Thursday, October 14, 2010

Drained

Living this life is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels.  I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster ride and it's the craziest thing.  I can go from being okay and laughing then in second have tears rolling down my face.  Really- I just want it to go away.  I want my life back. I want you back.

As time goes on I get increasingly more frustrated with things. For one- the stupid things that people do to abuse the system.  If anything came of that blood boiler, you are a true hero.  You didn't walk away from your guys; you stood by them, knowing the risks and willing did your job.  I cannot even begin to tell you the mass amount of pain I feel, but at the same time, my heart just completely swells with pride.  I am so proud of you, more than you will ever know.

It just breaks my heart to live the rest of my life without you.  I have never in my whole life felt so alone and empty as I do now without you.  I can still feel you around me, but I am terrified that one day I am not going to have that feeling anymore.  Scared I am going to forget the things you did or said, forget the way you hugged me or kissed me, even the way you used to pick on the things I would do.  I don't want it to go away.  I want it to come back.  Thing is- I can't bring it back.  I can't do a damn thing about it and it drives me crazy. 

You know how much of a planner I am and right now my life is in a million pieces.  I don't even know where to start putting it back together.  I HATE not having a plan and for the past 5 years all of my plans included you.  Now what?  It's like if I could just talk to you one more time so you could tell me.  Where do I go, what do I do?  I don't know.  I have not a damn clue. 

Being here without you is driving me crazy and I hate it. 

By the way, I watched p.s. I love you the other night.  I remember watching that movie with you.  As I half-watched it again things made more sense to me.  One part really struck me though as I was doing my homework and I heard something.. It was the last letter.

"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you"

Those are things you would tell me.  I wasn't even paying attention to that movie and for some reason I heard that, put my textbook down, and looked at the tv.  Maybe, just maybe, you were trying to tell me something.  I have your love in my heart and it gets me through the day.. knowing how much you love me and the type of life you want me to have.  And you left me with something- your strength. 

I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it for you.

Forever and a day,
Chrissy

Oh, here's how I'm feeling today-

I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Chrissy that line about seeing yourself through his eyes from the movie... the whole quote really is so touching and I bet that was your boy trying to tell you the same thing :)

    Praying for you pretty girl.

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