2011 in a Nutshell

Well, I made it!  I survived a whole year without my love by my side.   It had its ups and downs, but in the end I'm still here and standing.  It's crazy to think.. an entire year.  A full year too.. homecoming, memorial service, congressional record, blog awards.. not too shabby!

Christmas came and went and I did pretty well.  By the end of Christmas day I had one of my infamous meltdowns about Josh being gone.. it was a little rough.  I at least had someone with me to just hold me and let me cry about it.  When it comes down to it its better to get it out then to hold it in.  I still like to think I can be tough and hold it, buttttt that usually doesn't work well.  The holidays are always harder and the void is a little larger than usual.  It's a good time to remember and that usually leads to my tears.  It's getting better though.. a little at a time.

My 2011 started off with this in February:

The homecoming that was supposed to be mine, but wasn't.  It was a rough day.  In the end it was something I needed to do for myself.  Face the harsh realities of war.  I remember that feeling.. almost an out of body experience.  Standing there watching girls run into their husbands/boyfriends/fiances arms while I stood back with tears in my eyes.  It sucked.  For some reason though it was comforting like he was there with them.

The memorial service followed homecoming and it was just as hard.  Lots of tears and that hour felt like an eternity.  All of the families of the fallen along with 2/9 joined together to remember each hero and their sacrifice.  It was really well done and I was so proud to be there.

Shortly after, in March to be exact, something changed in my  life.  Blog people.. This is Jeff

Jeff's the "new guy" around these parts.  Not officially a boyfriend because, well, I'm a pain in the ass and being a widow makes me whacky.  I still have a really hard time thinking about cancelling my Facebook relationship with Josh and letting go of the fact that he was my boyfriend for so long and supposed to be my husband someday. 

Anyways, Jeff is a good guy.  He's really patient with me and my hesitation to move on even though we both know that I have to at some point.  He understands and respects the fact that Josh was and always will be a part of my life.  He doesn't get mad when I talk about it.. just listens and offers a word when he can.  He holds me when I want to cry and calms me down in the end.  He knows when I'm holding back tears and is the first one to say just let it out.  I really can't complain.

It's been a big help to have someone there when I need them and to put a smile back on my face.  It's crazy to think about how much changes in a short period of time, but in the end I have to be thankful.  My biggest fear after Josh died was being alone for the rest of my life.. that no one would want me because I was already taken or I'm "broken" now.  It's comforting to know that people do look past that and even though something so tragic happened in my life it won't consume me forever. 

I know that even though it felt like a part of me died when Josh did that I can let that take over my life completely.  There's time to mourn and to heal and at some point to move forward.  I know that Josh would never want me to live my life like a hermit crab and alone.  He never wanted that for me.  Who would want that?

It's still very difficult to be with.   Allowing myself to be close with someone else takes it tolls some days.  There are days when it's okay and days when I'm freaking out and can't do it.  Life as a widow I suppose.  It's hard.. for him too.  Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with it because I can be a real crazy person, but he manages.  It'll all work out I suppose.

I'm not really sure what 2012 is going to have in store for me, but I hope some good things.  I'll graduate college in May and head out into the adult world.  After that I'm not sure.  Other than hoping to go on a trip next December.  I'll keep you all updated as I continue along my path.

Tomorrow would have been 6 years for me and Josh.  It seems like forever ago when he asked me out.  Crazy how things are so different and not how we imagined.  I think he'd be proud of where I am.  Standing with my head up and pushing through the days.  "That's my girl," is exactly what he would say <3

Have a safe and happy new year!

Holidays Take 2

Well here we are again.. new year.. new holidays.

So far it's gone pretty well.  Better than last year at least.  Holidays seem to strike a little harder because it's the time when you most want them back.  Everyone is happy and together then you are standing there thinking about the piece that is missing.  Heartbreak that's for sure.

This morning was okay.  Last year I spent with a lot of tears and in bed.  This year I stayed in bed but not so many tears.  For me I need the space and alone time to get myself together.  I gave myself a couple hours alone and I spent the rest of the day with people.

One thing I've noticed is Thanksgiving is easier than Christmas which  is followed by the new year.  I still haven't figured out how disastrous that will be this year.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  What I've learned through all of this and getting through Thanksgiving.. be thankful.  The whole point of the holiday.  I was guilty of not really caring.  Thanksgiving became 5 days of leave in my book and I lost sight of what's important.  Again.. learned the hard way.  Now I hope that people see what can happen and that you should take some time to be thankful for what you do have.

One of the most painful things sometimes is looking back and thinking "I should have done this or should have done that."  Truth is.. you can never go back.  Learning from your mistakes is part of life I guess.  Although I wish I could have learned this lesson some other way.

Even though this year is better than the last it's still that painful reminder of what's missing.  I'm an expert at blocking things out now. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but for now it works for me and I'm okay with that.  Slowly but surely I'm moving out of "survival" mode and getting life back on track.

At first living like a hermit sounded like a fantastic idea, but like I've said before, the rest of the world keeps on moving even though yours has stopped.  What kind of life would that be anyways?  Not one at all.  It's easy to cover up the pain most days and act like everything is okay.  Other days not so much.

Moving forward is still something I really struggle with.  Some days I think I'm ready and other days I completely freak out and panic about it.  I know I can't live my life with my urn and be happily ever after.. that's unrealistic.  It's just so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my future as I pictured for so long isn't going to happen anymore.  If I even thinking about changing my relationship status on facebook it brings tears to my eyes.  Yes, I know, it's just facebook; however, I know that once I let go of that I can't get it back.  I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm not ready for a lot of things really (even though sometimes I *think* I am.. it's not true haha).  It's helped me out to let someone into my life again.  It's just so so so difficult to admit to myself that what used to be isn't happening ever.  Right now I've set myself into this stubborn ass mode where I refuse to think about anything in the future.  I'm content just doing my thing and living my life.   Thinking of all the things I want to do and see before I settle into my hometowns get married, reproduce, and never leave trend.  Life in the backwoods repeats itself.

I mentioned a little before that someone did come into my life a few months ago.  I'm so thankful he's there for me and I still question why he puts up with all of my nonsense.  Seriously.. I wouldn't want to put up with me right now.  I'm so bi-polar about everything.  One minute I'm okay and the next I'm a basket case.  It really is ridiculous but I can't help it.  Going out in public still makes me cringe because in my mind it's still "Chrissy and Josh" and I feel like I'm cheating in a sense.  I know I'm really not, but that doesn't ease the thought in my mind.

Good grief this life will make you think you're a crazy person.  On a good note another day I survived and another holiday under my belt.  Onto the next one I guess.  At least this year I have a little glimmer of excitement when I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas music.  Baby steps..

ANYWAYS (because you know I always get sidetracked)..  I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving surrounded by family, friends, food and football.  If you haven't taken the time yet today, remind yourself of the great things in your life.  Focus on the good and what you are thankful for.  If anything.. forget the bad today and just enjoy what you have right in front of you.  Trust me.. it's worth it to take the time remembering the little things versus getting something taken away from you and looking back thinking the "I should haves."  Take it from someone who knows.

Happy Turkey Day!

Busy, Busy

I'm sorry blogging world!  I have been so busy I neglected my poor blog.  I feel bad so I came with a little update!

Josh's 23rd birthday was on October 1.  I did pretty well this year.  I was busy most of the day so that always helps.  I had the homecoming parade so I went out with friends that night and I got to spend some time with his family that day.  It's a comfort and a little reminder that he's always around.  I know he was most definitely celebrating up in the sky.

Lately I've been struggling with a lot of things.  Mostly anger.  Mad at him for leaving or things that happened in the past.  Mad with where my life is.  Have things gotten better?  Sure.  But I'm such a weirdo these days.  Honestly there are some days I don't know how anyone other than another widow puts up with me.  It's kinda ridiculous.

It's so hard to describe what you're feeling to other people.  I feel like I can never get through to them no matter what I say and they just don't understand things from my perspective.  It's so hard and frustrating sometimes.  I know it's probably worse for those who are putting up with me too.  Let me just tell you it's an odd life that we widows live.  Mrs. P posted on Facebook the other day about having a widow island and I think that is a fantastic idea!  Hopefully here soon I will get to go on an AWP Getaway to get to experience that a little bit.  I think it would help.

Right now I'm finishing up my last few weeks of classes before student teaching in November.  I started my Care Package Drive for a second year.  I'm a little disappointed it hasn't taken off as well as last year, but I've been so busy I haven't had much time.  Honestly though, I'll take whatever I can get and a little bit of donations is better than none.  I'm also really excited to be working with Operation Troop Appreciation out of Pittsburgh.  It is a great organization serving our deployed troops.  The  people there are amazing and so appreciative of everything.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.  The holidays are creeping up and when I see things in the stores I'm actually feeling a little bit of excitement again.  We'll see how I feel as it gets closer to the time.

I'm going to make a serious attempt to blog more often!  I miss my blog and I really need to get back on the bandwagon.  <3

PS:  A commenter has asked about my email.  You can find me here: chrissy8838@msn.com :)
Oh!  And check out the Letters to You page on Facebook!

Restarting the Cycle

Well here I am on year two making my way through everything once again without him by my side. It's weird thinking about it being the second year. For an entire year I relied on everything being "last year we did this.". It was somewhat of a comfort to hold onto that. Now there is nothing good to say about "last year."

A few days ago I was talking with someone and they mentioned wanting to go back a year. I instantly said yeah me too. Then I paused and thought about it. The next thing out of my mouth was no I take that back. I never want to feel the pain of that fresh wound ever again. I never want to live my life in a fog or on auto pilot, struggling through each day. No, thanks

The pain lives on each day and it never leaves. I still long for the past and I tear up when I think or talk about things that were special to us. All day everyday

The only positive is starting to slowly live life again remembering to appreciate every little thing. I'm so thankful for things that I have accomplished in the last year even with my heart completely broken and my body barely functioning. I know he would be so proud of me. He was always my biggest cheerleader and reminded me I could do anything that I set my mind to. Here I am about to start another care package drive, in my last semester of class about to was into student teaching (with a 3.8 I might add), still coaching and working. Busy as usual.

Being busy keeps me sane. I have less time to think and more time to keep pushing forward. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. A year ago it seemed impossible. Feeling so incredibly lost like a piece of you died along with your heart. I set into my second year with a still foggy, but somewhat clear, vision of what I need to do in life.

I have by no means moved on. Just last night I looked at the ring I had picked out. My eyes filled with tears thinking of what could have been. His 23rd birthday is this Saturday and I plan on celebrating it for him. Trust me.. He wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might let some balloons go with little messages. It's a comfort thing to make me feel connected in some way.

It would be nice to have another dream. I still haven't had another one nor can I remember what the last one was about. They just feel so real and that's all I have. Maybe he'll be feeling froggy this weekend and drop by. I'm not getting my hopes up it's just wishful thinking.

Well, cheers to 23, babe. And here's to me getting through round two.

I'm alive.

I survived a whole year.  It seems like it's been so much longer than that.  I had been dreading the 2nd for weeks, but I made it.

This year was pretty calm.  I once again woke to a beautiful morning.. no phone calls.  I got ready as my phone slowly started ringing more often with facebook updates and text messages.  I went to class.  I could hear people whispering behind me most of the day and I just kept praying the day would go fast so I didn't have to think about it anymore.  I went to lunch with my friends after our seminar and I had some errands to run that afternoon.  I found it easier to stay ridiculously busy so I wasn't moping around doing nothing. 

I went to the football game and I held it together.  I got that same feeling of a thousand eyes on me as I walked by.  Everyone knew what day it was.  It was a repeat of walking on eggshells when it came to talking to me or shying away.  I felt those same things last year.  I know people mean well and I am thankful for everyone's support.. Sometimes it's just an awkward feeling that I could never explain to anyone.  By the end of the game I was quiet.  I held it together all day and it was about to come crashing down.

I made it back to my house with one of my friends.  I walked into my kitchen and put all of my stuff down... Game over.  I lost it.  Hitting the one year mark signified so much.  I had done many of the things I did a year before that, but it was so very different.  My heart ached at the fact that so much time has gone by and he really isn't coming back.

Ever since that day everything has been weighing heaving on my heart and mind.  I've found myself thinking about it more frequently.  Longing to have my old life back more than I ever have along with the blunt reality that it's not going to happen. 

Two nights ago I had a dream and he was talking to me.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I woke up and just laid there.  Almost stunned.  It's been so long since I last had dream and not remembering what it was about was eating me alive.  I know they say dreams are just our imaginations or thoughts processing; however, I hold on to those dreams more than anything else in the world.  Even if it's not real I feel like he's talking to me and saying he's still there.

I really can't believe a year has gone by.  My whole life has drastically changed in a matter of 365 days.  A new future and outlook on life.. the same pains that it will never be what I once had.  I made it though.  A year ago getting through a week seemed nearly impossible.  I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive.  I remember saying a million times, "what am I supposed to do?"  I went into a survival mode.. almost like an auto-pilot.  Fighting through each day just to get up and fight through the next.

I'm stronger.  So much stronger than I was at the beginning.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  Those things have remained fairly steady in my life.  The best thing of it all?  Still being in love.  No matter what happens in life or who is taken from you too soon, you never stop loving them.  I think about him every single day and I'm so thankful to have had that kind of love in my life.  We were a perfect match and most people don't experience that in their lifetime.  I will always be thankful for that.

Well here we are on year two.  I'm not sure what this year will bring.  I'm out of "last years" and "firsts," but you never know what it will be like now.  What I do this year is I can survive it.  I can slowly start living my life again.  Easing some of the pain and enjoying the things I can do.  When Josh died, part of me died too.  At the same time.. part of me is still alive and he would never in a million years want me to throw my life away.  He wants me to live and I will.. just for him.

Inspiring

Me?  Inspiring?

As I went through my blog stats today.. looking at my readers pages and where my blog is shared I came across this: http://www.justmilitaryloans.com/round-ups/top-5-inspiring-military-spouse-blogs/

My blog is on there!  It really warmed my heart and it definitely made me smile.  To know that people find my words inspiring just makes me so happy.  When I started this blog I didn't know it's potential.  That I actually had the power to help other people and let those around me into my own life.  It's really a powerful thing.

I try to be honest, to put my feelings into perspective.  Cry, laugh, get angry.. it all comes out in my blog.  This is to tell our story, to talk to him, and learning to live again.  People don't always agree with me and that's fine.  I don't expect people to.  At the same time, this is my space.  For me to say whatever I please.

It's come a long way in the last 361 days.  I come here when I need to get something out and before I know it I have an entire post full of my thoughts.

It'll be a year in a few hours.  I like to think he's proud of me.  Proud of me for standing tall and pushing forward in life without him by my side.  I mean.. he's still here.  Not in the preferred form, but he would never ever leave me to fend for myself.

I know everyone says, "everything happens for a reason."  Maybe it is true.  Maybe I was destined for something in this lifetime and this is how it's being uncovered.  Granted I would prefer my old life, but I think I'm doing rather well considering the circumstances.

Finding that article today was just what I needed.  A little boost in my life to feel like I am actually making a difference.  After all.. making a difference has always been a goal in my life.  I am an education major you know.

I'm going to attempt sleep and hopefully I'll have some sweet dreams.  Stay with me tomorrow babe.  Love you always.

Clarification Annonymous Commentor

Then you are not reading what I said.  I admit.. ALL THE TIME that there are people that have it worse than I do.  I'm talking about people who have EVERYTHING, but it's not enough for them.  That people who act like life is so terrible.  What's so terrible?  Why do certain people complain about every single little thing?

Do people complain and get hurt and have problems?  Yes.  Everyone does and I know that.  And I know there are people who have it worse.  And I disagree.  I do think the loss of loved one could hurt more than other things.  And I'm sure there is plenty more about that. 

If you don't like what I write on my blog.. then don't read it.  I don't need negativity in my life.. Especially this week.  And if you're someone I know.. disappointed.  Don't twist my words.

Selfish People

Before I go into my famous "blog rants.."

Tonight I was at band night in at the fair with my majorettes and it brings back a lot of madness that happened last year.  Last year I left band night and went home.  The next morning I woke up to a 5 am phone call from trashcanistan.

"Hey baby," came across the line.  As much as I wanted to complain about it being 5 in the morning, I didn't.  I was perfectly fine with hearing the voice.  It was like a sigh of relief.  I was happy.  Until 26 hours or so later. 

I have become increasingly irritated lately with people who think their life is just so terrible.  Multiple facebook posts like they're going to make a point..

"If I find out who talked about me I'll kill them"

"Don't care about me.. nbd"

or my personal favorite..

"OMG FML"

Yeah.  Your life must be soooooooooo terrible.  No. You know what that screams?  Immature.  I'm sick of it.  I like to think my life is pretty hard, but I also know that there are people all around the world that have it a hell of a lot worse than I do.  I swear to God there are some people who think life is just so incredibly hard.  Maybe some people should step back for a second and think about that. Think about how lucky you really are.

