Clarification Annonymous Commentor

Then you are not reading what I said.  I admit.. ALL THE TIME that there are people that have it worse than I do.  I'm talking about people who have EVERYTHING, but it's not enough for them.  That people who act like life is so terrible.  What's so terrible?  Why do certain people complain about every single little thing?

Do people complain and get hurt and have problems?  Yes.  Everyone does and I know that.  And I know there are people who have it worse.  And I disagree.  I do think the loss of loved one could hurt more than other things.  And I'm sure there is plenty more about that. 

If you don't like what I write on my blog.. then don't read it.  I don't need negativity in my life.. Especially this week.  And if you're someone I know.. disappointed.  Don't twist my words.

Selfish People

Before I go into my famous "blog rants.."

Tonight I was at band night in at the fair with my majorettes and it brings back a lot of madness that happened last year.  Last year I left band night and went home.  The next morning I woke up to a 5 am phone call from trashcanistan.

"Hey baby," came across the line.  As much as I wanted to complain about it being 5 in the morning, I didn't.  I was perfectly fine with hearing the voice.  It was like a sigh of relief.  I was happy.  Until 26 hours or so later. 

I have become increasingly irritated lately with people who think their life is just so terrible.  Multiple facebook posts like they're going to make a point..

"If I find out who talked about me I'll kill them"

"Don't care about me.. nbd"

or my personal favorite..

"OMG FML"

Yeah.  Your life must be soooooooooo terrible.  No. You know what that screams?  Immature.  I'm sick of it.  I like to think my life is pretty hard, but I also know that there are people all around the world that have it a hell of a lot worse than I do.  I swear to God there are some people who think life is just so incredibly hard.  Maybe some people should step back for a second and think about that. Think about how lucky you really are.

I'm not trying to talk myself up at all.  That's not the point.  Lord knows I should have been a lot more thankful than I was in the past and I learned the hard way to really think about that one.  There are people dealing with things in this world that are so incredibly painful and difficult on a daily basis.  Cancer, illness, death, whatever.  Every. Single. Day.

I see all of these people.. happy, a family, an education, house, food, car.  Everything.  What else could you possibly want?  What is so bad?  Sure things in life are tough to get through.. relationships, your friends.  Everyone has problems.  But is it really that bad?  No, it's not.

I don't want to be one of those angry/jealous/bitter people.  It's just been super hard to not be the closer I get to Friday.  I can only push it away for so long and it's a definite "ready or not here I come."  I'm not ready.  Not at all.

I just had a complete meltdown.  I stopped crying for a few minutes only because I got out my phone and played some voice mails just to hear his voice.  Thursday will be a year since I talked to him last.  It's crazy.  Part of me feels like I'm going to forget and that scares me.  Like I keep getting further away from him and I can't go back.

Truth is I'll never go back, but I wish I could.  I wish every day that my life could be as good as it was.

I went back to school Monday.  As crazy as it sounds I love that I'm back.  Last year school was my outlet from life.  My cohort became a tight knit group of friends.  Everyday I would go into class and tell my table about some stupid thing someone said to me to get a good laugh.  They never treated me any different and they have helped me along the way.  I'm glad that I will spend part of my day with them Friday.  I'm so thankful for them and everyone else in my life.

I just wish other people remembered that.  How lucky they really are... 

Last Year

 

This was us.  Moving through this deployment as best as we could checking off the days one by one.  Deployments suck.  Any military spouse will tell you that, but you make the best of this.  It's times like that when your love takes over for you and you realize what you have.  

We were happy.  Our life together was slowly falling into place.  We had already made it through a deployment and we were strong.  I think we were quite a pair.  We complimented each other well and we got so close.  It just fit.  Everything was perfect.. deployment and all.  

We were supposed to be one of the firsts out of our friends to get married.  It had been so long we weren't just Chrissy or just Josh.  It was always the two of us.. together.  That's how people got to know us.  

Sure.. we fought.  A lot.  And you know what 99% of the time I was the one looking for a fight.  It's what we did.. fought with each other.  But it never took long to get over it even though we were both stubborn and looking to get the last word in.  

We cared about each other more than anything else in this whole world and we grew dependent.  We needed each other.  3 years ago we were gearing up for our first deployment.  I had just moved over an hour away to college when he came home on leave.  What did I do?  Drove home every single night and back the next morning to be with him.  3 hours of driving.. every day.  That's just how we were.

Last year.. I would rush home from work every night as you were getting off watch so I could talk to you on skype.  

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that in a few short days I'll be out of "last year we did this.."  They won't be there anymore.  "Last year" will just be a reminder of all the pain.  All of anger and hurt.  The loss.  Flooding back into my life a lot faster than I want it to.

For the past couple months I pushed it away.  Somehow I managed to go into some numb state of mind and ignored it in every way possible.  I got sick of dealing with it.  I never wanted this life.  No one does.. I guess someone has to do it though.  When does it get better?  When do you really start to live life again?  

