Our time together wasn't long enough, but I tell you what, these last 7 weeks have felt like an eternity.
7 whole weeks.
I feel like I haven't talked to you in a lifetime and I want to so badly. There are so many things I want to tell you right now and I just want you to make it all better for me. I got spoiled in the last 5 years because you fixed everything for me. You were a lot more than just a boyfriend to me. I don't think a lot of people understand that. Really after everything that has already happened in my life, you were always there for me no matter what. Regardless of the situation I always had you in my corner. Now that corner is feeling pretty empty.
I hate being alone. I can't call you crying or angry just to get "it'll be okay babe." I have nothing. Really where do you even turn in a time like this? When it comes down to people understanding I have your marine friends (who I've inherited as a bunch of big brothers and talk to them like I've known them for years), the marine girls, and without a doubt Rachel, Kai-lee, and Lauren. I feel so bad because people want to help, but you can't really make this better. And if you aren't close to the situation (military affiliated) you still don't have much of an idea as to how this feels. It'd be nice though if someone could just take this away.
The weird feeling is you can be in a room full of people, laughing and having a good time, but within a matter of seconds that void hits you like a train. I've just been a mess today and I'm not so sure people understand when I fall apart. I'm currently sitting in my office with my crazy curly hair (you should probably appreciate that part even though its reflecting my laziness today :p) in my sweats, and tears in my eyes. I really would like to go back to my bed because I feel a lot better when people aren't looking at me and not knowing what to say.
The past 24 hours have been one of the worst since this happened. I don't know what is is with Thursdays, but ever since Thursday September 2nd, its my worst day of the week. I really need to like find a way to just skip over that part of the week. Maybe it'd make things easier and that would be one less day that I have to live my life without you.
Everyone swears up and down it'll get better, but how can it? I'm going to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Sure, I'll live my life, but I'm always going to wonder what could have been with me and you.
The crappy part? I'll never know.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
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chrissy, i dont know you and i didnt really know josh, just of him. but i have read everyone of your blogs, and it wrenchs at my heart. im not going to tell you what everyone else already has a million times because i know it doesnt do any good in a situation like this, because like you said. it doesnt take your pain away. its nice to hear and know that people want to help and they try but nothing really pulls you out of a situation like this.
ReplyDeletesometimes when i read your blog, i cry. my heart aches. in a round about way i know how you feel though. i have a strong respect for the military and the marines the most. my best friend is 600 miles away on camp lejeune. i have many friends in the marines because of that. and im not sure why, but things like this, and looking at pictures and what not tear me apart.
i really truly am sorry you lost josh and your life wont be the same. but i have so much respect for you. i admire your strength and how you try to pull through everything. i cant even put into words exactly what i want to say