I'm not trying to talk myself up at all.  That's not the point.  Lord knows I should have been a lot more thankful than I was in the past and I learned the hard way to really think about that one.  There are people dealing with things in this world that are so incredibly painful and difficult on a daily basis.  Cancer, illness, death, whatever.  Every. Single. Day.

I see all of these people.. happy, a family, an education, house, food, car.  Everything.  What else could you possibly want?  What is so bad?  Sure things in life are tough to get through.. relationships, your friends.  Everyone has problems.  But is it really that bad?  No, it's not.

I don't want to be one of those angry/jealous/bitter people.  It's just been super hard to not be the closer I get to Friday.  I can only push it away for so long and it's a definite "ready or not here I come."  I'm not ready.  Not at all.

I just had a complete meltdown.  I stopped crying for a few minutes only because I got out my phone and played some voice mails just to hear his voice.  Thursday will be a year since I talked to him last.  It's crazy.  Part of me feels like I'm going to forget and that scares me.  Like I keep getting further away from him and I can't go back.

Truth is I'll never go back, but I wish I could.  I wish every day that my life could be as good as it was.

I went back to school Monday.  As crazy as it sounds I love that I'm back.  Last year school was my outlet from life.  My cohort became a tight knit group of friends.  Everyday I would go into class and tell my table about some stupid thing someone said to me to get a good laugh.  They never treated me any different and they have helped me along the way.  I'm glad that I will spend part of my day with them Friday.  I'm so thankful for them and everyone else in my life.

I just wish other people remembered that.  How lucky they really are... 

Last Year

 

This was us.  Moving through this deployment as best as we could checking off the days one by one.  Deployments suck.  Any military spouse will tell you that, but you make the best of this.  It's times like that when your love takes over for you and you realize what you have.  

We were happy.  Our life together was slowly falling into place.  We had already made it through a deployment and we were strong.  I think we were quite a pair.  We complimented each other well and we got so close.  It just fit.  Everything was perfect.. deployment and all.  

We were supposed to be one of the firsts out of our friends to get married.  It had been so long we weren't just Chrissy or just Josh.  It was always the two of us.. together.  That's how people got to know us.  

Sure.. we fought.  A lot.  And you know what 99% of the time I was the one looking for a fight.  It's what we did.. fought with each other.  But it never took long to get over it even though we were both stubborn and looking to get the last word in.  

We cared about each other more than anything else in this whole world and we grew dependent.  We needed each other.  3 years ago we were gearing up for our first deployment.  I had just moved over an hour away to college when he came home on leave.  What did I do?  Drove home every single night and back the next morning to be with him.  3 hours of driving.. every day.  That's just how we were.

Last year.. I would rush home from work every night as you were getting off watch so I could talk to you on skype.  

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that in a few short days I'll be out of "last year we did this.."  They won't be there anymore.  "Last year" will just be a reminder of all the pain.  All of anger and hurt.  The loss.  Flooding back into my life a lot faster than I want it to.

For the past couple months I pushed it away.  Somehow I managed to go into some numb state of mind and ignored it in every way possible.  I got sick of dealing with it.  I never wanted this life.  No one does.. I guess someone has to do it though.  When does it get better?  When do you really start to live life again?  

Over the last 11 months I have found ways to just cope with it.  But not to truly move on.  I haven't moved on at all.  I don't want to let go.  I still want to talk about things I had planned and think that maybe it will all still happened.  Maybe it is just a dream.  It's real life though.  My real life is a lot of girls worst nightmare.

Always so happy.. making everyone smile.  That's who he was.  A lot of times I can think of things and laugh.  At the same time  I just want to cry because I miss it so much.  I feel like for the rest of my life it's going to hurt.  It's never going to go away.  And you know?  It's not fair.  One thing impacts your entire life. 

I want to be happy.  I want to get married and have a family.  But I don't want it with someone else.  Not yet anyways.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have our happily ever after together.  I really wish I knew what God's plan was.  I'm not seeing the reason or what has gotten better in my life.  "Everything happens for a reason," is a crock of crap if you ask me.

I was going to plan a benefit for the one year, but I don't have it in me.  What I need is my carebear, my friends, and a strong drink.  That's exactly what I'm going to do, too. 

Hot Mess

That's me.  I'm on vacation and you want to know what I'm doing?  Laying in my hotel room cuddled with my bear and blanket by myself crying.  That's right.  While my friends are out having fun that's how I'm spending my time.  Love life right?

This whole year thing is throwing me over the edge.  All of the pain and anger is flooding back into my life like a freight train.  I want him back.  I want my life back.  I just wish he would walk in the door and hold me and say it will all be okay.  I miss him so much and it just eats me alive.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Life wasn't supposed to get so hard.

I'm so disgusted with everything in my life and I hate it.  Nothing is easy and no matter how hard I try i can't explain how I feel to anyone.  Thing is..  I let someone into my life a few months ago.  Realistically it's easy to let someone be there.  It's nice to have company and to feel like someone cares again.  But.. I'm not ready.  Don't get me wrong.. he's been nothing but good to me.  I'm not ready and it's not what I want.  As bad as it sounds I feel like I have to find out what's out there.  What I want and need again.

No one will ever be Josh.  For now I don't want anything but him.  I'm not ready to let go of what was supposed to be.  I don't want to.  And you know part of me thinks what would want this?  All I have gotten in the past year is a bunch of baggage and got fat.  Yup.  That's quite an accomplishment for almost 365 days.  I wouldn't blame a guy for not thinking twice about looking my way.  Like I said.. disgusted.

I get so frustrated when people don't get where I'm coming from.  No one understands how hard it is to move forward.  To get your life back together.  The past couple months I'll admit having someone around made it different.. like I could ignore what happened for a while.  Truth is.. it's never going away.  I can only hide from it for so long but it haunts me like a shadow. 

I'm like a bi-polar freak.  One day I want to be with someone and all happy go lucky.. the next I'm a hot mess wanting nothing but the past back.  Where the hell is the happy medium?  It all points the same direction and that is the "not ready."

Until I figure it all out I need my space and I need to be me.  Somehow, some way, I have to figure out who I am and what I want.  No matter how much I am hurting this world is not going to stop turning.  At some point I just want to feel better about things.. about life.

For now I'm going to live my own personal sob story.  Maybe I'll walk down to the boardwalk and indulge in some fat comfort food or chill on the beach to get my thoughts together.  At the moment.. my care-bear is the man.  Little bugger hasn't let me down since I was a tot.  Me and my teddy kinda night for this girl.  Just praying to God that somewhere along the line my life gets better..

True Colors

If there is one thing I learned over the course of the past 10.5 months it's when tragedy strikes in your life.. you see peoples true colors.  I couldn't even tell you how many people have promised me they would be there whenever I needed them.  Truth is.. they aren't.

Most of the time I feel like more of a burden than anything.  I used to get so butt hurt when I thought these people weren't following through with their promises.  But this morning I thought about it and you know what?  I don't care anymore.  I have had some great people to help me through this.  As for the others.. to hell with them.

Just for the record, I don't expect people to drop everything for me.  It's not like that.  What hurt was the fact that some people made promises and can't even check in to say hello.  Or even ask how I am.  I didn't know sending a quick message was such a complicated task.  Maybe that's just me asking too much.  I don't know.

I guess if anything I learned not to rely on people for things.  If I do it myself I can't get hurt in the end.  It's sad that I have gotten to that point.  Expect less out of people so I don't get hurt.  Really all people do is talk talk talk.  I must have one exciting life because it seems to be a prime topic of conversation around these parts.

Really at this point I don't even have it in me to blog about it.  I'm frustrated with a lot of things that are happening right now.  Honestly I think that if I did write about it that it wouldn't make any sense or people wouldn't understand.  I've been MIA lately and I think that's why.  I need to ponder some more before I write that blog because it will probably give people something to talk about.

Sometimes it feels like trying to explain my thoughts and feelings is completely impossible.  No matter how hard I try.. I can never fully explain it to someone.  The closest I can get is other wids because they're going through it too.  For example.. being with someone else.

I can't let myself be with someone else yet.  I've heard stories of other widows and the "rebounds."  I don't want to be that girl.  I want to figure things out before I get myself into anything.  I need to get my own life together.. figure out what I want again.  Even if that means talking to different guys to find out.

