For the last (at least I hope so) big bump in the road- homecoming. Advon arrived back and it hurt more than I realized. Allllllll of these statuses and updates took over my news feed and it broke my heart. I can tell how excited everyone is and it's getting so close. I want to be excited. I want to be making homecoming signs. I want to go shopping for a new outfit. I want to feel that nervous excited. BUT I don't feel any of it. No signs. No new outfit. No good feelings. Nothing.
I am going to go. I don't know how I will react other than tears. I need to prepare myself mentally to go through it. I know that it won't be easy, but I have to go. If I don't I can keep convincing myself that you're just away. You would want me to go and I think you'll be proud of me if I do. I fully intend on making a friend of yours go with me. I can't be alone and I need them to be there. All be darned if I'm going to watch all of these girls run to their boyfriends/fiances/husbands and stand there alone. Not going to happen. Someones gotta take one for the team and let me cry with them.
Other than all of the crap feelings, I'm excited to see your friends. To be close to them, talk to them. I think it'll help. Maybe after all of this I'll have a little feeling of peace or closure. What do I feel now? A lot of pain and anger. I'm so happy for everyone, but it almost eats me alive. Seeing everyone so happy and excited and knowing they are getting their guys back hurts so bad. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them. At the same time- It makes me bitter, jealous, and angry. I hate that I have those feelings. That I block my news feed so I can't see things anymore and push away every sign of happy homecomings. I want a happy homecoming too and I'm not going to get it. What did I ever do to not deserve it? Cause I know of people cheating and doing allllll kinds of crap back here that they shouldn't be and they're getting their homecoming. Why is that? I swear to God some people ask for this life and the ones that have to live it sure as hell don't deserve it.
I would give anything to feel this again..
[Photos Courtesy of Jill Mills]
I just want to feel that again. To be back in your arms.
Completely and totally heartbroken..