Monday, September 6, 2010

Had a Dream

I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird. I had a dream you were home, but we all still knew what was going to happen. I remember telling you this doesn't feel real and you said it isn't yet and gave me a hug.
I forgot to tell you the other night at the football game I was holding little Alaina and it broke my heart that you will never be able to have kids of your own. I hate the fact that all of our plans are just gone and I can't get them back. I hope there is another life and we get a chance at this again. Regardless, I have to live the rest of this life without you. That means nothing though. It won't change how I feel and you will always be in my mind.
My heart hurts more than you know. I have so many unanswered questions and I would give anything to have you back. I just have no idea how I am ever going to move on with my life. I know you would want me to be happy, but it is so hard. I am always going to think what coulda, shoulda, woulda been. You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my best friend. I don't know if I will ever find that sort of comfort again. I hate feeling as if my whole is in 50 million pieces and I am left to pick them all back up. I find some comfort in knowing that you may be able to guide me in my decisions and push me to do the right things for the rest of my life.
I love you so much and I hope you know that.

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I cant even breathe...It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background. Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now, This can't be happening to me.. This is just a dream.


  1. I want so badly to bear some of this hurt. You are beautiful and strong and this isn't a pain you should ever have to know. You don't have to have the answers right now. .Just take one day at a time, one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time, one tear at a time, and one step at a time.

    Know that we are all here right behind you to give you all of the support and encouragement and love we possibly can. He was a hero and his sacrifice will NEVER be forgotten

  2. Chrissy, my friend's father died... and he came to her in dreams. Not sure if you believe that or not, but listen to what he has to say, that could really be him talking to you!

    Love you lots, I'm glad you started this up for you, and for him!

  3. I have been praying every night God gives me some of your pain so that you can breathe a little easier.. My heart is truly broken for you.. Im glad your writting him.. and thank you for letting us into you life.. Were all here for you girl!

  4. That shoulda coulda woulda's are the very hardest. I torture myself with them on the reg, even though I know logically I "can't" think that way, it doesn't stop it. We will probably, for the rest of our lives, wonder what could have been. You are not alone, not by a long chance. Unfortunately there are so many others of us out there, but finding fellow widsters will definitely help build your strength. Have you gotten involved in AWP or TAPS yet? They are both great orgs to help get in touch with other widows. Many many hugs to you and know that I'm always here if ever you need to talk (just leave me a comment or shoot me an email!)