Yep. That pretty much says it. It's been three weeks and I feel like I'm falling apart now more than ever. I miss you. This reality is continually sinking in and I just want it to go away.
I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do and in the back of my mind I want you to be proud of me. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the "I would just drop out this semester," but I can't. I hear your voice in my head over and over again "Christina, what did I tell you? Worry about school." I'm trying, babe. I want to do this, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed with everything and I don't know how to handle it. You were way better at calming me down and letting me know it would all be okay. At the same time, you know as well as I do that I am a stubborn ass and I just want to prove to people that I can do this.
I was sitting in class today where we watched a video on families and the longer I sat there the more tears filled up my eyes. Everything I thought I was going to have was just taken away and it's like everything is a constant reminder of it. Somehow I managed to make it out of there but I lost it in my car. I listened to some old voice mails on my way home and it helped to hear your voice and even laugh a little. But once I got through them all that was it. I lost it. Again. After last night you would think that I would be out of tears, but that's a big negative.
I'm starting to feel defeated and wondering how I am ever going to this without you by my side. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to us. But it is. And I hate every damn second of it. Although, I think I put on a pretty decent front during the day. It's the nights. I'm alone and you're gone.
You left me with two things- your love and strength. That's really the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning and pushing me through the day.
My current pick me up is what one of your friends (that I just met because of all of this) put on my status last night..
"Stay strong Chrissy. Josh would expect nothing less. He's watching over all of us. He loved you so much"
Come visit me soon- somehow, someway. I need you.