raced through my head, what do I do?  Is this really happening right now?  I took off out of my bed and down the stairs.  I, hysterically, went through the rooms yelling for my Nana.  She was putting my little cousins on the bus outside, but she heard me and came barging through the door asking what was wrong.  “Nana, they killed him.”

I hit the floor. 

And burst into tears…..  It was real.

As I sat there on the floor holding my Nana’s leg like I had nothing left she asked me over and over again if I was sure.  Was I sure?  Maybe it’s a mistake?  It could be.  Maybe I’m dreaming.  Nope.  I’m wide-awake.  Is this really happening to me?  Is this what this feels like? Because I didn’t see it happening this way.  I managed to text a few of my friends.  All they said was “Josh died.”  I couldn’t get anything more than that out at the moment.  In between my tears I looked up seeing my five-year-old cousin peering around the corner with fear in her eyes wondering what was going on.  What was going on?  Mass chaos.  That’s what.  My nana had left me on the floor as I heard her call my aunt, who was on her way to work, telling her to come back home.  My great grandparents (who are 90 and 86) came flying in the door.  I could see the heartbreak and pain in their eyes.  No one knew what to say.  I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  For so long my Pap has fixed all my life problems.  But today.. he was just as helpless as I was.  A few minutes later my aunt came running around the corner with tears in her eyes.  She crouched down beside me on the floor hugging me as I rocked back and fourth.  Somehow I made it to the couch.  I remember sitting there.  Word had spread like wild fire.  I had facebook notifications going to my phone because while he was gone that was his way of waking me up if he didn’t have a phone.  I sat there.  Holding my phone.  Not even able to keep up with the calls, text messages, facebook notifications.  New text.  Call. Facebook. Call. Text. Text. Voicemail. Facebook. Call. Text. STOP!

The pure panic and shock that I felt was felt by others as well.  I thought for sure my phone was going to blow up.  I couldn’t even keep up with all of the messages coming through.  Before I knew it flowers were showing up at the door.  Flowers?  Come on people I haven’t even processed what is happening and you already have flowers at the door?  My dad came with my brother.  Watching his sweet little girl completely devastated willing to do whatever it takes to make it better.  I grabbed my laptop.  I remember emailing Dr. Fello and Dr. Creany, my professors for my classes the morning, and my boss:

I just wanted to let you all know that I will not be present in class or work today.  I found out within the half hour that my boyfriend who was in Afghanistan was KIA.  If there is anything I need to do please let me know.
Thanks,
Chrissy

It was only a matter of time before the news stations caught wind.  Knocking on the door, calling my cell phone, driving around town looking for answers.  Go away.  They want me to admit this is real already?  I don’t think so.  I don’t even know what’s going on to be honest.  The bottomless, nauseous, pit in my stomach is over whelming.  I logged on to facebook.  A chat box popped up.  It was one of Josh’s good friends who was serving in Afghanistan.  His brother had died the year before.  As comforting as it was to talk to him for a few minutes I remember thinking how bad I felt for him when it happened.  Now its me?  Now I understand what it was like for him?  Not to be a jerk, but it was better when it was someone else.  I didn’t want it to be me.  We had a life planned.  We were supposed to get married.  We were supposed to have a family.  This deployment was the last of the Marine Corps.  Why?!  Why me?!  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.  I don’t want it to happen this way.

That’s it.

I’m going back to sleep.  I slammed my laptop shut.  I grabbed my fuzzy blanket and my care bear, who has never let me down my whole entire life.  I laid my head down on the pillow.  I remember feeling the throbbing and discomfort from the amount of tears I had cried that morning.  I closed my eyes.  I waited.  I cracked open an eye.  It was still happening.  I closed my eyes again.  Go to sleep, Chrissy.  Just go to sleep.  You’ll wake up and everything will be okay.

Before I knew it someone else was barging through the door.  I heard them talking to my aunt in the kitchen.  She came over and bent over by the couch.  I had to go to Josh’s parents.  The CACO (Casualty Assistance Officer) was going to be there shortly.  I argued about getting a shower.  I lost that battle as my aunt shoved me up the stairs.  I kept thinking really? Who gives a crap if I take a freakin shower right now?  Not me.  BUT I did it anyways to shut everybody up. 

I started getting myself together as I heard two of my friends at the door.  I talked to them for a few minutes but everyone was rushing me to get over there.  FINE.  You people need to relax I’ll get there when I get there.  I’m not the most prompt person when my whole life comes tumbling down.  I quietly got into the car.  I remember driving over and I swear every song that ever meant something came on the radio.  The tears strolled down my face as I passed through the roads I only ever took to see him.  I clung to the little stuffed pig in my lap.  It was his pig from when he had surgery as a tiny tot.  Mr. Piggy don’t fail me now.  Please make it better.  Right you psycho like a stuffed pig is going to fix your life right now.  Wishful thinking.

We pulled in. 

His uncle was the first to meet me wrapping his arms around me, calling me “bud” just like he always did.  Then his mom.  She grabbed me and I cried.  I watched the black explorer with US Government on the license plate pulled into the driveway.  Two men in their Alphas.  They shut the car doors and walked toward the house.  His mom put her arm around me and walked me inside.  I sat down in a chair closest to the two Marines clinging to the pig in my lap.  I looked around.. his parents, two brothers, sister, and one uncle sat quietly in the room.  The Staff Sergeant opened his black folder and started to talk.  It was real.  My body went into a fog.. setting itself on auto pilot.. and I was about to start the hardest and worst journey of my life..

Caring

I stopped.  I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I was looking at some pictures from this weekend and I am so disgusted with myself.  I was going to make this year about me.  Doing things that made me happy again.  But all I have done is let myself fall further and further into this hole because I just don't give a crap about anything.

For the longest time I always wondered how people let themselves get so over weight.  Well, now I know.  It's because you don't care about what anything does to you so you just continue to do it now matter how bad it is for you.  I have put on over 20 pounds since September.  It's disgusting.  I look disgusting.  I just keep thinking how disappointed you would be with me right now.  If you were around you would be kicking my ass for acting like this.

I have no desire to do anything anymore.  Seriously, it's sick.  Sure I'll get up and go out and go to school and go to work.  But really, all I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing; which I do a lot of times because I don't' care to do anything.  It's awful.  I don't even know how you find it in yourself again to find that purpose or desire in life.  It's just.. gone.

Last night I had a legit meltdown when I started thinking about all of this.  You would kill me.  I think what hurts the most is knowing how disappointed you would be with me because of how I'm acting.  You never wanted me to act like this ever and especially not on your account.  And I hate that when something comes up about my weight or something else that I stopped giving a crap about people will say "hey, at least you have a good excuse."  A good excuse?  I shouldn't be using that as some lame excuse to let myself go.

I better find a way to start caring again and fast.  This is ridiculous and it's not me.  Ugh!