Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just when you think it can't get worse

I'm blog happy today just because it's been such a shit day.

I got your box back.  Talk about another reality check.

I really do not know how I'm going to keep doing this.  Being a "war widow" is the worst thing someone could ever go through.  Really right now?  I'm 20 years old!  As if my life hasn't been hard enough this happens to me.  I swear to God I have had the worst 20 years out of anyone I know.  Today I should be happy.. we would be half way done with this deployment and we'd be on our way to starting our Marine Corps free life.  Now when February rolls around.  Instead of getting you back and getting my "rock"  I get nothing.  Wtf is up with that? 

I just want you back in my life.  I lost such a huge part of me and I have no freaking clue how to live without it.  I watched the Steeler game and it hurts more and more every time when I can't give you my full report/analysis on the games.  I keep looking at my facebook and seeing your chat box in the right hand corner and I just keep thinking maybe it'll light up again.  I know it won't, but I refuse to close it.

I'm so angry that there are girls back here cheating on their husbands/boyfriends and not giving a crap about what happens.  But you better believe they're 100% alive and well.  Yeah, that's real fair.  Really God, get your priorities  straight.  Just wait Joshua when I'm on my way to the pearly gates I'm bitching thee entire way up (cause I know you probably miss that oh so much).  Me and God are gonna have a very looooooooooooooong chit chat when I get there.

To top it off I've inherited "widow brain" as it has been deemed by others.  I cannot remember anything these days and it becomes more and more obvious everyday.  You know how I am.. I color code my freaking organizer for each class!  But now, I can't remember a damn thing.  Ask the people I work with.  I screw stuff up all the time and it's really starting to make me mad.  Someone will talk to me and I forget instantly, I don't remember how to do things or go places.  Talk about annoying.

Well.  Me and my bitchy self need to do some homework that I will probably just look at.  I know, I know, "Christina Marie, what did I tell you?  Worry about school." I got it babe don't worry.


  1. This post initially made me sad but I couldn't help but giggle about the bitching, remembering our convo we had about it not too long ago. Lots of love to you boo.

  2. Chrissy, your honestly amazing. i know im young to and m and my boyfriend have only been together a year, but he is in the army also. and i cannot even start to picture what my life would be like without him. You are one of the strongest people i have eer had the plessure of meeting. Me and josh werent that close but he was close to my family, and as much as i miss him i know you miss him so much more, but i would just like to tell you, you are my ideal. i wish i could get through some of the things you can. i give up. BUt, if you ever need anything, im here. and i hope when nick gets deployed in june, you'll be there for me as well. Your in my thoughts and prayers<3

  3. dear Chrissy,

    I am so sorry for your lose. I came accross your blog from a wife of 3/6 lima, i myself am an ex wife of 3/6 lima. I know I have no idea what your going throu, but I feel for you so much. When I was going throu my divorce I felt the same way with my plans for the future, Lost/confused hurt, annoyed bc I didnt have a say in my divorce, while I was being faithful and at home being a mom, he was out with random girls... I wish you didnt have to go throu this. From what you say Josh was one of the great guys, the few honest and faithful that there are.
    A few weeks before you lost Josh, I lost my older brother to cancer, he was in the army when he was younger. I wondered and still do why God takes the good and not the bad. I still cant answer that question, but i do know this, no one can take your memories from you, no one can take your pictures or love. Hold dear to the things that you have to remind you, thats the one thing God can not take.
    Keep strong, from what I read, Josh would have wanted you to be happy and strong.

  4. Dear Chrissy... I am so sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. I am sure every one has told you all the cliches, 'it's a process, it will get better with time.
    All I can say is I will keep you in my prayers. I can truly relate to your 'shaking your fist at God'- been there, done that...Please try to keep your faith, it WILL see you thru, even on your darkest days.
    God bless,
    Donna in NYC