Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Readjusting

Well, today is back to the grind.  School started again and I don't know how I feel about it yet.  It's nice having something to do, but at the same time it was good to have some me time.  I needed that.  I needed the break from everything.  I stayed pretty busy over break so I didn't have a ton of time to think.  After last semester I was exhausted mentally, physically, and most definitely emotionally.  However, the past four weeks went way faster than any four weeks during the semester.  I guess it always feels that way.

Right now I just don't feel ready to go back and I don't have a choice.  After this happened I threw myself right back into school only 2 weeks later.  It was probably good that I did, but at the same time I never really got the time to myself to take it all in and grieve a little.  It catches up with me sometimes because it's a constant push between school full time, two jobs, and coaching.  Busy bee I tell ya.

Last night was a pretty rough night.  The crying so hard you feel like your head it just going to explode kinda night.  I felt so alone for the first time in a little while.  Over the weekend, well Friday/Saturday, I had everyone around me.  I was able to relax for a while and just laugh a little and when I needed to cry, someone was there to give me a hug and say it will be okay.  Until I got home I didn't realize how much I missed that in my life.  It makes it a little easier when you have someone there like that.  It took no time for me to realize it either and it made coming home that much harder.  I know I'll be fine and I'm still in that constant adjustment phase, it just bums me out. 

Being alone is not fun whatsoever.  I don't know how people live their entire life alone.  I guess everyone is different, but one thing I have learned is it's definitely not for me.  I can hear it now, "Just relax babe."  I try, I really do, but good God this gets rough.  Not to mention still wanting the past and knowing you can't have it.  I'm still trying to figure my life out and it's a scary thing.  When you have a plan for so long and suddenly you don't know.  Someone told me yesterday, "Dying is the easy part, living is what's hard."  I never thought of that before.  It is true though to an extent.  This is just another obstacle in life (a rather large one) and we have to find ways to overcome it.  I'm still learning and healing everyday.  It's taking its sweet time that's for sure.  I just keep hoping that someday it's going to get better, which reminds me of a Justin Beiber song I heard recently (not usually a fan, but it's pretty legit).



(And i pray)
I just can't sleep tonight,
knowing that things ain't right.
It's in the papers, it's on the TV,
it's everywhere that i go.

Children are crying, soldiers are dying,
some people don't have a home.

But i know there's sunshine behind that rain,
I know there's good times behind that pain (hey)
Can you tell me how i can make a change?

I close my eyes, and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and pray.

I close my eyes and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and pray.

I lose my appetite, knowing kids starve tonight
Am I a sinner? Cause half my dinner,
Is still there on my plate.
Ooh i got a vision, to make a difference,
and it's starting today.

Cause i know there's sunshine beyond that rain,
I know there's good times beyond that pain

Heaven tell me i can make a change.

I close my eyes, and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and pray.

I close my eyes and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and

I pray for the broken-hearted,
I pray for the life not started.
I pray for all the ones not breathing,
I pray for all the souls in need.
I pray, can you give em one today?

I just can't sleep tonight,
Can someone tell me how to make a change?

I close my eyes, and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and pray, (Ooh)
I close my eyes and i can see a better day,
I close my eyes and i pray, (ooh)
I pray, I pray
I close my eyes and pray

1 comment:

  1. That's a beautiful song. And for the record, I think he would be proud of the way you are handling everything, you have endless poise and grace and your strength amazes me.

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