Right after Josh died I thought it was totally impossible to be with someone else.  I had my mind set that my life was planned with him and no one else.  What I realized is I will never stop loving Josh and no one will ever replace him.  No one.  But I don't want to be alone forever.  I want a fairy tale just like every other girl.  It's just that now that's going to take a little time.  The people I talk to from here on out have to understand that.  If they want to take that chance with me.. they'll wait.  Wait for me to figure it out.  Even if that means talking to someone else.  It's going to take time.  Maybe even years.

At first I was devastated by that.  I was supposed to be getting married and starting my life.  Watching other people do that while I sit back is hard for me.  I know in my heart that it's going to take time.  Time for me to heal.  Time for me to figure life out again.  Time for me to figure out what I want.

I can't settle down right now and I won't.  It would be unfair to me and to someone else.  What most people don't understand is how hard it is to put your life back together after something so traumatic happens.  To put your trust back into life and what it can be.  You lose all hope.  I was talking to a girl I work with today and for the past 10 months I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I gained weight.. I will stay in bed for hours.  I just don't give a shit.  That's an awful attitude to have and I know that.  Really though I don't think you can expect much more than that from a fairly new war widow.

It's no wonder that when people are married for several years and their spouse dies.. they die shortly after.  You physically can't live without them.  I still haven't learned to live with just me.  For so long it was "Chrissy and Josh."  Now it's just Chrissy.  I'm not ready to be Chrissy and someone else yet.  It's going to be a while.

I want to be happy more than anything in the world.. eventually.  Truth is I'm still grieving.  Learning how to laugh and smile again.  That's tough for someone in my place.  Something that seems so simple becomes so hard.  Most people can't even fathom what it's like to go through it.  I hear people complaining about life and I so badly want to ask them if they know how bad it can really be.

I see people who have it all.. yet they're unhappy for some reason.  People cheat.. leave their families.  I don't get it.  You have it all and you don't care.  Cheating or having a "spare" seems to be the thing to do these days.  I actually finally told someone about Josh and the response I got?  "If it makes you feel any better I just broke up with my fiance."  No.  No it doesn't make me feel better.  I would give up my life just to have one more day.  Why is it that I tried so hard to do everything by the book and I'm the one who ends up empty handed?  I'm the one that gets my life taken away.  That's one thing I'll never understand.

Point is.. no matter how far I come.. I still have a long way to go.  I'll figure it out eventually, but it's no surprise to anyone that it's going to take some time.  In the mean time.. l'll stay close to my true friends.  The people who left me high and dry and the ones who have so much to say can f off.  I'm done with it.  Worrying about that kind of negativity isn't going to get me anywhere.  All that will do is hold me back and I clearly don't have the extra time for that.

*A fellow wid, Katie, blogged about her feelings on a widow's dating world.  You can find it here.  Katie became a single mother and widow after the death of her husband.  Her words are inspiring.. Go check out her blog.

Ball of Emotions

I apologize for my extended absence.  Lately things have been pretty rough and the days I have gone through have been tough pills to swallow.  If anything it was more days that I survived, easy or not.

The first one was the 15th.  Friday marked a year since I had last touched him.  I remember that morning so vividly.  Waking up in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to the airport and he could get to his inspection.  I remember driving there.  It was still dark so you could only see the lights of Jacksonville as we drove away to the airport.  He held my hand the whole way there.  I couldn't even talk.  The tears rolled down my face as I stared out the window.  Occasionally gazing over as he focused on the road dressed in his cammies.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw the airport sign and we made the left turn off the highway.  "This is it," is all I could think.  We pulled up, got out of the car, and he took my suitcase out of the trunk.  We looked at each other and he grabbed me as I cried harder.  He gave me a kiss and let go.  I remember him asking if I was okay.  Before I could even answer he said "come here" and pulled me back in.  He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.  I grabbed my suitcase and walked inside with tears pouring out of my eyes.  I remember turning around and looking through the glass window to watch him drive away. 

You know what was ironic about that day?  I was so pissed off at my family when I got home.  I was in a rotten mood after my plane landed and everyone just kept pushing me to spend time with them and "loosen up."  I just cried.  I remember snapping and saying, "Do you know what I did today?  What if I don't see him again?"  And I didn't.  That was the last time I saw him.  A whole entire year seems insane.

Which brings me to my next point.  Yesterday was a year ago that the deployment started.  I was at work so we were texting all day as they got ready to leave.  I remember going out with my friends last night and getting items for my first care package.  I freaked when a storm hit and my cell phone wasn't working.  If I missed my last phone call I was going to be livid.  I didn't get that phone call anyways because he text me as they were taking off when they found out that they wouldn't be stopping in Maine this time.  Luckily at the time my brother stayed up all night with me and watched movies.  No one likes a deployment day.  It was the "here we go again" kinda feeling.  I felt like an expert though.  I had already done it once so I could surely do it again.  I was ready to get it over with so that we could start our lives once he returned home. 

I hate that people have to die.  On Thursday I went to the funeral of someone that I knew when I was growing up.  He was only 66 and left behind a wife and two daughters.  He was the Fire Chief in our town for many years so he was a well known and respected man in our community.  I snuck into the back of my Church because I've been a bad Catholic ever since Josh died.  I haven't stepped foot in that Church for several reasons.  Mostly because I'm still angry and even though it's probably wrong that is where I place most of my blame.  To sit through Funerals anymore is so incredibly difficult.  As I watched the family file in I was caught off guard as the husband of one of the daughters entered wearing his dress blues.  He is a Marine that was in Afghanistan and made it home just in time for the funeral.  That was probably about the time I was thinking it wasn't such a swell idea to put myself through another funeral.  I gathered my thoughts as the Priest began.  I did okay most of the time.  It just broke my heart to see his wife in front of me crying over the loss of her husband.  I know how incredibly difficult it was for me to sit there for Josh let alone after 43 years of marriage and two daughters.  My heart broke for all of them.  At the end they draped an American flag over the casket and started playing Amazing Grace.  Game over.  That combination does not sit well with me at all.  As everyone filed out of the Church, that was the same moment I decided not to follow the procession to the cemetery. 

I made my way back to my house and walked the two blocks down the main street in town where I saw this:

His casket made its way down Main Street on his favorite truck.  It was escorted by several other Fire Trucks along with all of the cars in the procession.  Each made its way underneath the flag one at a time.  It was a tear jerker to watch.  I remember that feeling.. Watching the people lined up on the streets to show their respect.  It is people like this that truly make an impact and leave a lasting impression on this community. 

After the procession ended I went back to my house.  I was officially in a slump for the rest of the day.  When I do something like that it emotionally drains me for a good 24 hours.  It's different though after you go through something so traumatic you feel so much for the family that is now in that position.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Misurda family. 

The one amazing thing about this community is the support that you have when something like this happens.  As painful as it is there is that constant reminder that you never have to do anything alone.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes.  I don't have to do it alone.  Sometimes I want to though.  It's weird.  But no matter what the people that really care stand back and wait for me to come to them.  For now I'm okay.  I passed over the bad parts of this month so I'll keep pushing forward.  I really wish September 2nd didn't feel so close.

EAS

Two days ago, July 1, was Josh's EAS date.  The day I have waited the past four years for was FINALLY here.  Marine Corps free!  Who isn't excited about that?  It was the day when we didn't have Uncle Sam controlling us.

But..

It doesn't mean anything anymore.

When I first realized it I thought, "oh my God it's finally here."  Then my heart just sank.  It's finally here and it's not going to happen.   It was supposed to be the first day of our happily ever after.  We had so many plans, but we had to get to this first and we didn't. 

The night before I was just a mess about it.  The day of wasn't so bad.  Once again the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  I tried to stay busy Friday so I didn't have too much time to think about it.  It still just flat out sucked.  It is so irritating to think about where you thought you were going to be and then you look at where you are.  I don't know that I will ever stop being bitter.  No matter who I am with I still think about everything.  The people I hang out with will tell you.. it's quite a stare into space. 

It's days like that when i just want my life back to the way it was.  Nothing real great has happened since September.  It's sad that I can be content staying in my bed all day not socializing with the world.  I still hate to go out in public because I know I have that label and people just stare at me.  I hate it.  Not to mention how whack my emotions are most of the time.  I snap at the drop of a hat. 

I'm really just over it all.  Not to mention yesterday was another two.  I hate that the number keeps getting higher.  10 months is complete craziness.  I really really really don't want to hit a year.  Thankfully I had a full day yesterday.   I went down to Pittsburgh to see Kenny Chesney, Zac Brown Band, Billy Currington, and Uncle Cracker.  And of course, leave it to Zac Brown Band to do a salute to the Fallen and those who are currently serving.  Yup, good fun with that one.  It was a pretty good night though and I was distracted away from focusing too much on the 'two.'

