So I have gathered a general census that you have been visiting other people (hope you don't mind!) and here's a couple of the messages I have gotten the past two days:
"Okay, so I had the weirdest dream last night. I was like in jail and everything it was weird. But anyways, Josh was in my dream. This is where it gets random. Anyways, I was in heaven watching everyone. Someone asked Josh why he was all gray because everyone in heaven is supposed to be rainbow colored but Josh said he wasn't rainbow colored cause you weren't there and the only way you were allowed to be rainbow colored in heaven is if you were complete and happy how you left people/things on earth. He said he would never be rainbow colored, because of him your heart is broken and he left you before he was ready to. So now he'll be gray until you're with him or until he knows that you're okay. And he knew I was watching so he said tell Chrissy i'll wait right here (because the gray people weren't allowed with the rainbow people)."
"Last night, you and Josh made an appearance in my dream. He was there, talking to you, and you could see him, and touch him, but it was after he died. (Weird, I know.) But he was with us watching a Steelers game, wearing his Jersey that he had. After the game was over, you walked with him to the door, because he told you that he couldn't stay. He brushed your hair back (I don't know if he did that regularly or not) and told you that he was okay where he was, that he was proud of you, and that he loves you still. Then he kissed your forehead and walked out. "
Heartbreaking and Comforting all at the same time..
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
3 years ago..
We were here:
We had finally finished the first step in our Marine Corps career- boot camp. I remember those three months. It was such a shock to seeing you and talking to you everyday to almost nothing. As I stood waiting to see you on family day I remember shaking uncontrollably. I was so excited to see you and I burst into tears the second I got to you. After that I remember thinking "okay, one part is down and only 3 years and 9 months to go." I was so determined to make it through the next 4 years one step at a time. Little did I know it would be taken from me in the home stretch.
Today I'm so angry. Angry that we were almost done with this.. 10 months and we were Marine Corps free. Actually, I just wanted to get through the last 5 of the deployment and then you would have been done leaving. But of course not. Why not just put the cherry on top of my already shitty life. I hate feeling like i'm going to live the rest of my life this way. Wondering what "could have been" and settling for something mediocre.
Not to mention the fact that I want to duke it out with God. I have yet to understand why he keeps doing these things to me. My life has been everything BUT normal. It's been one thing after another. He took the best thing away from me and that was you.
All along my biggest fear in life was being alone. What do you know? Just when I think everything is going to work out perfectly for us, this happens. I'm going to be one of those 50 year old school teachers who is single, taking care of her parents, and live with a bunch of cats (I hate cats by the way). Pisses. Me. Off.
Did I mention how much I love your friends? They're amazing. You would happy to know I'm well taken care of and I have plenty of people to ask if I ever need anything at all. I'm so glad you had such amazing friends and I'm glad that I will get to inherit them as my own. I have been blown away with some of the messages I have gotten lately and it really is amazing. As much as I hate this situation, it is people like your friends from the MC that make this a little more bearable. This is a type of family that you would only know if you're involved in this situation. These people have a different view on life and it's a kind of brotherhood that you don't find very often. I'm thankful that I get to be a part of it and these are the type of friendships you'll keep close to your heart forever.
I miss you. Dreams.. please?
We had finally finished the first step in our Marine Corps career- boot camp. I remember those three months. It was such a shock to seeing you and talking to you everyday to almost nothing. As I stood waiting to see you on family day I remember shaking uncontrollably. I was so excited to see you and I burst into tears the second I got to you. After that I remember thinking "okay, one part is down and only 3 years and 9 months to go." I was so determined to make it through the next 4 years one step at a time. Little did I know it would be taken from me in the home stretch.
Today I'm so angry. Angry that we were almost done with this.. 10 months and we were Marine Corps free. Actually, I just wanted to get through the last 5 of the deployment and then you would have been done leaving. But of course not. Why not just put the cherry on top of my already shitty life. I hate feeling like i'm going to live the rest of my life this way. Wondering what "could have been" and settling for something mediocre.
Not to mention the fact that I want to duke it out with God. I have yet to understand why he keeps doing these things to me. My life has been everything BUT normal. It's been one thing after another. He took the best thing away from me and that was you.
All along my biggest fear in life was being alone. What do you know? Just when I think everything is going to work out perfectly for us, this happens. I'm going to be one of those 50 year old school teachers who is single, taking care of her parents, and live with a bunch of cats (I hate cats by the way). Pisses. Me. Off.
