Written in the Stars

So I have been thinking a lot lately about things.  I went on AWP this morning and started reading some more stories about others experiences after a loss.  Each one is different, but I went there for a reason.  It dawned on me that in about 2.5 months I'll hit one year.  One whole year.  That seems like such a long time.

After the first year you've made it through all the "firsts."  Passing the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days.  The bumpy road where you are struggling just to survive.  Right now that is still the hardest part.  Surviving each day and learning how to live again.

Sometimes when I feel like I'm living my life again I stop and think about it.  Thinking about if it's okay to take steps forward.  What would he want me to do?  I obviously had a very bad night on Tuesday as most of you probably read here.  I went out to the boat docks at Yellow Creek with someone close to me.  It's quiet there (minus the frogs and fish jumping out of the water).  Just water and trees.  I'll sit there looking up at the moon and the stars wondering if he's watching me.  Thinking about my life right now.  Where to go.. what to do.  Thinking of things from the past.

Of course I ended up bursting into tears.  It's so frustrating sometimes when you think about it all.  Sure, I had someone with me.  But I can never find all the words that I need to say what I'm thinking or how I feel.  Pretty sure they think I'm crazy sometimes because what I'm saying makes no sense.  Sometimes I just need to cry about it and have someone listen without saying anything.  Not gonna lie.. a lot of times I don't like the responses I get because I feel like most people don't understand.  It's not their fault.  I'm just bitchy sometimes.  Josh would tell you that.

It always happens out of nowhere too.  Often people assume they said the wrong thing to me that made me cry, but that's not it at all.  It just happens.  The people who are closest to me know when it's coming.  My face blanks out and I just stare at something. 

You never realize how much of a struggle it can be just to get by.  I don't want to keep moving forward because I feel like as the days pass I'm getting further away from him.  On the other hand, I want time to pick up the pace so that my life will hopefully piece itself back together.

When is it okay to be with someone else?  When is it okay to be "better?"  When is it okay to finally feel a little bit of peace?

I don't know.  Right now I'm still not okay with any of it.  I'm still hurting and I know that.  At the same time I know I can't do this to myself forever.  Eventually I'm going to have to move forward whether I want to or not.  If I am the 1 in a million people that gets struck by lightning you'll know exactly what I did.

When things happen in my life I often wonder if he has something to do with it.  I always wonder what he thinks about it or if he would be mad at me.  Approaching the second year I wonder what it's going to bring.  Is it easier?  Maybe.  Part of me thinks it could be harder.  I guess we'll find out soon enough.  I'll survive it.  That's what I do know.  Even though there are days when it feels virtually impossible to get through one more day  I know I will.

Right now I'm content with my life.  I'm still hurting and I'm still having breakdowns.  I'm still angry and I still ask why.  But I have to keep pushing.  I have what I need at the moment to get me through.  If I fall down there is someone to pick me right back up and do whatever I need to make it better.

Well.

It's been quite a week, Joshua.  I've been crying..


every.

single.

day.


Yup.  That's a whole bunch of fun.  I don't know what has gotten into me but it's been bad.  I don't like it.  I just miss you so much.  I don't really like where my life is right now and I don't like what I have coming my way.   It gets really hard and staying in bed seems like the better option. 

It just sucks that the one person who was always there for me no matter what got taken away from me.  It's not fair.  My egg donor made a scene at my brothers graduation tonight and it just set me off.  I remember all the times I ran to you and you fixed every little problem.  Now you can't fix it.  It makes me sick that after everything she has done she can post a sob story on her wall and people ACTUALLY feel bad for her.   You wanna know the truth?  She was cheating on my Dad.  Walked out on us when I was 11 and Michael was 9.  On Christmas day.  Tried taking everyone close to us away with her crazy games.  And tonight.  She had the nerve to call me a f***in b*tch and tell me I'm an alcoholic because I went to Las Vegas.  Oh, but she left those details out in her sob story.  She didn't tell anyone she beat the crap out of us.  Nope.  Left all of those minor details out.

She forgets I'm living with her parents.  Working two jobs.  Going to school full time.  Coaching a majorette squad.  No big deal evidently.

It's so frustrating when I know that you would never ever let anyone talk to me or treat me like that.  Ever.  You always stood up for me no matter what.  Whatever though she isn't even worth talking about.  I just feel for my brother that she had to make a scene on a day like that. 

While I was up at the Manor tonight I was thinking about all of the time we spent there.  Walking through the halls.. sitting in the lunchroom (you hitting me with a bottle cap).  Just everything that happened there.  Or your graduation when you of course acted like a goofball after you got your diploma.  I'm sure everyone expected you to do something of that nature though.  You always did.  Besides it wouldn't be you if you didn't have people laughing. 

I miss that smile.  I miss everything about you and if I could just have it back I would give anything.  This isn't any fun without you.  I still can't picture my life and what is in store for me.  I wish I knew.  I feel like I can't move forward because I'm not ready to let go of the past.  I don't want to let go.  At the same time I know that I can't hold on to something that isn't real anymore.  This is all just really unfair and I'm over it.

Happy

According to my handy dandy dashboard dictionary.. happy is feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. <----- That.. isn't me.

Let me first apologize for my absence.  Between school and work AND my trip the the fabulous las vegas I haven't been around much.  Vegas was amazing!  I was so glad to go away for my birthday.  Me and Josh talked about this birthday for a long time and the last place I wanted to celebrate it was at home.  Everyone needs to go out there at least once in their lifetime.  There is so much to see and I can't wait to go back.  Besides.. that was part of my bucket list.  He always wanted to go to there and didn't get the chance so I went for him. 

Back on track.

It bugs me when people tell me I'm happy.  No.  You are very wrong.  I look at my life a year ago and then I was genuinely happy.  My life was falling into place and I was surrounded by an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends.  At the time things couldn't have been any better.  I look at pictures from then and you could see it in my smile.. it was in my eyes.  I lost the meaning of the word after September 2nd.  For months I went to school, went to work, and went to bed.  That was it.  Literally.

I can't say that I haven't gotten better because that would be a lie.  I've had some amazing people come into my life to help me through it and I can't ever thank them enough for that.  They have definitely lifted me up and helped me to get through it.  It is still just so hard.  I find myself at random hours of the day or driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.  That longing to have my old life back.  Thinking about how happy I was.  Thinking about what I should be doing right now. I still have to tell myself he's gone.  That he's not coming back.  Sometimes I still don't want to think that it's real.

July is going to be a bad bad month for me.  It just dawned on me the other night that July 15th will be the last day that I saw him.  July 1st should have been our EAS date.  The thought of a whole year passing by since I touched him and he was standing right in front of me tears me apart.  Hitting the 9 month mark on Thursday was awful.  Sometimes the further I get from that day it feels like the more it hurts because it's longer since I've seen or talked to him.  Sure it means getting better but you still think about what was left behind.

I had another one of my fantabulous mental breakdowns last night when I was with someone.  Seriously one I start there is no stopping.  I really don't even know how it is humanly possible for someone to cry like that sometimes.  It was the same things that get me every other time.  And the looming fact that I just don't want to let go.  I don't know that I ever have to.  Right now I don't want to at all.  I have so many people tell me he lives in my heart and to be happy about that.  I'm not.  For some reason remembering him like that just is sufficient when I feel like he should still be standing in front of me.  His life was cut entirely too short. 

I've been going out and I often engage in conversations with people about him and I can't help but to smile.  Just to remember how loving, caring, and funny he was.  I don't think we've ever talked about a story without laughing at something he did.  It's comforting that I can do that now.  To smile when I think about him.  It just never takes away that pain.  I'll gaze down at the black bracelet on my wrist, the silver one on my other, or grab the necklace around my neck and think for a minute.  Just to remember and hold on to the little things I have left.

