Friday, January 28, 2011

Letting Go

It's Friday night.. so guess what that means babe?  I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress.  I remember when this was my countdown show.  I watched it every Friday night (usually waiting for you) and it just meant another week went by.  I remember watching it late one night waiting for you and Benjamin to get to your house.  You didn't say anything, but as soon as we got in bed you said "don't get any ideas" haha.  Thanks for the reassuring words ass :p  Don't even lie, you started to like my addicting shows.  You can admit it now and I won't tell.

I'm a little sad.  Last night was awful.  Other wids probably know what I am talking about, but the day after a bad night is almost like a "hangover."  I know, it's weird.  With homecoming right around the corner its hitting me like a ton of bricks.  I was looking at pictures and I just cried, and cried, and cried.  I'm so jealous of everyone.  I came across a picture from Aaron and Lauren's wedding.  It reminded me of that day and when we were driving there you grabbed my hand and said, "it won't be long until people are driving to our wedding."  Yup.  Not fair.  Okay I've gotten way off topic..

Alright.  So. We need to revamp the way I've been handling things.  I've said it a million times how much of a planner I am, but the further I get into this journey the more I realize you just can't plan anything.  It doesn't work that way.  As much as I would like to control every aspect of my life it's just not going to happen. Period.  


I saw this quote on a friends wall the other night: 

I believe we write our own stories, and each time we think we know the end - we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing you just can't know it all. You know life's funny that way...once you let go of the wheel, you might just end up right where you belong. ♥

Legit.  Ever since then I'm trying to just go with it.  Once you're thrown into this life you can only do things one day at a time.   You can't plan and you have a hard time picturing the future.  A huge part of your future just got ripped out of your life so how can you feel comfortable placing anything in the "future" again.  I need to let go a little.  For once in my life I have to go wherever it takes me and not fight it so much.  Maybe then I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.  

I mean, you know I won't totally give up my planning.  BUT I'm going to try really hard to not rely on it as much.  I can hear it now, "It'll be all right babe." I know, I know.  It just doesn't seem like it right now.  Once homecoming is over with I think it'll start getting a little better.  Right now it's just hanging over my head and I'm so anxious to get it over with.  And you know what?  You won't lead me down the wrong road.  If you do you're in big trouble mister.  

Whatever you do, stay close. I need you with me.  Things are about to get rough and I know that.  I'm going to keep reminding myself to be more like you and just go with it.  Things will happen if they're meant to and if they aren't then they won't.  It's just a really hard concept for me to grasp, but I'm going to work on it.  It just might take some time. Blah. I hate that word, time.

2 comments:

  1. Praying for you, Chrissy. I'm glad you're going to be able to come down here so all of the CW can make up for our "virtual hugs" with real ones. You are so strong, girl. I'm really in awe of you.

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  2. I love that show! My husabnd used to complain when I turned it one. Then he progressed to actually sitting next to me on the couch, but he would always be on his computer or working on something. This week, I had it on and I caught him watching it from the hallway! He was really not happy I caught him sneaking a peak :-)

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