Over the last 11 months I have found ways to just cope with it.  But not to truly move on.  I haven't moved on at all.  I don't want to let go.  I still want to talk about things I had planned and think that maybe it will all still happened.  Maybe it is just a dream.  It's real life though.  My real life is a lot of girls worst nightmare.

Always so happy.. making everyone smile.  That's who he was.  A lot of times I can think of things and laugh.  At the same time  I just want to cry because I miss it so much.  I feel like for the rest of my life it's going to hurt.  It's never going to go away.  And you know?  It's not fair.  One thing impacts your entire life. 

I want to be happy.  I want to get married and have a family.  But I don't want it with someone else.  Not yet anyways.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have our happily ever after together.  I really wish I knew what God's plan was.  I'm not seeing the reason or what has gotten better in my life.  "Everything happens for a reason," is a crock of crap if you ask me.

I was going to plan a benefit for the one year, but I don't have it in me.  What I need is my carebear, my friends, and a strong drink.  That's exactly what I'm going to do, too. 

Hot Mess

That's me.  I'm on vacation and you want to know what I'm doing?  Laying in my hotel room cuddled with my bear and blanket by myself crying.  That's right.  While my friends are out having fun that's how I'm spending my time.  Love life right?

This whole year thing is throwing me over the edge.  All of the pain and anger is flooding back into my life like a freight train.  I want him back.  I want my life back.  I just wish he would walk in the door and hold me and say it will all be okay.  I miss him so much and it just eats me alive.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Life wasn't supposed to get so hard.

I'm so disgusted with everything in my life and I hate it.  Nothing is easy and no matter how hard I try i can't explain how I feel to anyone.  Thing is..  I let someone into my life a few months ago.  Realistically it's easy to let someone be there.  It's nice to have company and to feel like someone cares again.  But.. I'm not ready.  Don't get me wrong.. he's been nothing but good to me.  I'm not ready and it's not what I want.  As bad as it sounds I feel like I have to find out what's out there.  What I want and need again.

No one will ever be Josh.  For now I don't want anything but him.  I'm not ready to let go of what was supposed to be.  I don't want to.  And you know part of me thinks what would want this?  All I have gotten in the past year is a bunch of baggage and got fat.  Yup.  That's quite an accomplishment for almost 365 days.  I wouldn't blame a guy for not thinking twice about looking my way.  Like I said.. disgusted.

I get so frustrated when people don't get where I'm coming from.  No one understands how hard it is to move forward.  To get your life back together.  The past couple months I'll admit having someone around made it different.. like I could ignore what happened for a while.  Truth is.. it's never going away.  I can only hide from it for so long but it haunts me like a shadow. 

I'm like a bi-polar freak.  One day I want to be with someone and all happy go lucky.. the next I'm a hot mess wanting nothing but the past back.  Where the hell is the happy medium?  It all points the same direction and that is the "not ready."

Until I figure it all out I need my space and I need to be me.  Somehow, some way, I have to figure out who I am and what I want.  No matter how much I am hurting this world is not going to stop turning.  At some point I just want to feel better about things.. about life.

For now I'm going to live my own personal sob story.  Maybe I'll walk down to the boardwalk and indulge in some fat comfort food or chill on the beach to get my thoughts together.  At the moment.. my care-bear is the man.  Little bugger hasn't let me down since I was a tot.  Me and my teddy kinda night for this girl.  Just praying to God that somewhere along the line my life gets better..

True Colors

If there is one thing I learned over the course of the past 10.5 months it's when tragedy strikes in your life.. you see peoples true colors.  I couldn't even tell you how many people have promised me they would be there whenever I needed them.  Truth is.. they aren't.

Most of the time I feel like more of a burden than anything.  I used to get so butt hurt when I thought these people weren't following through with their promises.  But this morning I thought about it and you know what?  I don't care anymore.  I have had some great people to help me through this.  As for the others.. to hell with them.

Just for the record, I don't expect people to drop everything for me.  It's not like that.  What hurt was the fact that some people made promises and can't even check in to say hello.  Or even ask how I am.  I didn't know sending a quick message was such a complicated task.  Maybe that's just me asking too much.  I don't know.

I guess if anything I learned not to rely on people for things.  If I do it myself I can't get hurt in the end.  It's sad that I have gotten to that point.  Expect less out of people so I don't get hurt.  Really all people do is talk talk talk.  I must have one exciting life because it seems to be a prime topic of conversation around these parts.

Really at this point I don't even have it in me to blog about it.  I'm frustrated with a lot of things that are happening right now.  Honestly I think that if I did write about it that it wouldn't make any sense or people wouldn't understand.  I've been MIA lately and I think that's why.  I need to ponder some more before I write that blog because it will probably give people something to talk about.