Things are about to get rocky and I just don't even want to deal with it.  I need a time machine asap.

Anyways, enjoy your fourth of July everyone!  Remember the day isn't just about the cookouts, family, friends, and fireworks.  There is so much more to it, so don't forget..

Fml.

I'm so sick of everyone.  I have yet to understand why people just can't leave me alone.  To stop being so judgmental.  To let me figure out what I want and need in life again.  I just want to be happy.. I swear.  For some reason that's become such a difficult task.  One stupid word is so controlling of my life. 

My heart hurts.  I feel like my old life was so much easier.  I had it all figured out then and I didn't worry about people.  Now I feel like I have a whole lot of nothing.  All it is is one big fucking struggle.  Constantly.  I just can't win anymore.  Everyone thinks they know what is best for me and they don't.  I know I'm not the same person anymore and I get that.  But damn it, I don't know what anyone wants from me.

I try to start living my life again and people have so much to say about it.  Last time I checked it's better than following the bed-class-work-bed schedule every single day.  At least I thought so.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm so completely broken most of the time and I look for the smallest things to try and fix it just a little bit. 

I really just want to go away.  Somewhere that no one knows me or my story.  I'm so done with hurting.  People up my ass all the time.  Just done with it all.  Maybe I just need to clean my slate off again.  I should be excited about starting a new job tomorrow.  Instead I'm cuddled in my bed listening to depressing music and with everything that ever meant something having a mental breakdown.  Real awesome right?  I thought so, too. Ha.

Really sometimes this life feels like a joke.  Where I just sit there and think, "Really?  Why is this happening to me?"  I will never know why God ever decided to put me through something so awful and totally unfair.  So done.

Hi..

My name is Chrissy and I am a crazy person.

Story of my life.  Ever since this nonsense happened I can't keep my head on straight.. ever.  Sometimes I think about stuff and it's like, "Good God, Chrissy, get your shit together already."  It's bad.  I'm in North Carolina on vacation and it's refreshing, but a lot of time to think.  Not to mention I have this burning desire to drive down to J-Vegas.  I've thought several times about getting in my car and making the drive down there.  I don't know what it is with that place anymore.  I think it's because that was the last place we were together and I keep feeling like I left him there.

You know what else bugs me?  Hearing songs that have something tied to them.  Like "I'm Yours" has been on lately.. It was pretty much are song.  Or "You're Like Coming Home" reminds me of the homecoming video from Iraq.  They're like stalkers.  I just sit there quietly and listen.  Thinking of how things used to be.  The last time I was here you came to see me.  I drove by the house last night and it made me sad.  I hate going to places when the last time I was there was with you.  It's hard.

The other night they had Blue Moon and they were putting oranges in it.  I remember the last time you were here the last time you were here the Stanley Cup was on.  Game 7 and the Penguins won.  You brought that beer with you.  I had to go get oranges at the grocery store across the street and I played frogger across the highway.  I was kinda excited thinking it would be good.  Nope.  Awful.  I'll never forget the time after you came home from Iraq and we went to Texas Roadhouse in J-Vegas.  You went to shake your orange and when you let it go it sprayed right in my face.  Thanks for that, babe.

I went to a wedding on Saturday in Northern Cambria.  The only reason I ever went to that town was to see you.  I absolutely positively hate hate hate hate hate being there.  It's awful.  In the middle of the ceremony my eyes filled with tears several times.  Jealous of them.  Angry with what happened.  Still wondering why.  I haven't set foot into a Church since September 2nd and it bothered me to even be in there.  I know God has a plan, but I'm still mad at Him.  Thank God one of my friends sitting near me knew and kept making faces so I would laugh.  It was rough.  That's the last thing I wanted to be doing in the middle of someones wedding. 

I hate that July 15th is creeping up on me slowly, but surely.    A whole entire year since I've touched you feels like forever.  I can't even believe it's been that long.  Last time this year you were at CAX.  You missed my birthday and the birth of your niece.  I remember whining because the cell phone service was way worse than the last time.  I wish I wouldn't have complained so much.  Appreciated my time with you a little more.

I'm getting super agitated with my life right now and not having it back together just makes me feel crazy.  I keep thinking about hitting the one year mark.  Do I run away?  Do I stay home?  I haven't decided yet.  Since it's labor day weekend I've been thinking about inviting all of your friends up for the weekend.  Just to be around the people that were closest to you.  I haven't decided yet, but I will soon.  For the longest time I never understood why my grandparents went away every year on the anniversary of their son's death (he was killed in Texas at age 22), but I get it now.  It's easier to run from it than it is to face it.

I'll ponder more on that one later..

Need You Now

Good grief. I don't know if it's where I'm at in this lovely journey or what but it's been super rough. I feel like I'm back in the first month. Crying everyday. The littlest things just set me off. It's terrible. Although, I've become rather good at being a hot mess.

These breakdowns have been one for the books. I think I'm just frustrated right now. It's going to the lows where you just don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes it feels like giving up on this is the easy thing to do.  How bad does that sound?  I remember thinking when everyone was talking about the world ending that I wouldn't care if it did.

I hate that I can't think about happy things in the future.  People think I'm crazy because sometimes I act like a Negative Nelly.  But when something so traumatic takes place in your life and someone so close is taken away you lose hope in this world.  I learned that life isn't like the movies.  Life is hard.  Going through this is hard.

I travel a lot these days to get away from it.  Away from this place.  Attempting to run away from my life for a little bit so I don't have to face it anymore.  I leave this state about every two months.  I need to clear my head and get a little me time.  I leave for Outer Banks on Sunday and I'm so ready to go.  I love going to the beach.  It's refreshing for me.  I could sit on a beach for hours just to think.

Reality is.. as much as I want to run away from it, I can only do it for so long before I have to face it.  I just wish that I could change it.  To do things over again in the past.  When I look at my life these past nine months it is crazy how much has happened.  It's nine months like I've never had before.  So much has changed.  A lot of it I don't even remember.  It's life on auto-pilot.  It seems to go by fast, but when I look back September 2nd feels like an eternity.

I saw Aaron and the girls yesterday and it just broke my heart.  Looking at these two little girls who are growing up without their Uncle.  One still calls me Aunt Chrissy.  After they left I stood there with tears in my eyes.  You loved them so much and they grew to be a part of my life too.  I remember when both of them were born, one almost a year old and the other four.  It just breaks my heart.  I know I distanced myself from your family in a way.  Just as it always was, it's hard to go there without you. 

I'm still not "used" to this.  I don't know that I ever will be.  That I will ever be okay with what happened.  I guess I still just have to learn to live with it and what was given to me in life.  The times that I struggle are the times I want you the most.  That just makes me even more angry when I think about it.  Where is the darn easy button?

Written in the Stars

So I have been thinking a lot lately about things.  I went on AWP this morning and started reading some more stories about others experiences after a loss.  Each one is different, but I went there for a reason.  It dawned on me that in about 2.5 months I'll hit one year.  One whole year.  That seems like such a long time.

After the first year you've made it through all the "firsts."  Passing the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days.  The bumpy road where you are struggling just to survive.  Right now that is still the hardest part.  Surviving each day and learning how to live again.

Sometimes when I feel like I'm living my life again I stop and think about it.  Thinking about if it's okay to take steps forward.  What would he want me to do?  I obviously had a very bad night on Tuesday as most of you probably read here.  I went out to the boat docks at Yellow Creek with someone close to me.  It's quiet there (minus the frogs and fish jumping out of the water).  Just water and trees.  I'll sit there looking up at the moon and the stars wondering if he's watching me.  Thinking about my life right now.  Where to go.. what to do.  Thinking of things from the past.

Of course I ended up bursting into tears.  It's so frustrating sometimes when you think about it all.  Sure, I had someone with me.  But I can never find all the words that I need to say what I'm thinking or how I feel.  Pretty sure they think I'm crazy sometimes because what I'm saying makes no sense.  Sometimes I just need to cry about it and have someone listen without saying anything.  Not gonna lie.. a lot of times I don't like the responses I get because I feel like most people don't understand.  It's not their fault.  I'm just bitchy sometimes.  Josh would tell you that.

It always happens out of nowhere too.  Often people assume they said the wrong thing to me that made me cry, but that's not it at all.  It just happens.  The people who are closest to me know when it's coming.  My face blanks out and I just stare at something. 

