Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Nights in the Backwoods

Hello blogging world! I haven't forgotten about you, but for some reasons professors think it's cool to give you tons of work to do in the last 4 weeks of the semester.  Not to mention I picked up extra hours at work so I have time for nothing.

Anyways, I spent some time out and about this weekend.  Anyone who lives around here knows when you're underage and bored you're probably hitting up some back roads on the weekends.  I was out this weekend and no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing I don't stop thinking about you.  I went back by Allen Bridge and the last time I was there was with you.  Really the only time I ever went to any of these places was with you.  It just makes my heart sink into my stomach to think of all the things we used to do together.

Lately I have had such a longing.  A longing to get my life back.  I was happy with the way things were (not that I realized how happy I really was at the time).  I took entirely too much for granted and I regret that more than anyone knows now.  I feel like it's been so long since I've touched you and talked to you.  All I want is to have that back. 

You know- I get a lot of hugs these days, but it isn't the same.  I remember hugging you or just laying on the couch in your arms and I always felt safe.  I felt like no one in the world could hurt me and it was like I belonged there.  I hate hate hate not having that anymore.  I want it back.  And really who is to say I'll ever find that again?

People tell me over and over again how lucky I was to know that kind of love.  They're right: I'm extremely lucky that I had you in my life for 5 years.  But what if I don't find that again?  Am I just going to "settle" because it doesn't happen twice in one lifetime?  Not that I want to just move on with it and forget it all but it would be kinda nice to take some steps in the right direction and at least feel like someone cared about me that way again. 

I know it won't happen overnight and maybe not even in the next few years.  It's just a constant longing to have that figure back in my life.  Right now I'm focused on me and what makes me happy.  Eventually though I don't want to have to do it alone.  It was a lot easier for me when you were by my side no matter what.  It's a hard adjustment learning to do it yourself again.. No fun. 

On an exciting note... I'm going to Las Vegas!!! Scary thought, babe.  Don't worry I'll be extra safe.  I mean come on how many opportunities do you get to spend your 21st birthday in Vegas?  That would be 1, if any.  I'm super excited.  I think it will be good for me and not to sound like a brat, but I kinda think I deserve to have a good birthday after everything I have been through in the last 7 months.  Besides that, the bars in Indiana aren't going anywhere and they will all still be here when I get back.  No big deal people.  Besides, my decision. My birthday.  It'll be fun.  Don't get too jealous, Joshua, you can always come with :)


  1. Have you ever read the Walt Whitman poem, "Continuities" ? its the one from the notebook. your post reminded me of it. Keep truckin girl... and I'm sure your Marine will be right there with you in Vegas.

  2. Hey, it's Alison, Ryan's sister. I just caught up on reading your blog. I had not looked at it since Ryan's funeral. I am sure doing this has helped you process through some of your grief, but I wanted you to know it helps others too. I can relate to a lot of your experiences... especially the bad nights. I also think it feels like it has been an eternity, but it has only been a little over 3 months since Ryan was killed.

    Don't let people tell you to "get over it". You take as long as you need to grieve. We are never going to get over it. We will just learn to live without them.

    You are always in my thought and prayers.

    Alison Leopard