Happy five years :)
I knew I was going to be spending this one alone, but not like this. When we brought in 2010 I had no idea it would be our last. I remember that night and my mouth was still fat and sore from getting my wisdom teeth out. So instead of going out you stayed on the couch with me all night. I'm so glad you did. I drank one or two, okay quite a few for you haha.
I have mixed feelings on this year. As soon as the ball dropped, I instantly burst into tears. It wasn't even controllable at that point. It was so weird and so bittersweet going into a new year. I was happy, excited, nervous, sad, alone, and a million other emotions all at the same time.
2011 was supposed to be a good year for us. A lot of things were supposed to happen and they aren't now. It makes me sad and angry. We've waited for this year for so long and it doesn't even mean anything now. It's like I'm starting a new chapter on my own. It breaks my heart doing it without you. 2011 is a year you won't get to see.
At the same time I'm excited and nervous. As I stood with my friends and tears in my eyes I heard, "you made it girl, it's a new year." They were right. I made it. It's a new start for me. As much as I wish you could be here and we could have our plans back- we can't. I'm going to make this year about me. Focus on what makes me happy. First on my list is losing the mass amount of weight that I have gained since September. After that, I'm not real sure. I still have some exciting things- my 21st birthday, my last semester of classes, and I'm sure there's more that I just can't think of at the moment.
It's hard and scary to feel like I'm taking a step forward, but I know in my heart that I have to. If I don't I'll never be happy again. I don't want to be miserable everyday. I have to start somewhere and it's time to take a baby step. I may take a step back again, actually I'm sure I will, but I have to try.
I'm not sure what 2011 really has in store for me. It has to be better than 2010 though that is for sure. I'm trying something new- just going with it. Focusing on making me happy. Who knows- maybe after that someone will love me again. I most definitely still have lots of hurdles to overcome, but hopefully as the time passes I'll find a way to be happy again. To regain faith, love, and trust. My motto for this year..
"All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust." - Peter Pan
I'm going to do this. I swear I'm going to make it.
And I'm going to do it all for you <3