Did I mention how much I love your friends? They're amazing. You would happy to know I'm well taken care of and I have plenty of people to ask if I ever need anything at all. I'm so glad you had such amazing friends and I'm glad that I will get to inherit them as my own. I have been blown away with some of the messages I have gotten lately and it really is amazing. As much as I hate this situation, it is people like your friends from the MC that make this a little more bearable. This is a type of family that you would only know if you're involved in this situation. These people have a different view on life and it's a kind of brotherhood that you don't find very often. I'm thankful that I get to be a part of it and these are the type of friendships you'll keep close to your heart forever.
I miss you. Dreams.. please?
Tagged
So this is my first survey post that Rachel (A Little Pink in a World of Camo) tagged me in so here goes nothing.
1. If you were a shoe, what shoe would you be and why?
I'm gonna go with flip flops. Just because they're fun and they mean summer/warm air/beach etc.
2. What talent do you wish you had? Would you pursue learning or brushing up on that talent now?
To be able to sing. I cannot carry a tune at all- it's terrible. I would say my talent now is baton twirling and I would most definitely want to do more with it.
3. What is your favorite/best childhood memory?
I'm gonna have to go with Christmas eve in my family. We always had these big crazy get togethers that have since kinda dissipated. We still have them, but they aren't the same. I also think that time of year used to be a lot more magical for me. I feel a serious scrooge coming on this year..
4. What is your favorite song? What lyrics strike you the most?
Right now? Just a dream. It's completely describes my life.
Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now i'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like i'm lookin from a distance standing in the background
Everybody's sayin' he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me.. This is just a dream
5. If you could go back in any period of time before you were born, where would you go, what would you do?
The civil war. I think it was a really interesting time in our history and I would like to experience it. I know- i'm a geek.
6. Who is your role model?
Josh. Hands down. He has done more honorable things in his 21 years of life than I will ever do in my whole lifetime. I admire his strength and courage. I'll never be half the person that he was.
7. Pick a scar. Tell us it's story.
Is it weird if I don't have one? But i'll go with my fat thumb. It's my right thumb and the thing is massive. I'm pretty sure I broke it twice- once in volleyball and again my senior year of majorettes. I never got the thing fixed and it hurts when it's cold outside. However, I'm deathly afraid to get it checked because I don't want it broken again.
8. If you had no computer, tv, or phone for a whole day (YIKES!) what would you do with yourself?
I might actually get some homework done or workout. Other than that I'm not really sure.
1. If you were a shoe, what shoe would you be and why?
I'm gonna go with flip flops. Just because they're fun and they mean summer/warm air/beach etc.
2. What talent do you wish you had? Would you pursue learning or brushing up on that talent now?
To be able to sing. I cannot carry a tune at all- it's terrible. I would say my talent now is baton twirling and I would most definitely want to do more with it.
3. What is your favorite/best childhood memory?
I'm gonna have to go with Christmas eve in my family. We always had these big crazy get togethers that have since kinda dissipated. We still have them, but they aren't the same. I also think that time of year used to be a lot more magical for me. I feel a serious scrooge coming on this year..
4. What is your favorite song? What lyrics strike you the most?
Right now? Just a dream. It's completely describes my life.
Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now i'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like i'm lookin from a distance standing in the background
Everybody's sayin' he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me.. This is just a dream
5. If you could go back in any period of time before you were born, where would you go, what would you do?
The civil war. I think it was a really interesting time in our history and I would like to experience it. I know- i'm a geek.
6. Who is your role model?
Josh. Hands down. He has done more honorable things in his 21 years of life than I will ever do in my whole lifetime. I admire his strength and courage. I'll never be half the person that he was.
7. Pick a scar. Tell us it's story.
Is it weird if I don't have one? But i'll go with my fat thumb. It's my right thumb and the thing is massive. I'm pretty sure I broke it twice- once in volleyball and again my senior year of majorettes. I never got the thing fixed and it hurts when it's cold outside. However, I'm deathly afraid to get it checked because I don't want it broken again.
8. If you had no computer, tv, or phone for a whole day (YIKES!) what would you do with yourself?
I might actually get some homework done or workout. Other than that I'm not really sure.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Hate this.
This is flat out terrible. I was doing what I would say semi-okay for a little while there, but these past 4 or 5 days have just been awful. I miss you and my heart hurts more than anyone will ever know. People think I'm "okay" but I'm not. I'm completely heart broken and a piece of me is gone that I will never get back.
