Tuesday, April 26, 2011

An overwhelming pain

Sometimes the hurt of this mess is unbearable.  I thought about it a lot the past few days and it is just tearing me apart.  Friday was two years since this:

I knew it was going to be a bad day.  And wouldn't you know it nothing went right from the time I woke up.  it's hard when a day rolls around that was so amazing ends up flat out sucking a couple years later.  I thought about it all day long.  I remember that day.  We got up at 2 am to make the drive to North Carolina.  I was sick the entire 10 hour drive because I was so nervous to see you.  Really, 7 months is a long time.  I couldn't even believe that day had finally arrived.  I remember a friend, Becky, called me and I just remember "you did it sweetie!"  We had made it.  One deployment down and for the time being we were in the clear.  I knew another one was coming, but it wasn't relevant at the time.

Those days are harsh and painful reminders now.  I've been in this funk ever since.  I invited some friends over Friday night to keep me occupied and I have since engaged in some serious retail therapy.  It never really fixes it though.  It's a temporary fix.. I think that's a good way to describe it.  

I was talking to someone today about my "bad days" and how they aren't as frequent.  But then I started talking about after it happened.  How I don't really remember much.  My body set into the fog on auto pilot.  Literally: survival mode.  I look back on that first month or so and I have no idea how I made it.  Not one clue.  A year from now I'll probably be saying the same thing about now.  I really don't know how I do it.  

It hurts so bad.  I was talking to your Mom the other day and she told me she had a dream about us.  She said we were laying on the couch (which we did 90% of the time watching movies) and you wanted me to know you proud you were of me.  Little reminders like that are so bittersweet.  I love hearing it, but then the pain sets in because I want to hear it from you.  I want you back in my life so bad and I can't.  

I talked to your Mom for a few minutes after that and she told me how she would look at us and just think what our kids would look like.  Everyone always said that we would have the cutest kids because we were both darker complected with brown hair and eyes.  Everyone always thought we would be together. 

Grrrr. Right about now is the time that I get angry.  I'm so mad that everything that was supposed to be got taken away from me.  it's not fair.  I thought a lot today about all of the things we had plan.  I clearly can't do any of that anymore.  Nor do I want to because you aren't here.  Not fair.  Not one little bit.  

You know what else drives me insane these days?  People who are so miserable that they are complete bitches to everyone else.  I really want to be like, "listen, you're life is not that bad. I'm sorry your a miserable beotch, but stop taking it out on everyone else.  And how bout you try being thankful for what you have instead of complaining about every little thing."  My life isn't exactly grand right now either, but I can't say that I am totally miserable either.  I don't even play that card most of the time because I don't want to use it as an excuse.  Honestly, people bring it on themselves.

It could always be worse.  I remember thinking when this deployment first started it couldn't be any worse and complaining about it.  Ha!  Little did I know how bad it could really be.  Even though I would have preferred a different method I learned from it.

If you haven't noticed, I'm obviously bitter today.  There are just some days when the need to have my life back to the way it was.  Realistically I know that I can't.  It doesn't stop the desire though.  I just keep telling myself it has to get better sometime. 

Just keep swimming..


  1. I'd like to think, and if my memory serves correctly that the Becky you talked to was me! You continue to amaze me each and every day. I am so proud of you who have become over the past year and where you will continue to go. I cannot imagine how big Josh's smile is watching down on you. Eventually I will meet you, trust me!

  2. Chin up sweetie.. Your post made me tear up. You are so strong.


  3. Just started reading. thanks for sharing. I find writing is good for my soul. and your writing is certainly good for my soul too. Not that I would EVER want any one to experience ANY of the same pain that we do... but there is a tad bit of comfort in knowing you aren't alone. hugs. yes, just keep swimming... Dori said so ;)

  4. "listen, you're life is not that bad. I'm sorry your a miserable beotch, but stop taking it out on everyone else. And how bout you try being thankful for what you have instead of complaining about every little thing."

    Can I reference that?! lol. Watching you walk this road as you have the past months has taught me something new each and every time. To be thankful, catalog, and cherish every duty and day or week long training humps because it could be worse. My door could be next. My family could be next.
    I wouldn't be quite so eloquent or collected in the situations you've been placed in nor could I have been so graceful. I still remember the day everyone came to the parlor to say good bye. You stood and smiled at him secretly and shook hand after hand and all the while the only outward sign of heartbreak anyone saw was your eyes. I will take that day with me the rest of my life and every time I think things suck and I'm tired and I was to complain I think about a hauntingly beautiful girl whose love story didn't get its end at all and I buck up. If I can bear my life with half as much grace and strength as you then I will be doing something right. Beautiful as always

  5. Hi Chrissy,
    My name is Karla and I stumbled across your blog as I was "blog surfing". Your recent post brought tears to my eyes. 2 years ago a young Canadian Solider was killed while away serving for Canada, and I actually went to school with him. Going through that loss (and we werent even close) was very hard, and reading your blog makes me so thankful for soldiers like your special man. He was willing to go and protect his country and others. Be blessed, and I pray that as time goes on the wounds of your loss get easier. Blessings to you! Thank you for your post.