Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"You know you can put on a smile"

Yeah.  Someone told me that today.  Had it not been someone grading me, I may have come back with a smart comment.

I mean really?!  Everyone knows exactly what is going on with me, including her.  Until today I thought I had been putting on a pretty good front, but evidently not good enough.  I think I do an okay job of putting on my face and getting through each day.  What people don't know is what happens when i'm alone.

I've been thinking about you all day today.  I miss all of the little things you used to do.  I miss being woken up at 5 am just to hear I love you.  I miss you telling me I can do anything I want when I put my mind to it.  I miss hearing "Christina Marie" when I was usually in trouble. I miss calling you on my way to school and usually getting yelled at for my driving. I miss fighting with you.  I miss your laugh. I miss my rock.  I miss you always being there.

I feel such a void in my life.  I try so hard to cover it all up and move on with my daily life, but I can't.  I've been doing this care package drive which has truly been amazing, but no matter what I still feel the same at the end of the day.  I hate every second of it.  I'm so incredibly hurt and angry I don't even know what to do with myself.  I'm so mad that my life was taken away from me faster than I can blink.  I'm hurt that I have to life my life without you.  I replay all the things we wanted to do in my head over and over again and it tears me apart.  What's even worse?  You will never have a chance at any of that.  I still have to live my life and you can't.  It's not fair.

I see so many people in this world and question time and time again why this had to be you.  Why not some worthless piece of shit sitting in jail?  I'm so sick and tired of the "only the good die young" speech.  It's irritating.  Why should the good die young?  It's an effed up logic if you ask me. 

And you know.  I'm so angry that more and more families have to keep going through this.  There have been what like 12 people in the last few days?  Wtf is up with that?  I know how awful this is and I don't want a single person to have to do this.

Today I ate lunch with my sixth graders and they asked what my bracelet was.  It's your memorial bracelet, so I briefly told them what happened and started talking about something else.  As we were walking out of the lunchroom one of the girls approached me and said "so and so (can't say names) wanted me to tell you she knows how you feel, her dad died there."  That just tore me into a million pieces.  An 11 year old girl dealing with this?  Sickening.  Then again here I am at 20.  Unfair.

Completely unfair.

I really just want my life back because so far I'm hating my new one. 

Jokes over.  Can I have you back now?

2 comments:

  1. Chrissy, I know we don't know each other, but over the past couple of days I've been reading what you write. It is incredibly unfair that Josh was taken from you. You have every single damn right to be angry. But even though he is not here with you living the life you two planned together doesn't mean he's not with you. When the sun rises, he is there. When the wind blows across your face, he is there. When a tear falls down your cheek, he is there. He is with you every step of every day. Whatever plans he had in life you can do for him. I know its not the same, but I lost my first son. I remember those last few minutes holding him in my arms, and thinking why God, why?!? We wont know that question until its our time. Its not fair and its not right. But he wants you to keep living life. Its going to be incredibly hard. Some days your not gonna want to get out of bed. But you will find the strength. You are already a strong, brave women. You just have to remind yourself, every day, every minute, and every second.....You can do this. You have too, for him. Surround yourself with family and friends. I pray for you everyday. If you ever need someone to cry with or talk to just message me.

    KRISTI WHITAKER

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  2. Hugs to you lovely girl!! This is a super shitty road we walk, and I wish that no one ever had to know it. I'm 3 years out and there are still many days that I'm angry with the way my life is going, it's honestly not fair. I hate that others that have no clue of what we are feeling, dare to say things like "you know you can put on a smile." It takes the world to get up and function, and the fact that you do, and you try your hardest to make it through, should be enough. Just brush that person off, don't let them bother you. There will be plenty of them along this road, and you just have to brush off their ignorance, and live life for you. Hang in there, I know it's tough, but you can do it!!

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