The question that I continually ask myself and even more so today. Why me? Why the other widows? Why good men? A few hours ago I got word of another 2/9 Marine who has gone to guard the streets of Heaven. I got a letter from him a few weeks ago. He was thanking me for the care packages and telling me how sorry he was about Josh. He passed on his wife's contact information and told me to let him know if I needed anything. Told me he would see me upon his return to the states.
Why did this happen to him?
His poor wife just got dealt the shittiest hand. She's going to live this crap life and be tagged "war widow." I don't know how many times I refer to myself as one only for people to say "Ew, I hate that" Well you know what? It's reality and a harsh one. There are so many of us out there with that damn tag and not a single one of us asked for this life. No one should have to go through this because it's damn hard. Every single day is a fight. She's going to have to struggle each day to keep herself going. She's going to miss him and wonder why. She's going to be in a fog for weeks and then reality will hit. She's going to cry and be angry all in the same minute. She's going to hurt more than any other person could understand unless they were going through it too. And you know what? I bet you anything she doesn't deserve it.
Why does God keep taking these men? Enough is enough already. I NEVER wanted Josh to die, but my God if it happened now I don't know what I would do. Being less than 2 months in wasn't great either, but I would die if it happened within weeks of homecoming. You have all of the excitement around you and make preparations for their arrival only for this to happen? THIS ISN'T FAIR! How many wives are going on without husbands? Children without fathers? Parents without children? None of it is fair. I wish it would all go away.
When I finally made the connection of who it was I just cried. Cried for him, his wife, and family. Cried because it reopened the wound of those feelings. Cried because I know what she's going to have to do in a few days. It hurts. It's such an indescribable pain and I can't handle hearing about more of these men dying. It breaks my heart all over again. Is it ever going to end? One was one too many and it's what fifteen now? That's ridiculous. It may not seem like a lot, but that is fifteen families that have to live through a nightmare. A nightmare that so many people hope and pray that they never have to live.
Not to mention what it does to their fellow Marines/brothers. They will live with this for the rest of their lives. I tell you what Marines are special people for everything they do and knowing what it does to them. Everyone thinks when they get home it's all "good in the hood." Wrong. I remember the struggles Josh had after Iraq and you know its going to be twice as bad with the guys coming home from Afghanistan. They're going to struggle mentally and emotionally with this for who knows how long. The pain of losing a brother. They really are a family and losing a fellow Marine is a hard hit. The guys who are discharged that found out are just as devastated. This battalion is one big family and it hits everyone involved. I'm sure there is some idiot saying "thank God it's not me," but you know that its one hell of a hit on everyone- Marines, wives/girlfriends/fiances, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters. Everyone.
American Citizens- I sure hope you thank God everyday for the freedoms you have and for those that give their lives so you have them. Take a second and think about it. Be thankful for what you have and for the brave men that gave you that right. Don't EVER take that freedom for granted. Ever.
Even though Josh isn't here I still have this Marine family to lean on. We'll all get through it together and will forever have a bond. This deployment is one for the books and one that none of us will ever forget.
Ryan- Rest in Peace Marine, you've done your job well.
"If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines."