Monday, April 18, 2011

Blunt Reminder

Last night I had some legit flashbacks of how much I hated telling you goodbye or "see you later."  I hated every second when it came to being the end of leave and you had to go back.  I cried every single time.  It was inevitable that I would.  I didn't like doing that to you, but it was so hard not to.

I was reminded of all the late nights in your driveway.  Just standing there holding on for dear life and not wanting to let go.  I was always the last one to see you.  I watched the pain in your eyes over and over again as you left home each time.  I remember the last time you left home.  I went with you, but to watch you hurt so much killed me inside.  As we got in the car to head to North Carolina I remember just grabbing your hand and not even knowing what to say to you anymore.

I was so over it.  That's the one thing about being separated because of the military.  The constant need to say goodbye.  After 3 years of it, I had enough.  I wanted so badly for it to just go away.  To just go with you.  To not see you hurt as you left the place you loved.

Sometimes I couldn't even focus on being with you because I knew what was coming.  It was the "4 more days or few more  hours."  Blah blah blah.  Constant countdown.  I waited soooo long for you to come home then it always seemed to be over in the blink of an eye.  96 hours here, 10 days there, 72 hours, 12 days. Gah! It's kinda like my "9 months since I've seen you."  I hate numbers.  Seriously (go ahead say it, jerk :p).

Honestly, I think that was always the worst part.  It wasn't the 3 months of boot camp, the 7 months of deployments, or the time you were in North Carolina.  It was telling you bye every single time.  It gets old and the hurt gets worse.

I just want you back.  As we get closer to the EAS date it makes me so angry.  Angry that it ended this way.  We made it over 3 years through all the bull crap for it to end like this.  All I ever wanted was to get through those 4 years so we could start our lives. The tons of tearful goodbyes, the distance, the hurt, the constant struggle, the deployments.  All of it.  We got through all of it jut like we said we would, but it ended differently.  It didn't end July 1, 2011.  It ended way too soon and not how I ever pictured it to be.  I always thought if we could just get through it, it would be okay.  Knowing that it didn't makes me want to punch people and break things.  It's not fair.

I watch everyone else get their homecoming and their EAS and their happily ever after.  Why didn't I get mine?  I did everything that they did. Hell, there are people cheating and whatever else on their husbands and they STILL get theirs.  Why did mine get taken away?  It's not fair.   

Stupid flashbacks.

3 comments:

  1. Chrissy,

    My name is Kelsey and I am a student at University of North Carolina Wilmington. I would love to interview you for a journalism piece on the American Widow Project. If you are interested please email me at kmn5221@uncw.edu. You are so strong and I would love the world to know!

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  2. love this chrissy. congrats also on the interview offer! you'll do great! :)

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  3. Chrissy,
    I have been following your blog, as it is so close to home for me. I found this quote on another website and thought immediatly of you.

    ~Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. ~Anonymous

    from (http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org)

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