You never realize how much of a struggle it can be just to get by.  I don't want to keep moving forward because I feel like as the days pass I'm getting further away from him.  On the other hand, I want time to pick up the pace so that my life will hopefully piece itself back together.

When is it okay to be with someone else?  When is it okay to be "better?"  When is it okay to finally feel a little bit of peace?

I don't know.  Right now I'm still not okay with any of it.  I'm still hurting and I know that.  At the same time I know I can't do this to myself forever.  Eventually I'm going to have to move forward whether I want to or not.  If I am the 1 in a million people that gets struck by lightning you'll know exactly what I did.

When things happen in my life I often wonder if he has something to do with it.  I always wonder what he thinks about it or if he would be mad at me.  Approaching the second year I wonder what it's going to bring.  Is it easier?  Maybe.  Part of me thinks it could be harder.  I guess we'll find out soon enough.  I'll survive it.  That's what I do know.  Even though there are days when it feels virtually impossible to get through one more day  I know I will.

Right now I'm content with my life.  I'm still hurting and I'm still having breakdowns.  I'm still angry and I still ask why.  But I have to keep pushing.  I have what I need at the moment to get me through.  If I fall down there is someone to pick me right back up and do whatever I need to make it better.

Well.

It's been quite a week, Joshua.  I've been crying..


every.

single.

day.


Yup.  That's a whole bunch of fun.  I don't know what has gotten into me but it's been bad.  I don't like it.  I just miss you so much.  I don't really like where my life is right now and I don't like what I have coming my way.   It gets really hard and staying in bed seems like the better option. 

It just sucks that the one person who was always there for me no matter what got taken away from me.  It's not fair.  My egg donor made a scene at my brothers graduation tonight and it just set me off.  I remember all the times I ran to you and you fixed every little problem.  Now you can't fix it.  It makes me sick that after everything she has done she can post a sob story on her wall and people ACTUALLY feel bad for her.   You wanna know the truth?  She was cheating on my Dad.  Walked out on us when I was 11 and Michael was 9.  On Christmas day.  Tried taking everyone close to us away with her crazy games.  And tonight.  She had the nerve to call me a f***in b*tch and tell me I'm an alcoholic because I went to Las Vegas.  Oh, but she left those details out in her sob story.  She didn't tell anyone she beat the crap out of us.  Nope.  Left all of those minor details out.

She forgets I'm living with her parents.  Working two jobs.  Going to school full time.  Coaching a majorette squad.  No big deal evidently.

It's so frustrating when I know that you would never ever let anyone talk to me or treat me like that.  Ever.  You always stood up for me no matter what.  Whatever though she isn't even worth talking about.  I just feel for my brother that she had to make a scene on a day like that. 

While I was up at the Manor tonight I was thinking about all of the time we spent there.  Walking through the halls.. sitting in the lunchroom (you hitting me with a bottle cap).  Just everything that happened there.  Or your graduation when you of course acted like a goofball after you got your diploma.  I'm sure everyone expected you to do something of that nature though.  You always did.  Besides it wouldn't be you if you didn't have people laughing. 

I miss that smile.  I miss everything about you and if I could just have it back I would give anything.  This isn't any fun without you.  I still can't picture my life and what is in store for me.  I wish I knew.  I feel like I can't move forward because I'm not ready to let go of the past.  I don't want to let go.  At the same time I know that I can't hold on to something that isn't real anymore.  This is all just really unfair and I'm over it.

Happy

According to my handy dandy dashboard dictionary.. happy is feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. <----- That.. isn't me.

Let me first apologize for my absence.  Between school and work AND my trip the the fabulous las vegas I haven't been around much.  Vegas was amazing!  I was so glad to go away for my birthday.  Me and Josh talked about this birthday for a long time and the last place I wanted to celebrate it was at home.  Everyone needs to go out there at least once in their lifetime.  There is so much to see and I can't wait to go back.  Besides.. that was part of my bucket list.  He always wanted to go to there and didn't get the chance so I went for him. 

Back on track.

It bugs me when people tell me I'm happy.  No.  You are very wrong.  I look at my life a year ago and then I was genuinely happy.  My life was falling into place and I was surrounded by an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends.  At the time things couldn't have been any better.  I look at pictures from then and you could see it in my smile.. it was in my eyes.  I lost the meaning of the word after September 2nd.  For months I went to school, went to work, and went to bed.  That was it.  Literally.

I can't say that I haven't gotten better because that would be a lie.  I've had some amazing people come into my life to help me through it and I can't ever thank them enough for that.  They have definitely lifted me up and helped me to get through it.  It is still just so hard.  I find myself at random hours of the day or driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.  That longing to have my old life back.  Thinking about how happy I was.  Thinking about what I should be doing right now. I still have to tell myself he's gone.  That he's not coming back.  Sometimes I still don't want to think that it's real.

July is going to be a bad bad month for me.  It just dawned on me the other night that July 15th will be the last day that I saw him.  July 1st should have been our EAS date.  The thought of a whole year passing by since I touched him and he was standing right in front of me tears me apart.  Hitting the 9 month mark on Thursday was awful.  Sometimes the further I get from that day it feels like the more it hurts because it's longer since I've seen or talked to him.  Sure it means getting better but you still think about what was left behind.

I had another one of my fantabulous mental breakdowns last night when I was with someone.  Seriously one I start there is no stopping.  I really don't even know how it is humanly possible for someone to cry like that sometimes.  It was the same things that get me every other time.  And the looming fact that I just don't want to let go.  I don't know that I ever have to.  Right now I don't want to at all.  I have so many people tell me he lives in my heart and to be happy about that.  I'm not.  For some reason remembering him like that just is sufficient when I feel like he should still be standing in front of me.  His life was cut entirely too short. 

I've been going out and I often engage in conversations with people about him and I can't help but to smile.  Just to remember how loving, caring, and funny he was.  I don't think we've ever talked about a story without laughing at something he did.  It's comforting that I can do that now.  To smile when I think about him.  It just never takes away that pain.  I'll gaze down at the black bracelet on my wrist, the silver one on my other, or grab the necklace around my neck and think for a minute.  Just to remember and hold on to the little things I have left.

It's been a rocky road the past few days and I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I still have those days where I have to force myself to life.  Fighting just to get through the day.  It's hard.  I never in a million years would have thought this is what it would be like.  I hate falling into this slumps where just living is challenging enough in a day.  I really wish more people understood that.  I try to do what he would want me to it just doesn't always work that way and it's not so easy.  Hopefully what's ahead will come and go and I'll make it through just like everything else. 

One Step Forward, Ten Steps back

Story of my life.  Any time I ever think that I can start to move forward in life I am quickly reminded that I'm not ready too. 

I'm so anxious for my life to be back in order.  For everything to be okay.  To be happy again.  Who doesn't want that?  Everyone does, but when something like this happens it's often hard to find.  Yesterday was another one of those days.  A day when I thought I could slide by it all.  Oh, no.  I was so very wrong.

All it did was make me angry.  Hurt all over again.  I HATE that this is where my life is right now and that I still have to fix it.  Reality is that I don't want to fix it.  What I want is for it to go back to the way it was.  i don't like where I am and what I have to do.  Not one little bit.  

Congratulations, Chrissy.  Way to throw yourself into one hell of a funk.  I'm just so done with this and days like today i don't want to do it anymore.  I want to go back to my bed and sleep forever.  You can't hurt when you're asleep.

This could very well sound terrible of me... but seeing everyone else living their happy post-deployment lives is like a knife in my stomach.  Why isn't that us?  Why don't we get to do all of the things that was planned too? 

It'll be a year since I've seen you on July 15th.  That feels like forever ago.  When everyone was prepping for this deployment.  Wanting to get it over with so we could all happily move on with our lives.  We might have been slightly naive at the time or rather neglecting the fact that we knew people wouldn't be coming home. 

I never wanted it to be me.  I still don't want it to be me.  I still wish sometimes that this is all just some mistake and that things will go back to the way they were.  Honestly, if the world did end Saturday, I probably wouldn't have been that mad about it.

You can only put a band-aid over the wound so many times.  It doesn't always work and now is one of those times.  I don't know what I'm doing these days, but I really need to get it together.  I'm a mess and it's awful.  I really don't even know how to fix it right now.  I don't even know where to start. 

Part of me thinks I just need to back away from everything and get some me time.  There is too much going on and I can't handle it.  This past week has been one for the books.  It's been while since I've cried this much and I really didn't miss it.

For now I just want to be a big baby about it.  I feel entitled to that.  I'll get back on my happy horse eventually and my front will be back in full swing.  Just not now.

I did it.

I started writing our story.  Things have been kinda crappy lately and it's therapeutic for me.  I started back at day one.. the summer we met.  It's crazy to think that summer was six whole years ago.  Where has the time gone?  I will never forget that summer.  So much happened and it was so much fun.  Having the chance to tell our story, whether it goes out into the world or not, makes me feel better knowing that I at least tried.

I've said it time and time again that I want people to know.  It's like a new found mission in life.  And that is one thing I DO know.  I like knowing that so I don't feel totally lost.  Sometimes the writing is painful, but other days it makes me happy.  To remember how good we had it and what that kind of love felt like. 

It's probably going to take a long time.  Depending on how I feel and what I remember.  I need to do it though.  Do it for myself.  Who knows, maybe it could help someone else.  Maybe I'll be the next Nicholas Sparks :p

Just Keep Swimming...

Well hello there downs.. I never miss you.

As usual my lows are back in action.  It's so tempting to fall back into that slump.  The go to school, go to work, and go to bed.  Sometimes I think it was easier that way to just avoid the world.  I don't know.  Every once in a while it seems as though the things going on in my life just keep getting more and more complicated by the minute.  I hate it.

There are times when I can't, or won't, let myself be happy.  The guilt will just eat you alive.  The why am I still here?  How can I be happy when something so terrible happened in my life?  When something goes wrong I instantly take 10 steps back.  "If Josh was still here this wouldn't be happening to me."  That. Kills. Me.  Wanting my old life back so bad that it physically hurts.

Sometimes, I don't want to fight anymore.  I just want to give up.  I hate not knowing who I am or what I want in life.  People will ask me something and I say "I don't know" a million times and they think I'm crazy.  The OCD planner over here HATES not knowing, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I don't know who I am.


I don't know what I want.


I don't know what is going to happen.


I don't know what the plan is.


I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.

Get the point?

This life is draining and it's days like yesterday and today when I'm just flat out sick of it.  Hating every second of what has happened to me.  It's not fair.  I wouldn't want other people to go through this, but there are most definitely days when I do wish it was someone else.  What I did to deserve this is beyond me. 

What I do know is I have two choices:
1. Stop Living
2. Fight it

I know what I have to do.. I just don't always want to.  For now I feel like being a big baby about it and I don't even care.  I feel like I'm entitled to act like that every once in a while.  I need to get away.  I'm in dire need of some Chrissy time so I can get my shit together.  I have way too much going on and I really need to take a step back.  I may be too far in for that.  Regardless I need to put a lot more focus on me or this is going to keep happening.

Time machine anyone...?

I need to get it together asap.  Good description right now: hot mess.  Seriously.  It's ridiculous.  I'm really thinking this trip to Vegas is going to be good for me.  I need out of this town and away from everything that has happened.  Maybe it'll help.  If it doesn't I'm going to be pissed.

Dory's motivational words: Just keep swimming. 

I'll be okay.  I just need to get myself back on track.

Contradicting Opinions

If there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane about living this life is sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant lose:lose situation.  It's irritating.  No matter what you do someone "thinks" they know something better and criticizes you for it.  Test it out dudes.  See how you like it.

I really hate that I can't even talk to anyone of the opposite sex without people doing a double take or instantly starting a rumor.  Why is that necessary?  I really have yet to understand why people can't just worry about themselves.  If they had any idea how hard this was I bet they would think twice before saying anything again.  I don't know what people expect me to do.  Shrivel up in a ball forever?  Yeah.  That's realistic.

BUT I'm not ready to move on yet.  I don't WANT to move on yet.  I'm not going to sit around and tell people if I want a relationship in the future because, well, I don't know if I do yet.  It's so easy to fall into a trap when someone wants to be there for you.  However, I know I'm not ready.   I can't let myself be with someone else, nor do I want to be.  I can't even sit there and say if there is a possibility in the future. 

When I think about it, Josh is still "my boyfriend."  I guess technically he's not anymore, but I don't really see it that way yet.  I know that I am in the "single" category.  I don't always act like it.  I'm not ready to let go yet and I probably won't be for a while.  A lot of people think it's like breaking up.  It's not.  There is sooooo  much more to it than that.  If I ever do decide I want to be with someone again they have to understand that.  Once you get your "widow" tag, things will never be the same.  You carry this extra baggage and until you find someone who understands and accepts it, it will never work.  Good grief I almost feel like I've been tagged "special" or something.

So why is it that people expect me to say what's going to happen right this second?  News flash: It's not gonna happen.  I can't do any of that until I put my life back together.  For now, I need to focus on me.  Just Chrissy.  And until Chrissy figures out who she is again, she won't be with anyone else.  End of story.

I just wish people would let me be.  To make an attempt to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through.  Maybe people should take more time to think about that instead of giving their expert opinions or making sly comments that I always hear. 

It's less than two weeks until I go to Las Vegas and I couldn't be happier to get away.  I think I need this trip to just have fun and not worry about everything else.  I actually want to enjoy my birthday; at least make a solid attempt to.

I wish people understood how hard this was and how much I am trying to put my life back together.  I think about it every single day.  It doesn't go away.  I still long to have my old life back and then the never ending feeling of a knife in your stomach when you tell yourself for the millionth time that it isn't coming back.  All the tears and heartache doesn't disappear overnight.  People may think I'm okay because I put on a good front and I've come along way.  I can assure you it's still very real and very painful.

Every Tom, Dick, or Harry thinking that they know whats best needs to think about that.  Don't push me.. Just let me be.  I'll figure this all out on my own time.  This is about me.  And for once I plan on sticking to that.

Congressional Record

Hello blogging world :)

I apologize for my absence.  I just finished up the semester last Friday and I started summer school on Monday.  I have a class 4 hours a day until next Friday on top of 2 jobs.  I'm going to be in dire need of a vacation when this is all over.. talk about exhaustion. 

Anyways.

Last week I got a package in the mail from the parents of a 2/9 Marine.  Enclosed were several letters and I'll share them here..



Letter 1:

Dear Chrissy,

As you know I was an early supporter doing what I could.  Not because I felt sorry for you, but because I felt sorrow for you.

You know about all of that:

What I did from  here you didn't know and that is why I am writing to you now.

I watched as you moved.  I watched, I wrote and I did some research, puled some newspaper articles together, and wrote some more.

I eventually wrote to the First Lady telling her about you.  Telling the First Lady that you lost the love of your life.  That you didn't blame the administration, but took it upon yourself to start a fundraiser to raise money to help ship packages to Afghanistan to support Joshua's brothers.  I wrote suggesting she single you out for a Presidential level Citizenship Award.  I stated that you were what ALL AMERICAN CITIZENS should be made of.  That you were the perfect role model.

When I didn't hear anything back I called your local State Senator's office and spoke with a fantastic woman: Sandi Gillette.  Sandi was awesome and immediately took a liking to both you and I. 

Also attached is a letter that Senator Don White (PA) send US Representative Critz in Washington looking for support in Washington to get the First Lady to act on my initial letter and the letter I wrote to the First Lady.

We never did hear from the first Lady, but Representative Critz did act on my letters.

In any case, the attachment, marked OPEN LAST, can be opened now.  Please be careful as I did a lousy job packing it. 

After you read the letter in the next envelope, please understand how much I respect you and how all I wanted to do was to honor you for the outstanding citizenship you exhibited.  I never expect what occurred.  I assumed you'd get a medal of some sort.  Anyway, you're an amazing person Chrissy.  I am sorry for you loss.

Take care,
LS

Letter 2:

Dear Mrs. Obama,

I am writing to you today to tell you about a remarkable young woman.  A 20 year old woman who lost the love of her life in the war we are fighting in Afghanistan.

Chrissy is the most amazing person I've ever met.  Oh, wait a minute, I've never met Chrissy.  We became Facebook friends as our men deployed to Afghanistan.  My man is my son her man was LCpl Joshua Twigg.  Both served in the United States Marine Corps 2nd Battalion, 9th Marines and were slated to be deployed until February.  Joshua Twigg was killed in action on September 2, 2010.  My son is still serving our great nation.  Please Lord keep him safe.

Since September 2nd, Chrissy has been very vocal in the news.  NOT reaching out against the war, not speaking ill of our policies, just stating how terribly sad she was.  How empty her life was and how she needed to do something.  Something to help those fighting.  Something to help with the cause the man she loved gave his all in support of.

