Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Old Stuff

It's been a few days since I have been on here.  Things have been pretty rough lately.  Sunday was just not a good day.  I spent some time with your parents and found some more things out.  It's just so hard to hear.  I swore to myself I wasn't going to cry when I went there this time and yeah, that lasted maybe 15 minutes.  The Steelers played Sunday too and it was the game we went to last Christmas:

Earlier though I found some things.  First was my old cell phone.  As I sat there in tears flipping through old text messages I came across one with sound attached.  I pressed play.. It was you and Hart singing my best friend to me at one in the morning.  Those tears suddenly became a smile and a laugh.  As much as it hurts- the one thing I know in my heart is that you did love me and almost every memory of you has some sort of smile/laugh attached to it.

Like my birthday cards for instance.

The first one I came across you were just so proud of.  It had a dog in a purse on the front (since you picked on me for putting daisy in one and making you carry her in it :) and the inside said "It's your birthday, You're entitled to be a bitch."  I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud.  I can't control my bitchiness sometimes and you of all people know that.

But the next two really just warmed my heart..

"This comes to wish you happiness because your birthday's here, but all the special love it brings is yours all through the years. This comes to thank you for warm memories, the closeness that we share, and all the loving things you do that tell me that you care. Happy Birthday, I love you"

And my favorite..

"When you've got someone beside you, someone strong, caring, supportive, and loving, well, I'm here to tell you- the hard times are easier, the easy times are sweeter, and the sweet times... well, they just make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven.  Baby that's just how it feels having you beside me.. I love that feeling- and I love you. Happy Birthday."

I would do anything to hear those words again.  Just to feel your arms around me.  When you left me at the airport 12 weeks ago, I had no idea that was the last time you would pull me back in to hold me, the last time to kiss me on the forehead promising it would be okay, and the last time I would watch you drive away.  I thought it was the last time I would have to say "see you later," but I had no clue it would be this.  I keep replaying that trip to J-vegas in my head over and over again.  Not even thinking that was going to be it for us.  If anything- I'm glad the last times I did spend with you were amazing and nothing can take those memories away from me.  Not even this.

My heart hurts.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you've found tangible reminders of Josh's love for you. You should take them out & page through them whenever you need to, until they're well-worn at the edges. He loves you still.