Just being me

Today is honestly the  best day I've had probably since this has happened.  I'm really not even sure why, but I actually feel kinda happy today.  That's a big deal for me people!

First of all it is absolutely beautiful outside.  The sun is shining bright, the white puffy clouds with a blue sky, and the smell of spring is everywhere.  I love spring.  I feel like after this fall/winter that I had it truly represents a "new" life or a "rebirth."  Weird, I know.  But it's true.

Second (and this is going to sound ridiculously nerdy): I got a perfect on my memoir!  I was so nervous because I wasn't sure that I really got my point across.  Probably because anytime I talked about it or read it I totally disconnected myself from it so I could hold it together.  It made me so happy that every time someone read it they thought it was good. I'm proud of myself, too.  For being able to write that.  It was so incredibly difficult for me.  I never knew how powerful my writing could be.

Which brings me to my third and final point.  You, my readers (and Joshua you included), have really warmed my heart lately with your kind comments.  I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that what I am writing helps other people and is inspiring.  Honestly, I never thought in a million years (sometimes I really still don't) that I could make an impact on people just for writing about what I'm going through.  I never imagined that I could make that type of impression on my readers.  I love it though.. so much.  I love writing and I love this blog.  A few people have brought up the idea of writing a book with what I have already done in this blog and my memoir.  You know what?  I just might.  It will probably take me a long time, but I love sharing my story.  I want people to know us and I want to be able to help other people that are going through this same tragedy.  Who knows.. maybe there really is some blessing in disguise.

For the first time the other night I went back to older posts.  I hadn't done that yet because I thought it would trigger some emotions, but it didn't too much.  I was sharing some of the stuff on here with someone and I realized something.  Even though it doesn't always feel like it, I have come so far.  When I read posts from the first month there was so much more of that "fog" and pain.  I was angry and hurting.  A hot freakin mess (which is to be expected).  But when you are going through something so tragic you don't see the progress that you really are making each and every day.  I'm glad that I decided to write about it from the beginning.  I wrote my first post three days after I got the terrible news and where I was then compared to where I am now is two completely different people.

I'm slowly, but surely, learning to find myself again.  Just being me.  I will never ever ever forget him.  Josh will be in my heart along with all of those memories until the day I die.  I will always miss him and wish that things were different, but I am learning to live without him there in the physical sense.  Honestly, if he can see me, I think he would be really proud of me.  I really do.  For the first time in my life I am taking control of me and doing whatever it takes to make me happy.   I tried so hard for so long to "fill the void."  Now that I've stopped and focused on myself, I'm learning to be happy again and I love every second of it.

I was lucky to find love and when you find one like that.. you never lose it.  It stays with you forever.  Sure, I  will love again.  He would want me to.  No matter what I won't stop loving him.  He will love me back just as much even from far away.  They always say, "distance makes the heart grow fonder."  It's just a distance and this won't last forever.  Just our temporary home.

Living life is the hard part.  Dying is easy.  If I learned something it's that we're all fighters and we have to find a way to get through this life no matter what is thrown at us.  Reality is: no one has it easy.  And no matter how bad things may seem, it could always be worse.  I have had quite a life, but I am so lucky.  I have a family, friends, a job, an education, a career that I love, and so much more.  I may be missing a huge piece of my life, but I am determined.  This isn't going to shut me down.  I won't let it happen and neither will Josh.  He loved me more than anything else in this world and he wanted me to be happy.   I'm not going to waste it.  Life is short friends so don't waste a second.

Lots of love <3