Sunday, January 30, 2011

Bad Night Hangover

Last night- AWFUL.

Oh my God. I haven't had a night that bad in a while. I don't know if it's so many things building up or what. I laid in bed until after 5 this morning crying at everything. I'm not even sure what brought in on. I was laying in bed, on my side. I rolled over and it's like I could see you there, but it was just empty. Before I knew it the tears were rolling down my face. I was looking at pictures. I can't look at them anymore. To see your smile and how happy we were kills me. I listened to the voice mails in my phone just so I could hear your voice. Just to hear you say "I love you baby." Then I rolled over again and saw that urn with a folded up flag. That's really what I get? Thanks, God.

Then, as previously mentioned, the day after a night like that just isn't good. I'm so tired and out of it. I laid in bed for a majority of the day because I couldn't even function. I slept a lot. Sometimes, like this weekend, I just can't do it. I honestly can't even describe how bad last night was. I was texting people frantically needing someone to listen (which gets rather difficult to find someone awake at 3 am). On the phone at the middle of the night (4 am to be exact) just screaming about everything. I put on my front during the day and I can force a smile for everyone to see. It's nights. Long nights like that that I absolutely dread.

Today I feel defeated. Like the grief and the pain of losing you has consumed my life. I hurt and bad. I know what it is. It's homecoming. I have to go face it and see that you aren't coming home. In a way I've convinced myself that you're coming home in the hearts of those guys. At the same time I'm angry. Angry that I have waited so long for this and it no longer means anything. Jealous that everyone else is happy except me. And just flat out hurt.  

The thing about dealing with this is the pain gets physical. That's whats happening now. It's taking over me to the point where I can't function. I should have known I was in for it when I kept forcing myself to sleep yesterday. I knew what I was in for and as long as I force myself to sleep I can avoid it. Last night there was no avoiding it. It was coming whether I wanted it to or not. I can't focus on school work. Hell, I can't even get out of bed. A lot of people have never felt a pain that's so bad. My heart hurts- literally. It's weird how that pain just takes over your whole body. And what do you do? How in the world do you fix that? (All of you saying time, keep it to yourself at the moment)

Tomorrow is a new day. I have to pick myself up and keep pushing. I know I can do it, but sometimes it just consumes me. I was talking to someone today and they said how much better I have gotten since this happened. I know that's true, it's just so hard to believe that when you have a 48 hours like I just had. If you can see me right now I hope you're not disappointed, but sometimes I can't help it. I just fall apart. I know it breaks your heart to see me cry and to hurt. I try so hard to be strong for you and I can't do it all the time. At least these nights have lessened. Lately though they seem to be getting more frequent.

"You can do it, babe." I know. Sometimes I just feel like I can't physically, mentally, or emotionally handle any more. But in all honestly- I don't have a choice. I need you..

1 comment:

  1. I'm in flow blown tears after reading this. Completely broke my heart. I'm so sorry hun.. A part of getting back to "better" {whatever that is} is having breakdowns though. You don't always need to be strong. It's ok to cry. If you need anything feel free to contact me.

    Praying for you..