It's been a rocky road the past few days and I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I still have those days where I have to force myself to life.  Fighting just to get through the day.  It's hard.  I never in a million years would have thought this is what it would be like.  I hate falling into this slumps where just living is challenging enough in a day.  I really wish more people understood that.  I try to do what he would want me to it just doesn't always work that way and it's not so easy.  Hopefully what's ahead will come and go and I'll make it through just like everything else. 

One Step Forward, Ten Steps back

Story of my life.  Any time I ever think that I can start to move forward in life I am quickly reminded that I'm not ready too. 

I'm so anxious for my life to be back in order.  For everything to be okay.  To be happy again.  Who doesn't want that?  Everyone does, but when something like this happens it's often hard to find.  Yesterday was another one of those days.  A day when I thought I could slide by it all.  Oh, no.  I was so very wrong.

All it did was make me angry.  Hurt all over again.  I HATE that this is where my life is right now and that I still have to fix it.  Reality is that I don't want to fix it.  What I want is for it to go back to the way it was.  i don't like where I am and what I have to do.  Not one little bit.  

Congratulations, Chrissy.  Way to throw yourself into one hell of a funk.  I'm just so done with this and days like today i don't want to do it anymore.  I want to go back to my bed and sleep forever.  You can't hurt when you're asleep.

This could very well sound terrible of me... but seeing everyone else living their happy post-deployment lives is like a knife in my stomach.  Why isn't that us?  Why don't we get to do all of the things that was planned too? 

It'll be a year since I've seen you on July 15th.  That feels like forever ago.  When everyone was prepping for this deployment.  Wanting to get it over with so we could all happily move on with our lives.  We might have been slightly naive at the time or rather neglecting the fact that we knew people wouldn't be coming home. 

I never wanted it to be me.  I still don't want it to be me.  I still wish sometimes that this is all just some mistake and that things will go back to the way they were.  Honestly, if the world did end Saturday, I probably wouldn't have been that mad about it.

You can only put a band-aid over the wound so many times.  It doesn't always work and now is one of those times.  I don't know what I'm doing these days, but I really need to get it together.  I'm a mess and it's awful.  I really don't even know how to fix it right now.  I don't even know where to start. 

Part of me thinks I just need to back away from everything and get some me time.  There is too much going on and I can't handle it.  This past week has been one for the books.  It's been while since I've cried this much and I really didn't miss it.

For now I just want to be a big baby about it.  I feel entitled to that.  I'll get back on my happy horse eventually and my front will be back in full swing.  Just not now.

I did it.

I started writing our story.  Things have been kinda crappy lately and it's therapeutic for me.  I started back at day one.. the summer we met.  It's crazy to think that summer was six whole years ago.  Where has the time gone?  I will never forget that summer.  So much happened and it was so much fun.  Having the chance to tell our story, whether it goes out into the world or not, makes me feel better knowing that I at least tried.

I've said it time and time again that I want people to know.  It's like a new found mission in life.  And that is one thing I DO know.  I like knowing that so I don't feel totally lost.  Sometimes the writing is painful, but other days it makes me happy.  To remember how good we had it and what that kind of love felt like. 

It's probably going to take a long time.  Depending on how I feel and what I remember.  I need to do it though.  Do it for myself.  Who knows, maybe it could help someone else.  Maybe I'll be the next Nicholas Sparks :p

Just Keep Swimming...

Well hello there downs.. I never miss you.

As usual my lows are back in action.  It's so tempting to fall back into that slump.  The go to school, go to work, and go to bed.  Sometimes I think it was easier that way to just avoid the world.  I don't know.  Every once in a while it seems as though the things going on in my life just keep getting more and more complicated by the minute.  I hate it.

There are times when I can't, or won't, let myself be happy.  The guilt will just eat you alive.  The why am I still here?  How can I be happy when something so terrible happened in my life?  When something goes wrong I instantly take 10 steps back.  "If Josh was still here this wouldn't be happening to me."  That. Kills. Me.  Wanting my old life back so bad that it physically hurts.

