You knew

As I look back on the time before you left, more and more things are becoming apparent to me.  Especially after talking to Hart yesterday.  It's all slowly, but surely, making sense.  All along I had a bad feeling about this deployment- you knew that.  I remember talking to people about it and I even told someone "I don't know, I have bad visions of getting a folded up flag."

No person wants to think they may be the one getting a knock on their front door.  So even though these fears rested in the back of my mind, I went on with it thinking it couldn't be me.  Things were too perfect and everything was going as planned.  The deployment started and I was ready to go, we were going to do this.

Low and behold it was us and all of those fears came true.  I think back to things you told me and things I told you.  I cried and cried that night before I left Jacksonville.  Without saying anything you said "is that what you've been afraid of this whole time" all I blurted out was "I don't want you to die."  You pulled me closer and told me it would be okay.  But you knew it wasn't okay.

Even that next morning at the airport.  I remember the countless 'see you laters' and all the times I went running back into your arms.  But that morning at the airport, you made me come back.  I cried that whole day when every one tried their hardest telling me that it would be okay and I kept saying "Do you know what I did today? I might not see him again."

Thinking of those things now drives me crazy.  There is so much more but not enough time to write it all.  As I think about these things it was like one red flag after another.  For some reason we neglected them at the time.  I really should have broken your legs when I had the chance.  We knew.  You did, I did.

I know this now because you even made sure there was one person to be there for me.  Before you left here for that crap hole you made sure that if this did happen, someone was going to take care of me.  Is it a hard reality to face?  Yep. And at the same time, it's just another reminder of how much you loved me.