Yeah. Someone told me that today. Had it not been someone grading me, I may have come back with a smart comment.
I mean really?! Everyone knows exactly what is going on with me, including her. Until today I thought I had been putting on a pretty good front, but evidently not good enough. I think I do an okay job of putting on my face and getting through each day. What people don't know is what happens when i'm alone.
I've been thinking about you all day today. I miss all of the little things you used to do. I miss being woken up at 5 am just to hear I love you. I miss you telling me I can do anything I want when I put my mind to it. I miss hearing "Christina Marie" when I was usually in trouble. I miss calling you on my way to school and usually getting yelled at for my driving. I miss fighting with you. I miss your laugh. I miss my rock. I miss you always being there.
I feel such a void in my life. I try so hard to cover it all up and move on with my daily life, but I can't. I've been doing this care package drive which has truly been amazing, but no matter what I still feel the same at the end of the day. I hate every second of it. I'm so incredibly hurt and angry I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm so mad that my life was taken away from me faster than I can blink. I'm hurt that I have to life my life without you. I replay all the things we wanted to do in my head over and over again and it tears me apart. What's even worse? You will never have a chance at any of that. I still have to live my life and you can't. It's not fair.
I see so many people in this world and question time and time again why this had to be you. Why not some worthless piece of shit sitting in jail? I'm so sick and tired of the "only the good die young" speech. It's irritating. Why should the good die young? It's an effed up logic if you ask me.
And you know. I'm so angry that more and more families have to keep going through this. There have been what like 12 people in the last few days? Wtf is up with that? I know how awful this is and I don't want a single person to have to do this.
Today I ate lunch with my sixth graders and they asked what my bracelet was. It's your memorial bracelet, so I briefly told them what happened and started talking about something else. As we were walking out of the lunchroom one of the girls approached me and said "so and so (can't say names) wanted me to tell you she knows how you feel, her dad died there." That just tore me into a million pieces. An 11 year old girl dealing with this? Sickening. Then again here I am at 20. Unfair.
I really just want my life back because so far I'm hating my new one.
Jokes over. Can I have you back now?