The thing that hurts me the most- you don't have the chance to get anything that you wanted in life. It was taken away from you before you got the chance to live it. It's not fair, not one single bit. I try going to do things and just get my mind off it, but it doesn't work. I think about you all the time. I feel like you're missing out on so much. I want you here with me and I can't have it.
One thing I am thankful for right now is your friends. They keep me sane by checking on me or just to talk. It's a comfort for me to know how many people loved and cared about you. In all reality a lot of the guys that have talked to me didn't even really know me, but they knew you and that I was a big part of your life. Because of that they are there for me. It means more to me than they will ever know. It just shows to what kind of friends or brothers none the less that you have been with over the last 3 years. I am happy to know that you touched so many lives over the years and have so many good friends.
Oh, I don't know if I mentioned it before. But I decided since you can't be here I'm going to do all the things you wanted to do for you. I started last night with number one on my list- the Pens game.
It's so hard for me to have fun. I want you to experience these things too. Last night reminded me of the night we watched the Stanley Cup finals at the beach when the Pens won. You drove hours to see me for less than 12. I don't know if I ever told you how much I appreciated the little things like that that you did for me. Those were the things that made me realize how much you loved me.
I miss you.
Love,
Chrissy
The thing that hurts me the most- you don't have the chance to get anything that you wanted in life. It was taken away from you before you got the chance to live it. It's not fair, not one single bit. I try going to do things and just get my mind off it, but it doesn't work. I think about you all the time. I feel like you're missing out on so much. I want you here with me and I can't have it.
One thing I am thankful for right now is your friends. They keep me sane by checking on me or just to talk. It's a comfort for me to know how many people loved and cared about you. In all reality a lot of the guys that have talked to me didn't even really know me, but they knew you and that I was a big part of your life. Because of that they are there for me. It means more to me than they will ever know. It just shows to what kind of friends or brothers none the less that you have been with over the last 3 years. I am happy to know that you touched so many lives over the years and have so many good friends.
Oh, I don't know if I mentioned it before. But I decided since you can't be here I'm going to do all the things you wanted to do for you. I started last night with number one on my list- the Pens game.
It's so hard for me to have fun. I want you to experience these things too. Last night reminded me of the night we watched the Stanley Cup finals at the beach when the Pens won. You drove hours to see me for less than 12. I don't know if I ever told you how much I appreciated the little things like that that you did for me. Those were the things that made me realize how much you loved me.
I miss you.
Love,
Chrissy
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Overwhelmed
Yep. That pretty much says it. It's been three weeks and I feel like I'm falling apart now more than ever. I miss you. This reality is continually sinking in and I just want it to go away.
I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do and in the back of my mind I want you to be proud of me. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the "I would just drop out this semester," but I can't. I hear your voice in my head over and over again "Christina, what did I tell you? Worry about school." I'm trying, babe. I want to do this, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed with everything and I don't know how to handle it. You were way better at calming me down and letting me know it would all be okay. At the same time, you know as well as I do that I am a stubborn ass and I just want to prove to people that I can do this.
I was sitting in class today where we watched a video on families and the longer I sat there the more tears filled up my eyes. Everything I thought I was going to have was just taken away and it's like everything is a constant reminder of it. Somehow I managed to make it out of there but I lost it in my car. I listened to some old voice mails on my way home and it helped to hear your voice and even laugh a little. But once I got through them all that was it. I lost it. Again. After last night you would think that I would be out of tears, but that's a big negative.
I'm starting to feel defeated and wondering how I am ever going to this without you by my side. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to us. But it is. And I hate every damn second of it. Although, I think I put on a pretty decent front during the day. It's the nights. I'm alone and you're gone.
You left me with two things- your love and strength. That's really the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning and pushing me through the day.
My current pick me up is what one of your friends (that I just met because of all of this) put on my status last night..
"Stay strong Chrissy. Josh would expect nothing less. He's watching over all of us. He loved you so much"
Come visit me soon- somehow, someway. I need you.
Love,
Chrissy
I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do and in the back of my mind I want you to be proud of me. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the "I would just drop out this semester," but I can't. I hear your voice in my head over and over again "Christina, what did I tell you? Worry about school." I'm trying, babe. I want to do this, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed with everything and I don't know how to handle it. You were way better at calming me down and letting me know it would all be okay. At the same time, you know as well as I do that I am a stubborn ass and I just want to prove to people that I can do this.