Well my friend Chrissy did something.  Boy did she do something!  She started a box drive and successfully raised funds and donations to ship close to 300 boxes to Afghanistan.  Additionally, this Veterans day she was the keynote speaker.  The speech is on the internet.  It's a tear-jerker.

I am writing to you today because I feel that Chrissy is worthy of a "Presidential" award.  Please review the two attachments I've enclosed and then pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea, whichever you prefer, grab a box of tissues and Google "Chrissy Young Twigg" that string will bring up some of the most tearful stories you'll ever read.  That string will show you what Chrissy is made of.

Stories of what being an American SHOULD be about.

Chrissy didn't sit back and complain about the war. 

Chrissy didn't sit back and blame the adminstration.

Chrissy didn't sit back and blame anyone.

Chrissy stood tall.

Chrissy looked for a way to make a difference and Chrissy executed with precision, a very successful drive to raise money and products to ship much needed supplies to out Marines ( I almost said soldiers, but you can't a Marine a soldier....)

I wish I lived closer so I could have embraced Chrissy each step of her way.  I wrote to her often and each email I sent was responded to quickly and each check I wrote was also acknowledged swiftly.

I really could go on for hours, but I won't.  I've seen your work.  I've seen how good a person you are.  I only hope that this letter will find its way to you and that you find a way to recognize Chrissy.  It won't bring Joshua back, but it may help Chrissy.  It may help her continue her cause.

Having a family member in Afghanistan is not easy.  There is many a night I don't sleep-- I can not even think about how devastating the loss of a child, or loved one would be.

I hope you can find some way to reach out to Chrissy and let her know how proud America is of her actions.  How people should learn from her actions.

Thank you for reading and considering my letter.

Sincerely,
LS

Letter 3:

Dear Mark:

Enclosed please find a copy of a letter written by L and C to Michelle Obama seeking recognition on behalf of a constituent in our district, Chrissy Young.  Review of the letter explains how special of a young woman Chrissy is and details of her dedication to a project aiding our servicemen.

I am also enclosing a copy of the letter Ms. Young used in solicitation of donors for her project and tells the story of her long time boyfriend, Lance Cpl. Joshua Twigg, who lost his life in combat.

I would personally appreciate your review of the enclosed  material and determine if a letter of recognition or some honorable mention could be issued to Chrissy for her outstanding support of our service members.  While it is evident her actions were not for recognition, I feel it is warranted.  I am unaware if the S letter resulted in any action from the White House directly to Chrissy.

Please contact Sandi of my staff if we can offer you any additional information with this request or if you are able to offer another approach.

Best Regards,
Don White
41st Senatorial District

All which lead to this:

 

I'm proud of it.  It makes me happy that people noticed and reached out.  Slightly disappointing the White House never responded.  It's okay though.  My goal all along was for people to know us and our story and now they do.  I'm not done by any means.  However, it's a great start and a moral booster.  It always helps to know that what you did really mattered and people take note of that.  I appreciate everything LS did and I could not thank them enough for this.

I'll be back to write more later, but for now I'm off to my 4 hours of class for the day.  Oh, by the way Joshua,  guess who got another 4.0 this semester?  This girl :)

The Newest Debate

So, I was never really done with my post the other night.  However, I was getting way too emotional and I wasn't putting myself through anymore that night.  Not to mention it was another "2" and I wasn't about to throw myself into a whirlwind. 

Anyways, I hear the newest debate in the White House is whether or not to release pictures of Osama after he was shot.  Now.  He is what really pisses me off.  The Associated Press, and the Government, didn't hesitate to post pictures of our dead.  Remember that?  You know the picture and article I saw of my lifeless boyfriend being carried onto a medivac.  Or the pictures of another Marine who was clearly not going to make it. 

You couldn't see your faces.  But I could have told you that was Josh from a mile away and really not seeing their face didn't make it any better.  So whats so special about Osama?  Why the hesitation?  It just angers me that they had to use pictures of our war dead to make a freakin point and then they hesitate to post a picture of that piece of shit.  Really?!

I, personally, would like to see it.  Kind of a confirmation thing that he's really gone and got what he deserved.  You know, it's not even that I'm happy he's dead.  So much revolves around death anymore and what good does it do?  It's the fact that he can't hurt anybody else that is comforting. 

I don't know.  How I feel about all of this is just weird.  I was 11 years old in a sixth grade math class when the twin towers were struck on September 11, 2001.  I had no idea where this war was going to take me and everything that would happen in the past 10 years. 

One thing people need to realize is the war isn't over.  The troops can't just come home because one of them is dead.  I'm sure there are thousands of idiots that are part of the Taliban willing to take his place.  This isn't over.  And minor pet peeve: I like how everyone is suddenly extremely patriotic for the week and by next Sunday they will forget about it again.  Annoying.  But I'll write more about that later..

Was it worth it?

As you probably all know by now.. Osama is dead.

For some reason it brought back a lot of pain back into my life.  Like a quick wave of hurt took over me before I had time to really think about it.  At first, I didn't know how to feel.  "Osama is dead."  People have been waiting for ten whole years to say that.  It's a long time and it seems like this war has been going on forever.  They finally got him.  Good for our troops.  Don't f with us because we always win.  If anything, I am proud that Josh was a complete bad ass like the rest of the Marines and after all of that work they finally got what they were there for. 

With the being said.. I still don't feel any better about it.  Not one bit.  Now it's just that question of was it really worth it?  Was his life worth it?  Were the other 1,565 lives worth it?  I know that anyone who is going through this with me is probably thinking the same thing.  I hope the bastard burns in hell, but at the end of the day that isn't going to bring Josh back.  It's not going to bring back the other 1,565 lives back.

It just hurts.  It makes me miss him.  It makes me proud.  You know, the usual whack emotional story of my life.  I really just don't know how to feel.  Honestly.. I didn't really process at first.  When I actually thought about it: I cried.  My whole life was turned upside down for this outburst of joy by the rest of the country.  Part of me has to wonder if people are remembering the huge price that we paid for this. 

It's one of those debts that you could never repay them for.  I am, and always will, be thankful for the armed services.  They have and continue to protect us from so many things.  Willingly standing up for this country no matter what the price; and so many of them give up their life.  Not many are willing to do that anymore..

My life is still in pieces.  A whole bunch of little ones.  Now that Osama is dead is anyone going to pick them up? Nope.  Call me a downer, but is anything really going to change?  I don't know that it is.  All I feel now is more hurt.  I know that he is responsible for everything and he did deserve to die; I just can't be happy about it right now.  I'm sure I will be at some point, but not now. 

I mean it is a good thing that he's dead.. obviously.  I'm just bitter.  And just because he's dead the rest of the Taliban won't just fall over and play dead.  Those people are freakin crazy.  I told Josh that a million and one times how I never trusted them and he always promised it would be okay.   Look what happened.

You know a couple weeks ago, when my phone lost everything, I had to use an old one.  I read a text message from a couple years ago.. he promised me that no towel head was going to take him out because he was too good for that.  He was too good for them.  He's too good for Osama.  They never should have had the chance to kill any of those men.. complete pieces of shit and I hate them all.

I know hate is a strong word and you shouldn't use it, but I hate them.  They took him from me and ruined my life.  Sure, it'll get better.  However, that doesn't make me feel any better about the present.  Those bastards managed to take the best.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that the stupid piece of crap got away with all of this for so long.  I hope he has a completely miserable time in hell.  He doesn't deserve jack shit.  We have the best fighting force in the world and it still took 10 years to get him.  How does God let that happen?!

If I find any comfort.. I hope those guys are getting their revenge.  Far too many lives were taken way too soon because of this man.  There are way too many families hurting and fixing their lives because this man started it all. 

Oh, and just to pipe in for a second.  Mr. President: you did NOT sign all of the letters to the families of the fallen.  I will whip that letter out of my room right this second and I guarantee you it's a flipping stamp.  Don't try to fool me just because they put you in charge.  And don't take credit for all of this.  I don't see your happy ass out risking your life.

Anyways.

Bittersweet.  Good description of all of this.  I've gotten a lot of messages tonight and it's comforting to know that there are people who still remember.  I just wish it brought him back or something.  I'm sure Josh is looking down smiling and making some sort of comment that I would probably smack him for.  If I could even see what was going to change it might make it a little better.  I know that it's never going to fill the void.  It's never going to fix the pain.  No matter who dies or how many years pass that's never going to go away. 

For now it's another painful reminder of how much I want my life back.  As the story goes, I can't have it..