Sometimes it feels like trying to explain my thoughts and feelings is completely impossible.  No matter how hard I try.. I can never fully explain it to someone.  The closest I can get is other wids because they're going through it too.  For example.. being with someone else.

I can't let myself be with someone else yet.  I've heard stories of other widows and the "rebounds."  I don't want to be that girl.  I want to figure things out before I get myself into anything.  I need to get my own life together.. figure out what I want again.  Even if that means talking to different guys to find out.

Right after Josh died I thought it was totally impossible to be with someone else.  I had my mind set that my life was planned with him and no one else.  What I realized is I will never stop loving Josh and no one will ever replace him.  No one.  But I don't want to be alone forever.  I want a fairy tale just like every other girl.  It's just that now that's going to take a little time.  The people I talk to from here on out have to understand that.  If they want to take that chance with me.. they'll wait.  Wait for me to figure it out.  Even if that means talking to someone else.  It's going to take time.  Maybe even years.

At first I was devastated by that.  I was supposed to be getting married and starting my life.  Watching other people do that while I sit back is hard for me.  I know in my heart that it's going to take time.  Time for me to heal.  Time for me to figure life out again.  Time for me to figure out what I want.

I can't settle down right now and I won't.  It would be unfair to me and to someone else.  What most people don't understand is how hard it is to put your life back together after something so traumatic happens.  To put your trust back into life and what it can be.  You lose all hope.  I was talking to a girl I work with today and for the past 10 months I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I gained weight.. I will stay in bed for hours.  I just don't give a shit.  That's an awful attitude to have and I know that.  Really though I don't think you can expect much more than that from a fairly new war widow.

It's no wonder that when people are married for several years and their spouse dies.. they die shortly after.  You physically can't live without them.  I still haven't learned to live with just me.  For so long it was "Chrissy and Josh."  Now it's just Chrissy.  I'm not ready to be Chrissy and someone else yet.  It's going to be a while.

I want to be happy more than anything in the world.. eventually.  Truth is I'm still grieving.  Learning how to laugh and smile again.  That's tough for someone in my place.  Something that seems so simple becomes so hard.  Most people can't even fathom what it's like to go through it.  I hear people complaining about life and I so badly want to ask them if they know how bad it can really be.

I see people who have it all.. yet they're unhappy for some reason.  People cheat.. leave their families.  I don't get it.  You have it all and you don't care.  Cheating or having a "spare" seems to be the thing to do these days.  I actually finally told someone about Josh and the response I got?  "If it makes you feel any better I just broke up with my fiance."  No.  No it doesn't make me feel better.  I would give up my life just to have one more day.  Why is it that I tried so hard to do everything by the book and I'm the one who ends up empty handed?  I'm the one that gets my life taken away.  That's one thing I'll never understand.

Point is.. no matter how far I come.. I still have a long way to go.  I'll figure it out eventually, but it's no surprise to anyone that it's going to take some time.  In the mean time.. l'll stay close to my true friends.  The people who left me high and dry and the ones who have so much to say can f off.  I'm done with it.  Worrying about that kind of negativity isn't going to get me anywhere.  All that will do is hold me back and I clearly don't have the extra time for that.

*A fellow wid, Katie, blogged about her feelings on a widow's dating world.  You can find it here.  Katie became a single mother and widow after the death of her husband.  Her words are inspiring.. Go check out her blog.

Ball of Emotions

I apologize for my extended absence.  Lately things have been pretty rough and the days I have gone through have been tough pills to swallow.  If anything it was more days that I survived, easy or not.

The first one was the 15th.  Friday marked a year since I had last touched him.  I remember that morning so vividly.  Waking up in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to the airport and he could get to his inspection.  I remember driving there.  It was still dark so you could only see the lights of Jacksonville as we drove away to the airport.  He held my hand the whole way there.  I couldn't even talk.  The tears rolled down my face as I stared out the window.  Occasionally gazing over as he focused on the road dressed in his cammies.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw the airport sign and we made the left turn off the highway.  "This is it," is all I could think.  We pulled up, got out of the car, and he took my suitcase out of the trunk.  We looked at each other and he grabbed me as I cried harder.  He gave me a kiss and let go.  I remember him asking if I was okay.  Before I could even answer he said "come here" and pulled me back in.  He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.  I grabbed my suitcase and walked inside with tears pouring out of my eyes.  I remember turning around and looking through the glass window to watch him drive away. 

You know what was ironic about that day?  I was so pissed off at my family when I got home.  I was in a rotten mood after my plane landed and everyone just kept pushing me to spend time with them and "loosen up."  I just cried.  I remember snapping and saying, "Do you know what I did today?  What if I don't see him again?"  And I didn't.  That was the last time I saw him.  A whole entire year seems insane.