Sometimes, I don't want to fight anymore.  I just want to give up.  I hate not knowing who I am or what I want in life.  People will ask me something and I say "I don't know" a million times and they think I'm crazy.  The OCD planner over here HATES not knowing, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I don't know who I am.


I don't know what I want.


I don't know what is going to happen.


I don't know what the plan is.


I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.

Get the point?

This life is draining and it's days like yesterday and today when I'm just flat out sick of it.  Hating every second of what has happened to me.  It's not fair.  I wouldn't want other people to go through this, but there are most definitely days when I do wish it was someone else.  What I did to deserve this is beyond me. 

What I do know is I have two choices:
1. Stop Living
2. Fight it

I know what I have to do.. I just don't always want to.  For now I feel like being a big baby about it and I don't even care.  I feel like I'm entitled to act like that every once in a while.  I need to get away.  I'm in dire need of some Chrissy time so I can get my shit together.  I have way too much going on and I really need to take a step back.  I may be too far in for that.  Regardless I need to put a lot more focus on me or this is going to keep happening.

Time machine anyone...?

I need to get it together asap.  Good description right now: hot mess.  Seriously.  It's ridiculous.  I'm really thinking this trip to Vegas is going to be good for me.  I need out of this town and away from everything that has happened.  Maybe it'll help.  If it doesn't I'm going to be pissed.

Dory's motivational words: Just keep swimming. 

I'll be okay.  I just need to get myself back on track.

Contradicting Opinions

If there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane about living this life is sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant lose:lose situation.  It's irritating.  No matter what you do someone "thinks" they know something better and criticizes you for it.  Test it out dudes.  See how you like it.

I really hate that I can't even talk to anyone of the opposite sex without people doing a double take or instantly starting a rumor.  Why is that necessary?  I really have yet to understand why people can't just worry about themselves.  If they had any idea how hard this was I bet they would think twice before saying anything again.  I don't know what people expect me to do.  Shrivel up in a ball forever?  Yeah.  That's realistic.

BUT I'm not ready to move on yet.  I don't WANT to move on yet.  I'm not going to sit around and tell people if I want a relationship in the future because, well, I don't know if I do yet.  It's so easy to fall into a trap when someone wants to be there for you.  However, I know I'm not ready.   I can't let myself be with someone else, nor do I want to be.  I can't even sit there and say if there is a possibility in the future. 

When I think about it, Josh is still "my boyfriend."  I guess technically he's not anymore, but I don't really see it that way yet.  I know that I am in the "single" category.  I don't always act like it.  I'm not ready to let go yet and I probably won't be for a while.  A lot of people think it's like breaking up.  It's not.  There is sooooo  much more to it than that.  If I ever do decide I want to be with someone again they have to understand that.  Once you get your "widow" tag, things will never be the same.  You carry this extra baggage and until you find someone who understands and accepts it, it will never work.  Good grief I almost feel like I've been tagged "special" or something.

So why is it that people expect me to say what's going to happen right this second?  News flash: It's not gonna happen.  I can't do any of that until I put my life back together.  For now, I need to focus on me.  Just Chrissy.  And until Chrissy figures out who she is again, she won't be with anyone else.  End of story.

I just wish people would let me be.  To make an attempt to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through.  Maybe people should take more time to think about that instead of giving their expert opinions or making sly comments that I always hear. 

It's less than two weeks until I go to Las Vegas and I couldn't be happier to get away.  I think I need this trip to just have fun and not worry about everything else.  I actually want to enjoy my birthday; at least make a solid attempt to.

I wish people understood how hard this was and how much I am trying to put my life back together.  I think about it every single day.  It doesn't go away.  I still long to have my old life back and then the never ending feeling of a knife in your stomach when you tell yourself for the millionth time that it isn't coming back.  All the tears and heartache doesn't disappear overnight.  People may think I'm okay because I put on a good front and I've come along way.  I can assure you it's still very real and very painful.

Every Tom, Dick, or Harry thinking that they know whats best needs to think about that.  Don't push me.. Just let me be.  I'll figure this all out on my own time.  This is about me.  And for once I plan on sticking to that.