Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Letting Go: The Unexpected

Note to self: don't rely on technology for anything.

For as long as I can remember I have saved things on my cell phone.  I had the entire last text conversation we had locked on my phone along with a few other messages that I would read from time to time.  Lately my phone has been acting up, but I didn't think much about it because the texts were locked.

Well, today I was at work and my phone wouldn't do a thing.  I took the battery out and turned it back on.. nothing.  So it finally restarted itself.  I went to text someone back and noticed that all of my text messages had been wiped out.  Gone.  I frantically kept turning my phone off and on hoping that they would reappear.  Nope.

I ran out into the hallway and started sobbing.  Every ounce of make up I had on was running off of my face as I text one of my friends in our office to come outside.  She came and sat with me and I could not stop crying.  I wasn't ready for those to be gone yet.  Is that a sign or something to let it go?  And wouldn't you know it, I chucked my phone at the wall and the bastard didn't break!  Really?!  It's those things that you are unprepared for and it hits you like a train.

I couldn't even focus the rest of the day.  Every time someone asked me what was wrong I started crying all over again.  I hate the days like that.  It's awful.  There's nothing you can do about it, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Reading those texts were just little reminders when I needed them.

As I sat sobbing in the hallway I frantically dialed my voice mail to check and see if they were still there.  Over and over I heard, "hey baby."  My heart just sank.  I miss that so much.  I was watching the few videos I had of you on that stupid little bike and all I said was "are you done" and you shot me that dumb little look you always gave me when you were mocking me.  Jerk.

Point is: days like today tear me apart.  I almost left class early because I didn't have any ounce of focus.  I went tanning and to dinner with Emily so I felt a little better.  It's just so hard to keep telling yourself "Chrissy, it's okay.  Not a big deal."  Because really it feels like a huge deal.  Not to mention 10 minutes earlier I was busy being excited with one of my closest friends who literally just got accepted into grad school (we were holding hands while she called btw).  It just sucked and it caught me off guard.

I'm sure tonight will be real fun.  Never fails.  And you know, today did start off to be a pretty good day other than feeling like a zombie.  I wish people knew how easy it was to get thrown into a hysterical mess.  All it takes is one little thing and sometimes it happens so fast you don't have anytime to prevent it from happening.  I hate when I know that I have no control over it.  Maybe eventually I will; just not right now. 

Up and down. Highs and lows.  Story of my freakin life.  You know, this shit gets old sometimes.


  1. It really is a big deal. I think you are allowed to have freak outs and crying sessions and angry days whenever you want to. Big hugs girl. We are thinking about you. For the record though, I would've thrown the stupid thing too. .Stupid technology

  2. It might be a long shot, but you could try calling your cell company to see if they would give you a copy. As far as I know they keep all of that forever and ever and I would guess they would have those texts if you can remember the day; which I'm just going to assume you can given the significance. I'm sorry that they aren't there anymore.

  3. I second what Jessa said. They have it somewhere. They have to! I'd explain and if they won't give it to you, they're heartless!

  4. I just came across your blog and I am thinking of you and praying for you. Everyone is there for you if you ever need to rant or just flat out cry..

  5. wow. That's all I can manage to say after finding your blog and reading it pretty much back to the beginning. I am a new AF wife and these fears weasel their way into my head every single day. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't and I pray every day I never have to. But know that you are loved, respected, and prayed for, even by people out here you don't even know. And as cliche as it sounds, you will get stronger every day. Keep those memories alive. And heal at your own pace. Stay strong, girl. We're all here for you.

  6. Ah! Girl, I'm also a new widow and my phone did the same thing. It's horrible to discover those things are gone. Even when you don't read the texts or listen to the voicemails all the time, it's nice to have that option. Then when they end up deleted before you're ready it's a crazy feeling of loss and desperation all over again. Sorry this happened to you. It makes for a terrible day.

  7. Chrissy,

    This happened to me a week ago. Please message me back. I don't know how to go on.

    Marianty (