Which brings me to my next point.  Yesterday was a year ago that the deployment started.  I was at work so we were texting all day as they got ready to leave.  I remember going out with my friends last night and getting items for my first care package.  I freaked when a storm hit and my cell phone wasn't working.  If I missed my last phone call I was going to be livid.  I didn't get that phone call anyways because he text me as they were taking off when they found out that they wouldn't be stopping in Maine this time.  Luckily at the time my brother stayed up all night with me and watched movies.  No one likes a deployment day.  It was the "here we go again" kinda feeling.  I felt like an expert though.  I had already done it once so I could surely do it again.  I was ready to get it over with so that we could start our lives once he returned home. 

I hate that people have to die.  On Thursday I went to the funeral of someone that I knew when I was growing up.  He was only 66 and left behind a wife and two daughters.  He was the Fire Chief in our town for many years so he was a well known and respected man in our community.  I snuck into the back of my Church because I've been a bad Catholic ever since Josh died.  I haven't stepped foot in that Church for several reasons.  Mostly because I'm still angry and even though it's probably wrong that is where I place most of my blame.  To sit through Funerals anymore is so incredibly difficult.  As I watched the family file in I was caught off guard as the husband of one of the daughters entered wearing his dress blues.  He is a Marine that was in Afghanistan and made it home just in time for the funeral.  That was probably about the time I was thinking it wasn't such a swell idea to put myself through another funeral.  I gathered my thoughts as the Priest began.  I did okay most of the time.  It just broke my heart to see his wife in front of me crying over the loss of her husband.  I know how incredibly difficult it was for me to sit there for Josh let alone after 43 years of marriage and two daughters.  My heart broke for all of them.  At the end they draped an American flag over the casket and started playing Amazing Grace.  Game over.  That combination does not sit well with me at all.  As everyone filed out of the Church, that was the same moment I decided not to follow the procession to the cemetery. 

I made my way back to my house and walked the two blocks down the main street in town where I saw this:

His casket made its way down Main Street on his favorite truck.  It was escorted by several other Fire Trucks along with all of the cars in the procession.  Each made its way underneath the flag one at a time.  It was a tear jerker to watch.  I remember that feeling.. Watching the people lined up on the streets to show their respect.  It is people like this that truly make an impact and leave a lasting impression on this community. 

After the procession ended I went back to my house.  I was officially in a slump for the rest of the day.  When I do something like that it emotionally drains me for a good 24 hours.  It's different though after you go through something so traumatic you feel so much for the family that is now in that position.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Misurda family. 

The one amazing thing about this community is the support that you have when something like this happens.  As painful as it is there is that constant reminder that you never have to do anything alone.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes.  I don't have to do it alone.  Sometimes I want to though.  It's weird.  But no matter what the people that really care stand back and wait for me to come to them.  For now I'm okay.  I passed over the bad parts of this month so I'll keep pushing forward.  I really wish September 2nd didn't feel so close.

EAS

Two days ago, July 1, was Josh's EAS date.  The day I have waited the past four years for was FINALLY here.  Marine Corps free!  Who isn't excited about that?  It was the day when we didn't have Uncle Sam controlling us.

But..

It doesn't mean anything anymore.

When I first realized it I thought, "oh my God it's finally here."  Then my heart just sank.  It's finally here and it's not going to happen.   It was supposed to be the first day of our happily ever after.  We had so many plans, but we had to get to this first and we didn't. 

The night before I was just a mess about it.  The day of wasn't so bad.  Once again the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  I tried to stay busy Friday so I didn't have too much time to think about it.  It still just flat out sucked.  It is so irritating to think about where you thought you were going to be and then you look at where you are.  I don't know that I will ever stop being bitter.  No matter who I am with I still think about everything.  The people I hang out with will tell you.. it's quite a stare into space. 

It's days like that when i just want my life back to the way it was.  Nothing real great has happened since September.  It's sad that I can be content staying in my bed all day not socializing with the world.  I still hate to go out in public because I know I have that label and people just stare at me.  I hate it.  Not to mention how whack my emotions are most of the time.  I snap at the drop of a hat. 

I'm really just over it all.  Not to mention yesterday was another two.  I hate that the number keeps getting higher.  10 months is complete craziness.  I really really really don't want to hit a year.  Thankfully I had a full day yesterday.   I went down to Pittsburgh to see Kenny Chesney, Zac Brown Band, Billy Currington, and Uncle Cracker.  And of course, leave it to Zac Brown Band to do a salute to the Fallen and those who are currently serving.  Yup, good fun with that one.  It was a pretty good night though and I was distracted away from focusing too much on the 'two.'

Things are about to get rocky and I just don't even want to deal with it.  I need a time machine asap.

Anyways, enjoy your fourth of July everyone!  Remember the day isn't just about the cookouts, family, friends, and fireworks.  There is so much more to it, so don't forget..