Friday, January 7, 2011


The question that I continually ask myself and even more so today.  Why me? Why the other widows?  Why good men?  A few hours ago I got word of another 2/9 Marine who has gone to guard the streets of Heaven.  I got a letter from him a few weeks ago.  He was thanking me for the care packages and telling me how sorry he was about Josh.  He passed on his wife's contact information and told me to let him know if I needed anything.  Told me he would see me upon his return to the states.

Why did this happen to him?

His poor wife just got dealt the shittiest hand.  She's going to live this crap life and be tagged "war widow."  I don't know how many times I refer to myself as one only for people to say "Ew, I hate that"  Well you know what?  It's reality and a harsh one.  There are so many of us out there with that damn tag and not a single one of us asked for this life.  No one should have to go through this because it's damn hard.  Every single day is a fight.  She's going to have to struggle each day to keep herself going.  She's going to miss him and wonder why.  She's going to be in a fog for weeks and then reality will hit.  She's going to cry and be angry all in the same minute.  She's going to hurt more than any other person could understand unless they were going through it too.  And you know what?  I bet you anything she doesn't deserve it.

Why does God keep taking these men?  Enough is enough already.  I NEVER wanted Josh to die, but my God if it happened now I don't know what I would do.  Being less than 2 months in wasn't great either, but I would die if it happened within weeks of homecoming.  You have all of the excitement around you and make preparations for their arrival only for this to happen?  THIS ISN'T FAIR!  How many wives are going on without husbands?  Children without fathers?  Parents without children? None of it is fair.  I wish it would all go away.

When I finally made the connection of who it was I just cried.  Cried for him, his wife, and family.  Cried because it reopened the wound of those feelings.  Cried because I know what she's going to have to do in a few days.  It hurts.  It's such an indescribable pain and I can't handle hearing about more of these men dying.  It breaks my heart all over again.  Is it ever going to end?  One was one too many and it's what fifteen now?  That's ridiculous.  It may not seem like a lot, but that is fifteen families that have to live through a nightmare.  A nightmare that so many people hope and pray that they never have to live.

Not to mention what it does to their fellow Marines/brothers.  They will live with this for the rest of their lives.  I tell you what Marines are special people for everything they do and knowing what it does to them.  Everyone thinks when they get home it's all "good in the hood."  Wrong.  I remember the struggles Josh had after Iraq and you know its going to be twice as bad with the guys coming home from Afghanistan.  They're going to struggle mentally and emotionally with this for who knows how long.  The pain of losing a brother.  They really are a family and losing a fellow Marine is a hard hit.  The guys who are discharged that found out are just as devastated.  This battalion is one big family and it hits everyone involved.  I'm sure there is some idiot saying "thank God it's not me," but you know that its one hell of a hit on everyone- Marines, wives/girlfriends/fiances, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters.  Everyone.

American Citizens- I sure hope you thank God everyday for the freedoms you have and for those that give their lives so you have them.  Take a second and think about it.  Be thankful for what you have and for the brave men that gave you that right.  Don't EVER take that freedom for granted.  Ever.

Even though Josh isn't here I still have this Marine family to lean on.  We'll all get through it together and will forever have a bond.  This deployment is one for the books and one that none of us will ever forget.

Ryan- Rest in Peace Marine, you've done your job well.
"If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines."

My prayers go out to his wife Brittany and all of his family and friends.  Stay strong 2/9.


  1. Jesus you just made me cryyyy.

    All I have to say is AMEN.

  2. Hazel Williams-JannJanuary 8, 2011 at 12:41 AM

    And the hurt is there even as far back as 1952 when I watched my mother cry over her first-born son who was killed during the Korean Conflict at the age of 20. I too am not a widow, not of the Viet Nam war. My husband had returned from battle and lost his life in a work-related accident at the age of almost 35. That was 35 years ago. Some of the things you said, I felt - all over again. I pray you find peace knowing America is still free because of men like your husband.

  3. I dont completely understand how you feel. However my life is affected as well from the other side. My husband was in the army an is an Iraq War Vet. Although he came home our family is still affected by his time in service over there. He lost several of his fellow soldiers on a flight that he was supposed to be on. A seat that he gave to a fellow "BROTHER" because he was trying to get home to his wife before she had their first child. He saw that plane get shot down and has suffered daily since then. We go thru this together. Although he doesnt really talk about what went on while he was there this particular story came out in our counseling session. I found out that my husband truly to this day wished he would have taken that seat...if he had just been selfish. The guy might have been late getting to see his son....but at least he would have gotten to see him. He might have missed the birth but he would have been around to see every other aspect of his life. But because he was so excited about going home my husband gladly gave his seat so that he could be with his family. Although there was no way my husband could have known what was going to happen he still feels as thought it is his fault. He suffers from severe PTSD and has been diagnosed with a TBI. We have been told that due to these injuries there may come a day that he will walk out of our house and not remember how to get home. We see the little signs of this on a daily basis...forgetting to turn off the stove, leaving the doors open....people dont realize how good they have it when their husbands, wives, family members are home with them every night...People take the life they live forgranted. I agree with you that they should thank a soldier.....every single time they see one....My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families that have lost their soldiers no matter what branch....Thank you guys for the sacrifices that you have made. My heart aches for your losses! May they Rest IN Peace and guard you in your dreams until you meet them again!

  4. My husband deployed to Afghanistan with 2/7 back in 2008, just as the Marines were going back in. We lost 20 men that deployment. He survived an RPG blast as well. It has been two years since his return, and we are still dealing with that deployment. He definitely suffers from PTSD. When he got hit, we lost a piece of him, a piece that I have been fighting to get back.

    Anywhoo, my prayers are with you and his family, as well as the Bn.


  5. Thank you Brittany & Ryan for your sacrifice to our country.
    My husband is soon to deploy to Afghanistan & we have been blessed to have him return from 3 deployments to Iraq. We have lost his Best Friend & four of his guys during deployment number 2. It is a constant struggle each day for him & I pray for all our families who are living daily with our Veterans.
    Thank you seems so small a word to say to these men, but it goes to their hearts.

    Freedom is NOT Free

  6. My heart goes out to all of you but Marines aren't the only ones giving their lives... Please don't forget that every branch of our military has put their lives on the line.

  7. I awarded you the Stylish Blogger Award. See my blog post for details:

  8. I have read everyone of your blogs from the very first until the latest. They have always inspired me, and I remember telling Brittany about them the first time I ever read one and telling her she should read them. I never ever imagined that one day she would live this, too. You have summed up everything horrible about war in this one blog. From every angle this whole thing is so awful. I have cried for you from day one, and I have never met you, and I can't know how it truly feels, but I have come as close as I can possibly come when Brittany called and told me about Ryan. When Ryan got killed, I not only lost a dear friend, but one of my best friends lost her husband, and my husband lost one of his best friends. He was there when it happened, and he was there when he passed on. She has been my rock through so much this deployment. It is absolutley killing me to watch them go through this while I also greave for Ryan. I cry for his family. I also live in fear that Preston will be next. I live with the guilt of why was it her husband and not mine? Why does my friend have to go through this and not me? I know that Preston lives with that guilt, too. Yesterday, I got so angry for Brittany that I didn't want to be around anyone but my daughter. I hate this for both of you and for everyone who is affected by all of this. I made a promise to myself to always be there for Brittany and help her now that Goose is gone, but I want you to know that you are a part of this marine family, and we will be there for you, too. You have been mine and Brittany's inspiration for months, and I can't wait to meet you.