I was sitting in class today where we watched a video on families and the longer I sat there the more tears filled up my eyes. Everything I thought I was going to have was just taken away and it's like everything is a constant reminder of it. Somehow I managed to make it out of there but I lost it in my car. I listened to some old voice mails on my way home and it helped to hear your voice and even laugh a little. But once I got through them all that was it. I lost it. Again. After last night you would think that I would be out of tears, but that's a big negative.
I'm starting to feel defeated and wondering how I am ever going to this without you by my side. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to us. But it is. And I hate every damn second of it. Although, I think I put on a pretty decent front during the day. It's the nights. I'm alone and you're gone.
You left me with two things- your love and strength. That's really the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning and pushing me through the day.
My current pick me up is what one of your friends (that I just met because of all of this) put on my status last night..
"Stay strong Chrissy. Josh would expect nothing less. He's watching over all of us. He loved you so much"
Come visit me soon- somehow, someway. I need you.
Love,
Chrissy
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Numbers.
I am really sick of counting things. So many things have been popping up lately.. 2 months since I had seen you last, what would have been 2 months down with this deployment, 2 weeks since I have talked to you. I am so sick of that.
I think about you constantly. It just completely breaks my heart that you didn't get a chance to live your life and get the things that you wanted. What's even worse? I can't do a damn thing about it. I cry and get mad and hope and dream, but it won't change it. It's going to be a long life with out you..
It's so hard for me to go anywhere these days because people are constantly staring and talking. And you know- it blows my mind how ignorant some people can be in this type of situation. My favorite are the people who try talking to me and acting like it's so extremely hard on them when I know the both of us haven't seen or heard from them in years. I mean really? Some things that people have said to me just seem so inappropriate, but somehow I have managed to keep my mouth shut about it. (Disclaimer: I appreciate the support I get, I really do. There are just a select few mouths that take it to far)
I manage to hold things together during the day when I have school or work. It's nights that I hate. I will say though I know you're still here. You left me with two things- love and strength. You know I need that and that is how I get through my days. Oh, and I had another dream. Someone called my damn cell phone or I would've probably had more :( All I remember is telling you it was our last something and you said "no it's babe don't say that" wrapped your arms around me, gave me a kiss a disappeared. I think you should probably stick around longer :)
I spent some time with Lauren and Aaron and the girls. It makes me miss you but at the time it's a comfort. I saw RJ and Danielle a few times this week too. I'm just so disappointed you aren't here the way I want you to be. Every day there are at least 20 things that remind me of you. It either makes me smile or the tears fill up my eyes. I miss you more than you know.
I'm gonna cut out- the tears are flowing. Come visit me again soon <3
I love you, forever and a day.
pickle.
I think about you constantly. It just completely breaks my heart that you didn't get a chance to live your life and get the things that you wanted. What's even worse? I can't do a damn thing about it. I cry and get mad and hope and dream, but it won't change it. It's going to be a long life with out you..
It's so hard for me to go anywhere these days because people are constantly staring and talking. And you know- it blows my mind how ignorant some people can be in this type of situation. My favorite are the people who try talking to me and acting like it's so extremely hard on them when I know the both of us haven't seen or heard from them in years. I mean really? Some things that people have said to me just seem so inappropriate, but somehow I have managed to keep my mouth shut about it. (Disclaimer: I appreciate the support I get, I really do. There are just a select few mouths that take it to far)
I manage to hold things together during the day when I have school or work. It's nights that I hate. I will say though I know you're still here. You left me with two things- love and strength. You know I need that and that is how I get through my days. Oh, and I had another dream. Someone called my damn cell phone or I would've probably had more :( All I remember is telling you it was our last something and you said "no it's babe don't say that" wrapped your arms around me, gave me a kiss a disappeared. I think you should probably stick around longer :)
I spent some time with Lauren and Aaron and the girls. It makes me miss you but at the time it's a comfort. I saw RJ and Danielle a few times this week too. I'm just so disappointed you aren't here the way I want you to be. Every day there are at least 20 things that remind me of you. It either makes me smile or the tears fill up my eyes. I miss you more than you know.
I'm gonna cut out- the tears are flowing. Come visit me again soon <3
I love you, forever and a day.
pickle.
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