Sunday, April 3, 2011

Caring

I stopped.  I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I was looking at some pictures from this weekend and I am so disgusted with myself.  I was going to make this year about me.  Doing things that made me happy again.  But all I have done is let myself fall further and further into this hole because I just don't give a crap about anything.

For the longest time I always wondered how people let themselves get so over weight.  Well, now I know.  It's because you don't care about what anything does to you so you just continue to do it now matter how bad it is for you.  I have put on over 20 pounds since September.  It's disgusting.  I look disgusting.  I just keep thinking how disappointed you would be with me right now.  If you were around you would be kicking my ass for acting like this.

I have no desire to do anything anymore.  Seriously, it's sick.  Sure I'll get up and go out and go to school and go to work.  But really, all I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing; which I do a lot of times because I don't' care to do anything.  It's awful.  I don't even know how you find it in yourself again to find that purpose or desire in life.  It's just.. gone.

Last night I had a legit meltdown when I started thinking about all of this.  You would kill me.  I think what hurts the most is knowing how disappointed you would be with me because of how I'm acting.  You never wanted me to act like this ever and especially not on your account.  And I hate that when something comes up about my weight or something else that I stopped giving a crap about people will say "hey, at least you have a good excuse."  A good excuse?  I shouldn't be using that as some lame excuse to let myself go.

I better find a way to start caring again and fast.  This is ridiculous and it's not me.  Ugh!

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I think he would love and understand. What you're going through is a very deep process of grieving. The eating, the weight gain --all signs of going inward, trying to block the pain. But I think you will gradually find your footing. Life will once again be more than just "getting through." It will be living, and always holding him in your heart. Big hugs, K

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