Wednesday, January 26, 2011

American Widow Project

Today mine and Josh's story is up on the American Widow Project website.  It doesn't contain much that I haven't already mentioned, but I'm so glad it's there.  I love letting people know our story and it's important to me. 

I haven't been part of this organization for long, but so far I am so glad I found it.  I've met some other widows through them.  It's nice knowing you aren't alone in this life.  People your age going through the same thing.  You have people to lean on that understand everything you're dealing with.  I hope to go on one of their getaways soon to meet some of these other women.  Taryn (the founder) really did something amazing by starting this.  There really is a lack of resources for young military widows.   Places like this make it more bearable and I often find myself going there and reading stories to remind myself I'm not the only person going through this.  I find comfort in that and I'm so thankful that it is there. 

Oh, and I found this on their site.  It's my favorite and completely legit-

Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.
1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.
“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.
“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.
2. Expect to be asked out—by your husband’s best friend.
3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.
4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it—at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.
5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.
6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.
Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.
7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.
10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date—with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.
11. Expect to wish you were dead.
12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.
13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?
14. Expect to make plans to run away.
15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.
16. Expect to kiss a fool.
17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.
18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.
19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.
20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.
21. Expect to not sleep.
22. Expect to not focus.
23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.
24. Expect to eat too much.
25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!
26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.
28. Expect to forgive yourself.
Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.
But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.
Expect the unexpected.
And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.
~Linda Della Donna @
Well, my class is about to start.  I just wanted to share all of this with you.  I'll be back very soon I have some thoughts that need to go somewhere :)


  1. Chrissy,
    Thank you so much for being able to write such a beautiful picture of you and your love. I know that feeling once your story gets "out there", it's kind of a relief. For me, I couldn't talk about it, so I just wrote. Once our story was out there, I felt like a weight was lifted because so many of the people I met through the AWP were finally able to read about our story. I know how difficult it is, so I just wanted to thank you.

  2. Chrissy you are amazing. And while most of us may not understand how you feel, seeing lists like that help us get it a little more.
    I pray for you everyday and you're seriously incredible. <3