Friday, January 7, 2011

Gearing Up

For the last (at least I hope so) big bump in the road- homecoming.  Advon arrived back and it hurt more than I realized.  Allllllll of these statuses and updates took over my news feed and it broke my heart.  I can tell how excited everyone is and it's getting so close.  I want to be excited. I want to be making homecoming signs. I want to go shopping for a new outfit.  I want to feel that nervous excited.  BUT I don't feel any of it.  No signs. No new outfit. No good feelings.  Nothing.

I am going to go.  I don't know how I will react other than tears.  I need to prepare myself mentally to go through it.  I know that it won't be easy, but I have to go.  If I don't I can keep convincing myself that you're just away.  You would want me to go and I think you'll be proud of me if I do.  I fully intend on making a friend of yours go with me.  I can't be alone and I need them to be there.  All be darned if I'm going to watch all of these girls run to their boyfriends/fiances/husbands and stand there alone.  Not going to happen.  Someones gotta take one for the team and let me cry with them.

Other than all of the crap feelings, I'm excited to see your friends.  To be close to them, talk to them.  I think it'll help.  Maybe after all of this I'll have a little feeling of peace or closure.  What do I feel now?  A lot of pain and anger.  I'm so happy for everyone, but it almost eats me alive.  Seeing everyone so happy and excited and knowing they are getting their guys back hurts so bad.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them.  At the same time- It makes me bitter, jealous, and angry.  I hate that I have those feelings.  That I block my news feed so I can't see things anymore and push away every sign of happy homecomings.  I want a happy homecoming too and I'm not going to get it.  What did I ever do to not deserve it? Cause I know of people cheating and doing allllll kinds of crap back here that they shouldn't be and they're getting their homecoming.  Why is that?  I swear to God some people ask for this life and the ones that have to live it sure as hell don't deserve it.

I would give anything to feel this again..
[Photos Courtesy of Jill Mills]




















I just want to feel that again.  To be back in your arms.


Completely and totally heartbroken..

6 comments:

  1. Chrissy, I want you to know that you will not be alone! I know all the Jacksonville girls will band together and go with you if you want us to. Praying for you girl.

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  2. I am a new follower, and your are such a strong woman! There will be others by your side, and you won't be alone. I will never forget my husband's first homecoming when I had a newborn in my arms, and a Gold Star mom came up to me. I just wanted to give her a hug. I wish I could give you a hug!

    ~Holly

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  3. We don't know one another, and i can't say that i know what you are going through. But i admire your strength Chrissy. i read your blog often and cry because i don't think i could EVER handle it as well as you. yes, you have every right to break down and sleep all day or do whatever you want to help ease the pain now and then. it doesn't make you weak, it makes you a human with emotions and feelings. but all in all, you seem to be doing well with everything. i hope that homecoming goes okay for you. and that someday, you find someone who can make you happy again, not to replace Josh, but to help you live your life like he would want you to. to have a family and be happy. good luck, i'll be praying for you!

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  4. I agree with Andrea, if you need us there we're there Chrissy. I'll gladly come stand by your side. You're such an amazing and strong woman. Praying for you.

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  5. Bring someone to hold you up and wear WHATEVER you feel like wearing. I guarantee nobody expects anything of you.

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  6. new follower to your blog, all i can say is you have taken this like such a wonderful STRONG woman. i have no idea what it feels like, i cant relate to you in any way, but your strength and courage to continue truly amazes me. My Marine isn't deployed and never has been, but the simple thought haunts me, i cant imagine how i would live with him so far away. thank you for sharing your story, i'm sure its no where near easy. May God continue to give you strength and peace in your heart. i'll keep you in my prayers!

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