An overwhelming pain

Sometimes the hurt of this mess is unbearable.  I thought about it a lot the past few days and it is just tearing me apart.  Friday was two years since this:

 

Homecoming.

I knew it was going to be a bad day.  And wouldn't you know it nothing went right from the time I woke up.  it's hard when a day rolls around that was so amazing ends up flat out sucking a couple years later.  I thought about it all day long.  I remember that day.  We got up at 2 am to make the drive to North Carolina.  I was sick the entire 10 hour drive because I was so nervous to see you.  Really, 7 months is a long time.  I couldn't even believe that day had finally arrived.  I remember a friend, Becky, called me and I just remember "you did it sweetie!"  We had made it.  One deployment down and for the time being we were in the clear.  I knew another one was coming, but it wasn't relevant at the time.

Those days are harsh and painful reminders now.  I've been in this funk ever since.  I invited some friends over Friday night to keep me occupied and I have since engaged in some serious retail therapy.  It never really fixes it though.  It's a temporary fix.. I think that's a good way to describe it.  

I was talking to someone today about my "bad days" and how they aren't as frequent.  But then I started talking about after it happened.  How I don't really remember much.  My body set into the fog on auto pilot.  Literally: survival mode.  I look back on that first month or so and I have no idea how I made it.  Not one clue.  A year from now I'll probably be saying the same thing about now.  I really don't know how I do it.  

It hurts so bad.  I was talking to your Mom the other day and she told me she had a dream about us.  She said we were laying on the couch (which we did 90% of the time watching movies) and you wanted me to know you proud you were of me.  Little reminders like that are so bittersweet.  I love hearing it, but then the pain sets in because I want to hear it from you.  I want you back in my life so bad and I can't.  

I talked to your Mom for a few minutes after that and she told me how she would look at us and just think what our kids would look like.  Everyone always said that we would have the cutest kids because we were both darker complected with brown hair and eyes.  Everyone always thought we would be together. 

Grrrr. Right about now is the time that I get angry.  I'm so mad that everything that was supposed to be got taken away from me.  it's not fair.  I thought a lot today about all of the things we had plan.  I clearly can't do any of that anymore.  Nor do I want to because you aren't here.  Not fair.  Not one little bit.  

You know what else drives me insane these days?  People who are so miserable that they are complete bitches to everyone else.  I really want to be like, "listen, you're life is not that bad. I'm sorry your a miserable beotch, but stop taking it out on everyone else.  And how bout you try being thankful for what you have instead of complaining about every little thing."  My life isn't exactly grand right now either, but I can't say that I am totally miserable either.  I don't even play that card most of the time because I don't want to use it as an excuse.  Honestly, people bring it on themselves.

It could always be worse.  I remember thinking when this deployment first started it couldn't be any worse and complaining about it.  Ha!  Little did I know how bad it could really be.  Even though I would have preferred a different method I learned from it.

If you haven't noticed, I'm obviously bitter today.  There are just some days when the need to have my life back to the way it was.  Realistically I know that I can't.  It doesn't stop the desire though.  I just keep telling myself it has to get better sometime. 

Just keep swimming..